H U M O R !
Thought somebody might enjoy these musician jokes that my son Michael picked up along his musical travels.
Some were donated from Ali Lexa, John Arevalo, Estaban Kreher, Will Brown, Keith Rich, Freddy Gulino, Bo Frazer, Lucky Draw, William Menefee, and Chris.
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Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys inside his car?
It took him three hours to get the bass player out.
What is the difference between a saxophone player and a dead snake in the road?
The snake was on its way to a gig!
What did the drummer say just before he got kicked out of the band?
Hey guys i just wrote some new stuff.
How do you know if the stage is level?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth.
How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one to hold
the lightbulb while the world revolves around her(him).
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
What do you get when you cross a diminished scale with an augmented scale?
A demented scale.
What do you do when a musician is at the door?
Give him money and take the pizza.
What did the jazz musician say when asked what he would do if he won the
lottery?
"Oh, just keep gigging till the money runs out."
How can you always tell there's a drummer at the door?
The knocking keeps speeding up.
How can you tell there's a singer at the door?
Can't find the key & does'nt know when to come. in
What do you say to a jazz band lost in the desert?
"If you find yourselves anywhere near a tune, play it!"
What do you NEVER hear outside a concert/rehearsal?
Hey, is that the banjo player's Porsche?
How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
Shoot One.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two Flutists playing in unison.
What's the difference between a flute and a piccolo?
The flute won't fit down the drain pipe.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a trombone and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why do the clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone that owns his own alto clarinet.
What's the difference between a lawnmover and a sax?
You can tune the lawnmower.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions... an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player! The other two don't exist!
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.
What's the definition of a gentlemen?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards on a good arm.
What do you call someone that hangs around musicians?
A drummer.
What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" x 3 1/2"
Why do drummers have one half ounce more brains than horses?
So they won't disgrace themselves in the parade.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate
how David Sanborn would have done it.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb, and the other four to tell him
how much better they could have done it.
What does a timpanist say when he gets a gig?
Would you like fries with that, sir?
How do you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
What do violinists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
How do you know if a viola section is at your front door>
No one knows if you come in.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
What's the definition of "perfect pitch"?
Throwing the viola into the toilet without hitting the rim.
What's the difference between the cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and refuses to tell him which one.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has horns in front and the ass in the back.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
How many soundmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, two, three, One, two three...
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A start.
What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
If it took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea...
"Hey, buddy... how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."
What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What's the definition of a piano?
An instrument played by depressing the keys, and the spirits of an audience.
What's the difference between a trombone and a clarinet?
The trombone bends before it breaks.
These jokes are presented in good clean humor. No offense is intended. If you have more jokes like these that you would to share with others here, please send me an email with them. Thanks for stopping by and hope you enjoyed a couple of them anyway!
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