Rest in Peace
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends 
wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read 
the card; it said "Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.  
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how 
angry he was,the florist said.

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting 
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking 
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 
"Congratulations on your new location.


Difficult Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a 
divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"  The farmer said, 
"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."

The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"  The farmer 
said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you 
don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I 
don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have 
a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I
park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you
have a suit?" 

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear th to church on
Sundays." 

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your
wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY 
DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
"Well everything was fine, we just never could have a decent conversation."


Husband's New Wife
An elderly  woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the the artist....

....."Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond
necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. "

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband.  
I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want
his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.


Smart Parrot
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the 
items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, 
so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot 
and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until 
the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500. When he goes to get the 
bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"  The auctioneer 
replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"


Windy Texas Town
   A New Yorker traveling through west Texas stopped in the little town
 of Rankin for lunch.  As he stepped out on to the little Main Street,
 the 40 mile per hour wind practically pulled the car door off!  He
 started towards the diner, leaning into the wind, with on hand on his
 hat to keep it from being blown off.

    As he approached the stores he saw an old-timer leaning against the
 corner of the building, reading a newspaper.  The New Yorker was
 fascinated that he held the paper just right so the wind wouldn't even
 ruffle it as he read.  He asked the man, "Sir, does the wind blow like
 this all the time?"

    The old timer looked up and faced into the wind, as if he suddenly
 just noticed it, turned back, eyed the stranger from head to foot, and
 said, "Noooope.  Sometimes it comes from the other direction."


Classical Music Movie
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold 
Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not 
having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he 
would like to be. 

Stallone says "I like Mozart.  I want to be Mozart" 

So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he 
turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?" 

And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"


Smarter Than You Think
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to 
hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't 
know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would 
constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy 
of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove 
it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between 
a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would 
always take the nickel --
they said, because it was bigger. 

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner 
took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making 
fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth 
more than the nickel.  Are you grabbing the nickel because 
it's bigger, or what?" 

Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big 
grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, 

"Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, 
and so far I have saved $20!"


Talking to God
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a
meadow on a warm spring day.  Puffy white clouds rolled by and he
pondered their shape.  Soon, he began to think about God.

"God?  Are you really there?"  Jimmy said out loud.

To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds.  "Yes, Jimmy? 
What can I do for you?"

Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God?  What is a million
years like to you?"

Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity,
God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate.  "A
million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute."

"Oh," said Jimmy.  "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to
you?"

"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."

"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea.  "You're so generous...
can I have one of your pennies?"

God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy!  Just a minute."