I find that as I get older every passing year, I find it harder and harder to be human. What is right and what is wrong? There isn't any clear distinct line separating the black and the white and I often found myself loitering around in shades of grey. I want to be a Good Person. But so does everyone else. Which is fine, except that sometimes in certain situations someone has to be the Bad Person whether he/she wants it or not and that totally sucks. And this is especially in the case of hurting people who are close to you and who you really care about. For example(a boring one though), my mother sets me a curfew of twelve o'clock midnight which I don't agree on. Actually it's fine with me as long as once in a blue moon(I mean on special occasions) I can get to stay out later than that because sometimes I go out with my friends and when the partying has just started, I have to start saying all my goodbyes and start rushing home, which is a huge killjoy. But my mom wants it to be twelve regardless of anything. Period. So sometimes I don't care and come home late, and she gets all anxious and teary and I feel oh-so-guilty. And so I'm the Bad Person because I made her worry. But I understand she doesn't want to be the Bad Person too by enforcing all these rules, it's just a natural maternal instinct to care much about the children. So being a Good Person is not easy, not at all. In this long lifetime, I am rather sure that everyone has to go through a phrase of being a reluctant Bad Person, of having to hurt people even though you don't want to, like maybe being an employer having to retrench the employee, or having to break up with someone, or disappointing your favourite teacher. It's just so difficult to handle all these human relationships well. In a sense, it's all part of growing up as I have to grow to believe in myself, and in the decisions that I made. It sucks, and it's not easy, but it does motivate me in a way to rationalise my thoughts and feelings. So many roles in life to play, so hard to be the Good Person always.

A Great Big Ship And A Tiny Love Story

Hey, Titanic-obsessed fans, this might seem like a strange and foreign notion to you, but I'm telling you there are really, really many other great shows apart from 'Titanic' in existence! The madness has got to end, life has to go on, y'know? The extent of the madness only struck me when my teacher asked the class how many times did they watch 'Titanic' and almost everyone said 4-8 times! My classmates also bought 'Titanic' posters/postcards/assorted memorabilia from Chinatown in bulk, and they get horribly defensive when I give any comments that borders possibly on the bad, scary!!! I mean, I really like the show and all, think it's very well filmed, but the mass hysteria over it is pure madness. Get over it! There are many other shows that are capable of eliciting emotions that 'Titanic' has been able to do. BTW, I wrote the article below after watching it and they are my initial reactions(not bad ones lah), so read on… 'Titanic' is one of those few shows that warms our hearts and yet brings us out of our warm, secure cocoon to witness the ugliness of human behaviour. Before I watched the show, I was sceptical and somehow thought it was another over-rated Hollywood blockbuster type movie. But strangely, it was more than that. The mass death scene, which is so long that I think must have took up one hour out of the three, was highly disturbing. So many innocent people dying…and the worst part was this is not a fictional story. The love story between Jack and Rose is, but the most tragic part of the show, the mass death of so many, is very real. How terribly presumptuous and so like us humans to not believe in human error and overestimate our capability. Such a tiny mistake, miscalculation has resulted in one of history's biggest tragedy. On her maiden journey, the 'Titanic' ran into a giant iceberg and sank. And because she was thought to be 'unsinkable', not enough lifeboats were stocked on board(to save space.) These are common facts. One of the lesser known facts(well, at least I didn't know till I watched the movie) is the division of passengers into different classes and the unfair treatment of the third class passengers when the 'Titanic' was sinking. These third class passengers were locked in and not allowed to be on deck even when the ship was sinking, so as to prevent mass confusion and hysteria. It is rather disturbing that fellow humans are treated differently just because they are not born with a silver spoon in their mouths. Sigh. Oh, and the love story between the fictional Jack and Rose, don't anyone find it slightly incredulous that Rose never mentioned her great love story to anyone till her old age? Not even a passing mention to her husband, whoever he was? Hmmm. I find it more of a show about humanity than a love story, as the love story is more passion-driven rather real love. But then, who am I to say? Love is an unexplainable phenomenon. Oh well. Before I go contradict myself even further, I shall tell you people to watch 'She's so lovely'(which stars John Travolta, Sean Penn and Robin Wright-Penn) because I think it's a absolutely fantastic bitter-sweet love story. Some fluffy romantic comedies I like as well: Reality Bites( generation X-ers fall in love, woohoo), Benny and Joon (I think they are showing this on TV soon though), Singles(corny but cute), When Harry met Sally (a funny insight look on 'platonic' friendship) ,The Truth About Cats And Dogs ( for insecure people who are in love.)

