please do not take my poetry and say it is yours. look and listen to the words that usually hide in my belly. i create monsters out of the abc's.
love is a one way/roadblock detour/my heart has/stopped my car to see the/damage can be done/by coming back/here lays my tender/
heart beat slows in sheer/horror films flicker in my/eyes capture the/image of my walking away. car horns bring me back to/reality slows when i see your/face the music. it's over.
i go through the day blocking out sites and phrases that make me think of you. cause they just give me a sick feeling and i have to close my eyes each time. you came to me with innocence and i destroyed our future before it had time to create itself. say what you want. i did it for what would be best. i don't feel like crying over maps and bus tickets for the next year or two. if i can't have you here with me, i can't have you.
i finally understand how hard it is to walk away. it's easy to plot out on paper but harder with you standing in front of my face. i'm angry at myself for being in love. you're taking away parts of me that will never be replaced. i dreamed one day of you, me and a wihte picket fence, clutching to each other like sparrows on a branch. i'm waiting for a signal. go/stop/slow down. i'm holding onto a part of this that reminds me of something from long ago. a memory of floating feet and sweaty palms. hold on tight or let me go, just don't leave me standing here with my heart in my hands.
i'm through
i shout to the ink black night
i'm done
i resolve in the back of my mind
somtimes alone is all i need
winter's hibernation
to get you out of me
it's sad
i thought that this would last
i'm sorry
that you lost interest so fast.
pain gives me the power of a thousand men
something to hold in the palm of my hand
sleep descends on me
a heavy man i cannot push off
all senses are torn from me
in a violent rape of my conciousness
my pillow is my gag-my enemy
i stare at her back as she
walks away from me
shuffle under the highway ramp
so she can't look back and see me
cry tears from the frustration
of years and years
of being the one people look to
for a witty joke of twinkling smile
i'll just sit under this ramp
and dream while
tires rumble over my head
cradled in dirty knees
sick of being the first to please
cancel out memories burnt into my brain
atrocities seem so much lighter
when diluted with rain
words have flames
words are firesticks
red hot coals that stick to my tonsils
i long to spit them out
like an angry dragon
to singe your eyelashes
burn holes in your t-shirt
but my words are slow lava
that harden on my tongue
before they get to you--
oceans collide
to stop all my pain
get lost in the tide
and stand out in the rain
words hypnotize
they slip past my ears
and now all i realize
is that i don't belong here
how can you say these things
that you can't erase
i know we're on the phone
but when i close my eyes
i can just see the look on your face
i try to stop all my pain
with a sip and a nicotine stick
till your words collide and make me sick
change comes when both parties agree
can't you see?
i'm not willing to bend or break
i'll stand out in the rain
with heartache in my hands
to stop all this pain
fusebox.
i didn't talk to him. again.
standing there/trying to figure out what to
say/trying to swallow my heart which has
lept out of my throat.
his prescence is almost toxic to me--
nerves quivering like cable wires
surging
almost overloading with data
i wait until i see him again
and then fail to
talk to him
look at him
god, even fucking nod my head
to acknowledge him...
i wonder if he notices
when i stare at him
watching
notices my knees shake and liquify
sees me hit myself when i can't muster
up the air to speak.
my lungs have collapsed
my heart has stopped beating
(babumbabum)
i am frozen in this moment--
his elbow two inches from mine--
his protons melding with my electrons..
all engines down.
distance is our worst enemy
the adding and subtracting
of miles and bus fares
twists hearts as fast as
my heart beat is keeping time
with the speedometer
flying over blacktop
to deliver a bittersweet kiss
los angeles seems too far away
i can close my eyes and
see you standing at the pacific
sending telepathic photographs
of the beauty of the sea
i can close my eyes and dream
i was there
but dreaming doesn't get me anywhere.
the wind blows through her body
as she stands on the sand
conversing with the sea...
why did he go
instead of me
she wonders
pushing her toes into the wet sand
in fear that her body will
pull away with the current
memories flow through her veins
as tears create streams on her cheeks
his ashes are out there
mingling with the waves
saying goodbye would be easier
with a kiss
so she drops her hand to the water
in the solitude of the dawn
wishing heaven were a step away
dreaming up dreams that only make her sigh
how do i say goodbye?
she chokes
running fingers through almost liquid beige
her love letter in the sand
washing away to the depths of the ocean
mixing with her lover's remains
a part of her has become the vastness
that sits in front of the sunrise
everyone looks at me
like there's a stain on my nose
that these clothes are not my clothes
like i'm going to explode
-i suppose
they're waiting for me to crack
like an egg
-i guess
waiting for me to realize my distress
but what they don't know is
i've kept a part of me locked up
cause sometimes i feel like a
rockstar who's gig is up
with no friends to support her
and a pocket full of holes
i feel like one of those
-i suppose
she opened up these windows
that i would rather have covered
with drapes
she said...
"don't think, babe..i'll navigate"
i've had these doors locked
oh so very tight
now i'm stepping out of this closet
squinting from the light
my eyes graze her face
for a smirk or a sneer
trying to figure out
what the hell she's doing here,
why she's in this place
closets are tight...
the hangers hit your head
but i had thought this
notion would have been
better left
unsaid.
i'm holding back the tears/the spit/the vomit
as i hear what you say
release me
drown me in my sorrows
drag my heaving body into another day
erase these things my ears have just devoured
blindfold my eyes
i don't want to see them together
my world has come crashing down
a chandalier, a glittery mess
i will stand with glass shards in my hair
as if i don't care
as if sobbing is breathing is
living.
i laugh--
say i'm glad he's gone
proclaim that i can move on...
i don't want to see his face
in fear that i will falter/crumble/ceasetoexist
his words burn my eyelashes
soaked with saltwater kisses
will i find this love again?
(tell me i'll find this love again)
so tomorrow i will go back
to places that were backdrops to our kisses
maybe my heart will implode
maybe i will scream/hopeless
but i will survive
sleep.
sheep hooves grazing
my forehead
on their way
over my headboard
music notes clog my ears
singing to myself
to fend off my fears
my fears are big monsters
stuffed under my nightstand
flashlights only provoke
i will use my hand----
to cover my open eyes
bedtime.
we said
goodbye
like we said
hello
with tight guts
and forced smiles
sweet kisses passed
between two youths
immersed in a love too special
for the innocent.
his shirt still held the
scent of that night
last summer, when this love
was discovered
now it is time to bury it
n the miles that will
seperate us.
smoke curls around my fingers
as i write to you
caressing my skin
a grey curtain of soft air
how do i tell you
that i still care
all i can do is make a collect call
and talk sweetly
about the fall
and how nice it would be
you, a sweater and me
on a blanket under shooting stars
clutching at first love
not speaking
only talking with our arms
