Totally unoriginal, but totally funny, and totally BEER!
Our beer, Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Gives us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our daily spillages,
As we forgive those who spillest against
us,
And lead us not into the practice
of poncey wine tasting,
And deliver us from alco-pops,
For mine is the bitter, the ale and
the lager,
Forever and ever, "Ah-beer!"
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale
and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy
you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered
with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over
backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed
to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette
butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front
of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or
glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom,
practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at
incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that
open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest
dog, complain about her house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through
bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy
you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried
out.
ACTION: Find out if you are
being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually
dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address
with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes
on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has
exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing was deemed necessary.......