Lori's Humor Pages
Collision Course-actual conversation
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED
STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND
NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY
AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Blind Date
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining
and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass
eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young
woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a
drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards
she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you
like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As
the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a
marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man
you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
Smart Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had
genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping
that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All
to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and
generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced
inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the
mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock
to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near
the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor
noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the
farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he
would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to
this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what
that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men
would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my
head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
Things Aren't Always What They Seem
FOUR strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a
European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady
who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her
sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like
something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from
the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly
decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant
Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about
trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they
sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a
distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could
be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with
their own thoughts.
----------------------------
The older lady was thinking,
----------------------------
"Isn't it wonderful
that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women
who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
--------------------------------------------------------
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled,
---------------------------- ----------------------------
asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to
kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
------------------------------------------
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face,
------------------------------------------
was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his
position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
------------------------------------------
And the private, grinning from ear to ear,
------------------------------------------
was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a
private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant
Major in the face and get away with it!"
Blondes and Lawyers
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from
LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to
play
a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot
of
fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines
and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$50!"
figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to
the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls
out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill
with
three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a
puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the
Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his
coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde
politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.
Twins
An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto
accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for
nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and
asks about her baby.
Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he
sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you
recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but
what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes,
despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal
delivery procedure."
"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a
girl."
The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies.
The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the
infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're
okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of
everything for you. He even gave the babies names."
At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an
idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor
answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so
bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered,
"Denephew".
Why Americans fail Geography-true stories told by travel agents
1. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be
cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
2. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport
information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to
make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in
South Africa." her response....click.
3. A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles.
She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could
find I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it
was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought
the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb
of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she
was not even embarrassed.
4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that
is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida
is a very thin state."
5. I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible
to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they
look so close on the map."
6. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got
into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was
an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the
concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very
fast, and she bought that!
7. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to
who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when
I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage
that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into
it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the
city code for Fresno, California is FAT, and that the airline
was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
8. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant,
which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none
of these darn planes have numbers on them."
9. A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on
one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to
Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."
10. A business man called and had a question about the documents
he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't,
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times
and every time they have accepted my American Express card."
OK, Enough Lipstick
The junior high school principal had a problem with some girls
who were starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the
bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors, leaving
lip prints.
So he spoke to the teachers and asked them for their help.
They promised they would speak to the girls, but after two weeks,
the sitiation didn't improve at all.
He even called a few of the girls parents who were his friends for
their advice, but to no avail. The mirrors were constantly a mess.
Finally he thought of a way to stop it.
One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick.
He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard
it was to clean the lipstick off the mirrors.
You could see the young girls smiling at each other, all
nodding publicly but smirking to one another.
The principle then asked the custodian, who was present,
to demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors.
The custodian took a long handled brush, dipped it into the
toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.
Misunderstanding with Police Officer
A small-town police officer was sitting in his car on a Saturday
morning when a motorist sped past him down Main Street. He quickly
pulls the car over.
"Officer," the man began, "I can explain..."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "We don't *tolerate* reckless driving
in this town! I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the
chief gets back."
"But, officer, you don't under..."
"And I said to keep quiet!" he barked, reaching for his nightstick
to
convince the man he meant what he said. A few hours later the officer
looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at
his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," replied the fellow in the cell. "I'm the
groom."
The Diet
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I
want
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
least
5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to
drop
dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."
No, from skipping."
Day at the Golf Course
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was
an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had
to play
golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
convinced him to
say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the
room,
Father
Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This
way he
knew he wouldn`t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and
everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking
down from
the heavens and exclaimed, "You`re not going to let him get away with
this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton
hit the
ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
ONE!
St.
Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you
let him do
that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who`s he going to tell?"
Actual Business Signs
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak." In
a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car
payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you
coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
On a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the
2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what
you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can
eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is
optional."
A gas station and deli in Colusa, California recently had a sign in
front of the store that said "Buy our chicken and get gas."
Drugs Similar to Viagra
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this
drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
administered this drug actually noticed that their wives had a new
hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to
noticing new clothing.
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when
they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
FASHONAGRA - Men on this drug suddenly do not need their wife's
advice to match clothing!
NEGA-LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be truthful when being asked
about their personal affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand
Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men
want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other
family members.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more
likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a
new one.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in
the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs
of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects
into "special prosecutors."
Only in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than
an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a
large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures"...
Kids and Science
The following are all quotes from 11 year old's science exams:
* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the
cow instead of the bull."
* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire."
* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas."
* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and
the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity
contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."
* "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
* "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and
down to make Artificial Perspiration."
* "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor."
* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
* "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in
this fight."
* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."