I stared at all the cards. Hoep you get well... my deepest sympathies... best of luck in the future... she was a good person... I know how you feel...
But do you people really know how I feel? Do you? Were you responsible for killing your older sister? No.
Tay knocked gently on the door. "Can I come in?"
I wiped my dry eyes and threw the cards down on my lap. "Yeah."
He sidled in slowly and sat down carefully. "How are you?"
"I feel guilty because I've killed my older sister, and I've got another who blames me for the end of her world and thinks I'm shit. But, other than that, I'm good. You?"
He flicked a piece of hair behind his ears. "It's not that way, Kris."
I felt the now constant prickling behind my eyes, but no tears came. "It is. I threw my necklace under her feet. She bent over to pick it up. For me. And then the car hit. I killed her."
Taylor frowned. "Kris, I-"
I banged my fist on the pile of cards in my lap. "I killed her, Taylor! I killed her!"
He got up and stood over me. "You did not kill Jessica, Kris."
I shook my head, gazing down at the tiny silver necklace in my palm.
"The person responsible was that asshole driving that other car. Not you." he said, frustrated.
I turned away. "But she was leaning over. That killed her."
Taylor sighed and crossed his arms. "You know the driver is dead, right? The car was hit from the driver's door. The car spun and hit the wall on Jessica's door. If it wasn't the bending over, Jess would have died anyways. As is, Jamie is on the line, and she was in the back."
"Then why am I fine? Why?" I cried, my chest tightening.
Taylor came and sat on the edge of the bed. "I don't know. The pillow helped."
I looked at him, and I could see him hurting, feeling useless. "Jamie blames me. She hates me."
Taylor shook his head and turned his head, looking at the ever growing mound of flowers. "She's alone. Confused. her world has been torn apart, and she's searching for someone to blame. Anyone within reach."
I said nothing.
"I know this. That's what happened when Grandma died." he turned back. "I blamed myself for not saying goodbye, for not telling her I love her. I know she loves me and I love her. That's the same with Jamie and Jess."
I bit my lip, hard. "Jess has always been in Jamie's life. I can see ..."
"She will heal. It takes time." Tay mumbled, picking at the bed sheet.
I sighed. "God, I can't stand this. I want to go home. I want to be held." I was wrong, the tears were still around.
He turned and without further prompting wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I breathed in deeply and ignored the tears staining his shirt and the throbbing in my arm.
"Thanks, Tay." I sniffed.