If you don’t hear from me again within a reasonable amount of time please contact the authorities. I have reason to believe I have become an unsuspecting participant in a plan so diabolical and evil the consequences will have a devastating effect on the human population.
Squirrel Domination - The Plan
Hard to believe but they sacrificed one of their own to try to invade
our thoughts and reasons why we became the master inhabitants of the earth instead of them. "Earl the Squirrel" is a pawn sent by the unknown and fearless leader of the clan in St. Simons of which I am sure his identity will be revealed to me in my last hours. They know the human weakness for little, cute fuzzy creatures. Sure they act cute, jump and play, and shake their bushy tails, but being in such close contact with the rodents, I have found out what they are really made of!
Sometime in my sleep, a squirrel probe was implanted in my brain. I started seeing visions of squirrels everywhere! When I look in the sky the clouds have squirrel shapes. I spilled bleach on a shirt and the stain resembled a squirrel. When I took my morning walk a gas spill in a mud puddle was in the form of a squirrel. I am beyond a cure but I must warn others. They have infiltrated my home and my mind. Others must protect themselves and the food supply!
It will first start with the taunting. Pine cone leaves will be broken up on the deck so when you walk out with bare feet the pain will be unbearable. A pine cone of baseball speed will be hurled at you and miss you by inches. All you will feel in the sharp wisp of the wind as it zings by you. Birdhouses will be trashed and outside ornamental yard accents will be destroyed. Then, and worst of all, is the sinister chuckling heard after a pine cone attack or after a random, useless act of destruction against your home. The frightening sounds will chill you to the bone.
I know you think I’m paranoid but I have done some scientific testing
and my results have proven my claims. You may want to do some testing of your own but I’m sure the results will compare to mine.
1. Play a Marilyn Manson CD and see if the leaves in the trees start to shake violently.
2. Pretend you are going out on your deck. Open the door but don’t
walk out. I bet a pine cone falls within inches of where you would have been had you actually walked out.
3. Leave your coffee out on the deck table. Guess what you will find
in it!
4. Leave "Squirrel-Rid" or "Squirrel Stop" literature outside and see
if it is there in the morning.
The hardest thing to deal with is the poor little squirrel "EARL" they
sacrificed to divert my attention. They have tried to sway his thinking by breaking in late at night but he has resisted all attempts at mind control. I am resistant to do what I think I must to save the Island from these frightening creatures. Should I slit his throat and hang him up on the deck by his bushy tail for all to observe the consequences of their random acts of violence and to kill any ridiculous ideas of their becoming the dominant inhabitants of the Island?
Please arrange a meeting with your Contacts in the underworld and advise me before it’s to late.
Thank you for your support. I anxiously await your reply. I’m running out of pecans.