Lori's Humor Pages
Paint Supply
Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and
British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to
the colonies.
One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the
ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship
full of blue paint.
As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.
Confused Nuns
A Policeman pulled over a carload of Nuns.
POLICEMAN: Sister this is a 65MPH Highway, Why are you going so slow?
SISTER: Sir, I saw alot of signs that said 22 not 65.
POLICEMAN: Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the Highway
that you are on.
SISTER: Oh silly me, Thank you for telling me that. I'll be more
careful.
In the meantime the Polceman is looking in the backseat at the other
Nuns. And they are shaking and tremblng .
POLICEMAN: Excuse me Sister, Whats wrong with your friends back there?
They are shaking and trembling real bad.
SISTER: Oh, we just got off the 119.
How to Get What You Want In Life
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a
junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his
retirement in peace and contentment.
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three
young boys full of youthful after-school enthusiasm came down
his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.
The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the
wise old man decided it was time to take someaction.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists
as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said,
"You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your
exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your
age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if
you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the
trash cans.A few days later, the wily retiree approached them
again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look" he said.
"I haven't received my Social Security (Pension) check yet,
so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents.
Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think
we're going to waste our time beating these cans around
for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity
for the rest of his days.
The Money, The Whiskey, or The Bible
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents.
The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable
to decide about his future career ...
so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey,
and put them on the front hall table ... then they hid,
pretending they were not at home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will
be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest -
but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will
be a drunkard."
So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.
Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive ...
the son saw the note they had left.
Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket.
After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.
Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative
whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room,
carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I
could ever have imagined ... "
"Our son is going to be a politician!"
3 Pints a Day
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one
inturn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;
it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just
quit drinking."
Hired Help
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a
construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the
Italian guy, "Your're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're
in
charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of
supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to
make a dent in that pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep
any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the
Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't
find him."
So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't
shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You
left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of
sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs
out from a closet and yells: "SUPPLIES!"
Doesn't Take An Einstein
Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be
executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian asks for Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then
take away.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and
also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are
supprized and reply "STRAWBERRIES?"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"But they are out of season!"
"I'll wait..."
Crazy Lawyer
A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn`t moved for more than half
an
hour.
Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way
towards
him through the line of stranded vehicles.
"Hey son, what`s the hold up?" the guy asked.
"It`s some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He`s lying in the middle of
the road
and he`s doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to
himself.
We`re taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?"
"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired.
"Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three
lighters."
Job Evaluation
Unique Job Evaluation - Letter to Vice President
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubical. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutly no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
-Project Leader
A SUBSEQUENT MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE ABOVE LETTER:
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while i wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read ONLY the odd
numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assesment of him.
Regards.
Things Not To Say to a Police Officer
* Hey, you must've been doin' at least 125mph to keep up with me!
* Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
Police Officer.
* Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
* You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead.
* "Bad Cop! No Donut!"
* I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other
car
around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
* You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
* Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
* I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
* So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
* Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only
gave
me a warning too!
* Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
* Red light?!? Come on, that was pink!
* Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
* When you smack me around, make sure you smile pretty for the
camcorder.
Stupid Criminals
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a
7-11),
put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash
in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the
cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The
total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
A South Carolina man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be
arrested immediately.
A bank robber was arrested the day after the robbery at a motel near
the state line only twenty or thirty miles away. Why did he stop so
close to the scene of the crime? He explained he was on parole and
couldn't cross the state line without permission from his parole
officer.
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinderblock thru a liquor store window, grab
some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be
thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window
was
made of Plexi-Glass. (PLUS, The whole event was caught on videotape.)
As a female shopper exited a Ney York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, police had apprehended the perpetrator. They put him
in
their cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken
out
of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes Officer... that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from."
Baseball
Two buddies Chris and John were two of the biggest baseball fans in
America. For their entire adult lives, Chris and John discussed baseball
history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the
season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died
first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.
One summer night, Chris passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights
later,
his buddy John awoke to the sound of Chris's voice from beyond. "Chris
is
that you?" John asked.
"Of course it me," Chris replied.
"This is unbelievable!" John exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball
in
heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you
want
to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, John."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."