I'm Woman, Hear Me Roar

And that is one of my favourite movie quotes ever, taken from 'Batman Returns' in a liberating scene after Michelle Pfeffier changes from a frumpy, often-bullied secretary to Catwoman; strong, powerful, independent. Yeah, she was the villain, so what? At least she wasn't the hapless token female waiting for Batman to rescue her. She dares to make changes and fight for what she thinks is right. How many of us can say that we do that, truly, really? I don't think I can. Seriously, most of the time I just whine about stuff and hope for the best. Writing for this zine is one of my small steps to doing something instead of sitting on my ass and complaining all the time. I hope this written propaganda will help enlighten, provoke, intrigue someone out there reading this. I hope, I hope. Oh well. Anyway I have a point to make. At one of the Youth Park gigs, Ginette and I were distributing some Riot Grrrl propaganda and a couple of friends were telling me that if we are really feminists, we should shave our heads, not put on any make-up, not shave our legs/armpits, etc, etc. Alright, I have got to admit, I'm new to this Riot Grrrl stuff and only started to read up about it recently but I think the concept that most people are holding is wrong. Yep, I think that the Riot Grrrl movement is pro-feminism in the sense that it is about grrrl love, resisting the negative in a patriarchal society. But actually, it's more about accepting yourself for what you are and loving yourself, with help and support from other Riot Grrls/Boys. It's about talking about your problems and sharing and growing. In other words, "The whole concept of Riot Grrrl is about empowerment, about being supported by and supportive of other women, even if we don't agree. Riot Grrrl is a name I can claim for myself instead of having stereotypes cast upon me. To me Riot Grrrl is about being accepted without being criticized or judged. I think Riot Grrrl is about finding ourselves in and pulling ourselves out from under all the crap we've been socialized into. It's about educating ourselves so we can stop being sexist, racist and oppressive- to get beyond physical differences, social stigmas and stereotypes and become true human beings."-taken from the InternetRiot Grrrl (to me) is a freedom of expression. There is no written rule on riot Grrrl and in many cases it's not men-hating and not violent(due to the freedom of expression, some other Riot Grrls interpret it in their ownways.) Personally, I don't see why there should be unequal treatment of either sexes , both sexes should work towards equality without one side biting each other's head off .I also don't think either sex should feel more superior than the other. Also, Riot Grrrl is a sort of empowerment within oneself, and the understanding and accepting of your own body, and having your own identity, and I feel that should be what everyone (guy or girl) should be trying to work towards eventually.

….teenage angst has paid off well, now I'm bored and old…

Oh God, I'm turning 19 this year. And I still look 15. And on some days, I even feel 15. I never thought I will get to this far. Somehow I always thought I will die before I reach 21. And 19 is so very near to 21. But who knows what will happen from now to then, huh? So I'll be 19 this year. My last teen year and next year, I will be an adult, sorta. Guess I will always be trapped in this little girl body of mine. Always the short one, always the young-looking one. I'm in denial. I can't be so old. 19 seems so bloody old. I can still remember my fifteen year old self as though it was yesterday when I pledged my undying love for Kurt Cobain and cried buckets when he died. Haha, 'the times, they are a-changing', as Bob Dylan will sing. Do any of you write journals/diaries? I used to write loads when I was younger.(read:15) I think it was because I felt repressed and needed an outlet but didn't want to depress my friends too much with my morbid thoughts. (Cindy claims now she used to be a lot more happier before she met me.) Anyway ,reading the entries in my worn-out journal, I came to a realization of sorts: a) I have been getting happier and happier over the years. I think it's got to do with the fact that I have learnt to lower my expectations of life so I don't get disappointed as often as I used to and have grown more contented with what I have. I'm still a pessimist ,yes, but I don't get as depressed as I used to and that's definitely good to start with. I think growing up makes me appreciate the things around me more. Friends, family. Even the little things in life like rainy days and freshly-washed laundry make me feel real good to be alive sometimes nowadays. b) Also, I still haven't mastered the damn guitar yet! Far from it even. I used to have this dream of being able to play the guitar well, so damn well that people will be in awe at my guitar genius, and that I will be in a band and play the music I love and dazzle everyone with my talent and skill(hahaha). Now it seems sort of a half-dream, half-fantasy I created in Sec 3, especially with my guitar sitting in dust at the corner of my room now and looking forlorn and lonely as I'm writing this. I haven't played it in ages and have forgotten even the most basic of chords. And the worse part is, I should be feeling enthusiastic and wanting to learn to play it again, but I'm not. Guess I lost the desire to be an ace guitar-player, and that's pretty sad. Hope I will regain that passion for learning the guitar soon, and be involved in the creation of music and not just be a bystander like now. (My gut feeling ,however, tells me that it will probably be another one of my dreams that will never be realized due to my perpetual laziness.) Ahh well. c) I also realized that even though some of my dreams have faded, pessimism reduced and people have entered and left my life(and maybe re-entered and left again), I still have no real goal as far as my career ambitions go. I'm still where I was four years ago. Nowhere. My dad asked me this morning what I wanted to study at the university and what kind of job I want to get after that. He asked me the same question after my 'O' Levels. I still have no sure answer for him. All I know is that I don't want to study business or engineering or anything as 'technical' like that. I want to study d) something that can give me more creative output, help me to think in e) different perspectives, like philosophy or political science or mass communications or something like that. But I know it will not be easy for me to find jobs should I take on courses like these. (and nope, I don't want to be a teacher, not at all.) Some friends have told me that I'm being impractical by wanting to take on courses like these because how many employers will want to hire someone with a degree in philosophy or literature? Subjects that you can't really apply to normal day-to-day work. And I don't even feel the need to find a job that reaps in big bucks, I just want to earn enough so that at the end of every year I would have saved sufficiently enough to go travel to anywhere I want. Travel around the world; travel to the beautiful, exotic places that I have always dreamt of going. And that is my ultimate goal-if I live past 21 ,that is.J

Stupid Things That Presidents Do: 'Ford also lost his patience, sending in the Marines to rescue the crew of the American merchant ship Mayaguez, which had been captured by the Cambodian-Communists in May 1975. This vigorous move won popular acclaim until it was disclosed that the Cambodians had already agreed to release the captured Americans; the forty-one Americans killed in the operation had died to no avail.' Ever felt stupid? Well no fear, for each issue of this wonderful zine I will highlight a moment in history where leaders make incredibly dumb mistakes that make you feel better about yourself. This issue, we turn our spotlight to Gerald Ford, who was the president of United States from 1974-76, which also meant he was the most powerful man in the world at this time. Another Stupid Thing He Did: When U.S. was suffering from high inflation and unemployment rates and plunged into recession, he rejected wage and price controls to curb inflation but instead gave out "WIN" buttons, symbolizing his campaign to "Whip Inflation Now". Buttons? I'm no economist but I don't think giving out buttons is gonna help solve inflation. Unsurprisingly Ford was not elected to run another term. Note: I'm not out to attack American presidents, just that I have better knowledge of them 'coz I'm studying them for history. So, er, no offense to Americans out there reading this. BTW, here are a few of my favorite Clinton jokes surrounding the Monica Lewinsky episode: Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town. Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." (taken from the net) Ho-hum. Hope you'd enjoyed the jokes.

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th this year was a weird day for me. Firstly, in the morning I learnt that a grandaunt of mine died of cancer the day before. I wasn't close to her, not at all, so I wasn't too affected by the news. We used to only see each other only once annually during the obligatory rounds made during Chinese New Year when my family visited her place. In fact, in the last few years, my brother and I had stopped following my parents when they do the visiting so I hadn't seen her a couple of years. I even had to think a while before I could recall how she looked like when my mum told me the news. I have never been to funeral before that Friday, so it was a first in my life(not that I had been looking forward to it!). On that very same afternoon of Friday the 13th , our dear editor Andy was also lying in a hospital having a sinus operation. I couldn't visit him on that day because I was supposed to have tuition that night hence I had to stayed at home and do my work. I don't suppose anyone can die from a sinus operation but still, operations and hospitals give me a weird feeling. Anyway, at night I went to the funeral and sat there for two hours humming songs in my brain. I didn't know anyone except for a few aunts and my cousins didn't turned up. Later, I went to peer down on the corpse. I felt as remotely detached as I felt throughout the whole event. There she laid, all dolled up and wearing a beautiful cheong-sam and looking so tiny in her coffin, and she was so close to me, yet so far too. I didn't feel like I had anything to relate to her. When I went to sit down again, I received a page from a friend. I returned the page and my friend started telling me most happily that his sister was born that morning. I had been looking forward to his sister's birth for a while because it would be the first time his mother was giving birth in Singapore as they are expats, so I had been kinda excited for them. But yet it was a strange time for me to receive that piece of news; I didn't find it right to express any form of joy at a funeral (despite my inexperience) and I was still in that lethargic, unfeeling mood so I merely gave my subdued congratulations. It was such a strange day : a funeral, an operation and a birth. The circle of life moves so swiftly; one dies, and another is born…. Maybe this is a gentle reminder to me that life always will have plenty of sad moments, but that fortunately they are followed by good moments not too far behind. As I said, this Friday the 13th has been weird but also yet also in a way, kinda memorable.

For your reading pleasure….

Ok, for this issue I will review 4 books (3 of which I read during the holidays). The most recent one I read is called 'Typical Girls' and the intro bit of it says it 'owes debts of gratitude to feminism,….and to punk rock, the fuck-you, can-do attitude and the catalyst behind so many brilliant books, songs, films and powerful pieces of art.' I like this description of punk rock. It emphasizes the idea that punk rock is not only about music, but is an entire whole movement. It also says at the back of the book that 'Typical Girls means moving forward in a post-feminist world without the trappings of victim culture holding women back. These young women don't take Prozac, don't tolerate crap boyfriends, and don't see being female as a list of complaints and disorders.' Well, after getting all excited after reading the promising bits and pieces, I must say I was slightly let down by the book itself. This book is a compilation of 15 short stories written by young women and is edited by Susan Corrigan. Most of these stories fare moderately well, and some fare pretty good, like 'Book of Nick' and 'The Indelible Hulk' which is about a woman trying to fit into society and its standards how she triumphs in her mind and realizes that's what really matters. Also, 'Schering PC4-A Love Story' which is about sexually-transmitted diseases and 'Having Myself A Time'(about this woman meeting the perfect man and then forgetting where to meet him again-ha, ironic!) are also commendable writings. One story I don't like though is 'Completely Overloaded' as the author seems to enjoy portraying about how 'wasted' and 'fast' her lifestyle is and kinda showing off her knowledge of bands and stuff like that. But this book is not too bad on the whole though. 'Wild Swans' by Jung Chang contains 600-plus pages, and is by far, the thickest book I have ever read (normally I prefer shorter stories because I have a short attention span), but this book is so amazingly interesting that I just persisted in reading it. It's about China, and a biography of the author's grandmother, mother and herself; three strong-willed, feisty women and their lives under repression in China. Through this book, you will learn a lot about China, how it was ran as a communist state, about the Cultural Revolution, the building up of Mao Zedong's personality cult and the sufferings of the people under the totalitarian rule. The author's grandmother's marriage was match-made and she was one of the last few women to have 'three-inch golden lilies'-feet bound into a few inches and prevented from growing bigger. Seeing women tether on those tiny feet was supposed to be arousing to men (strange!). The author's mother was a radical communist whereas the author herself used to be a Red Guard before. The language in this book is simple yet the writing style is effective in conveying the author's feelings across. She acts as a narrator of her mother and grandmother's stories and it is obvious much effort has gone into constructing the whole picture of the story and making it as accurate as it can be. Knowing that such atrocious deeds did happen in China before made me wept several times when I was reading the book. Do read this book if you can afford the time. 'Kitchen' is a much thinner book written by a young Japanese woman called Banana Yoshimoto. This book contains two short stories, both of which are about young lovers in urban, contemporary Japan. Both stories have the same elements of death, hope, bitter-sweet love, and transsexuality in them and are written in a light, airy style. I rather like this book, as it touches on interesting, sad topics without being exceedingly depressing. I heard it has been made into a Chinese movie which is supposed to be quite good but I haven't watched it yet. In keeping with my classic books fetish, I read 'A Farewell To Arms' by Ernest Hemingway but is not highly impressed by it. Granted, he could describe very vividly emotions felt by his characters and go into wonderful detail about the surroundings but the story itself isn't too interesting and proved rather slow-paced and a drag. The story is mainly about a soldier falling in love during wartime. This book has been turned into a movie called 'In love and war' which star Sandra Bullock and Chris O' Donnell. In fact, I watched the show last year but somehow after reading the book, I realize there aren't too many similarities between the show and the book . Anyway, I enjoyed the show better so maybe it's better for you to watch the show than to read the book.