At the Doctor
70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his
tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George
everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally,
emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good
relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when
I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on &
I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!" "Wow,"
commented Dr. Smith, 'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
'Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great.
But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with
God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The
light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes
off?'"
Thelma replied, "Darn fool! He's peeing in the fridge again!"
Another Drunken Night
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to
leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but
to
no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl
outside
and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside,
he
stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman
decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He
crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he
tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself
upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon
as
his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
Actual Church Bulletins
* The 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 & 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
* Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
* The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Now Up Yours."
* A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church.
It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.
What We've Learned From the Movies
1 .All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach
up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level
on the man lying beside her.
2 If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick
of French Bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while
SCUBA diving
5. During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.
6. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
10. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
11. It is always possible to park directly outside the
building you are visiting.
12. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
13. When they are alone, all non-native English speakers prefer
to speak English to each other.
14. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you
take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over.
It will always be the exact fare.
15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Fun with Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I
keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money
I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want
to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems
to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is
acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try
to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about
your problems.
3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him
to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask
where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions
about the company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a
second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are
you wearing?" (*I dont think Sprint will ever call me back!*)
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as
she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and
keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most
fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I
don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" *MY FAVORITE*
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well,
how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but
necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or,
"That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to
marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't
give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling
from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a
group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a
policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you
their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not
allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number
and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most
effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says,
"Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you
know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
World's Shortest Books
- "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk
25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed
about work!"
22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy Zymosis
Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?"
21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
19. "Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the
last time management course you sent me to."
17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a
new paradigm!"
15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I
learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related
stress."
10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
9. "I was working smarter-not harder."
8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."
7. "I'm in the management training program."
6. "The coffee machine is broken...."
5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!"
2. "It's okay... I'm still billing the client."
And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"
50 Fun Things to do at Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and
stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join
in.(what is calvinball anyway)
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray
air
fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think
we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,"
and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and
turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.(this wal-mart is to good for
automatic doors)
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in
so long!..." etc. See if they play
along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud
enough for all to hear, "Who
BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it
for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet
away. Continue to do this until they
leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as
your
playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&zed.M's on layaway. (is that supposed to be m&m's?)
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
invite them in if they bring pillows
from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the
Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside
down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why
won't
you people just leave me
alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between
them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there
are any in stock, i.e., "Do you
have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the
clerk if he knows where the
anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,
etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,
quickly make off with it without
saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no!
It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If
the store has a food court, buy a
soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can
put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
50 Fun Things to do in an Elevator
1.Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering,
"Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.Shave.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your
upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet
Willy?"
13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14.One word: Flatulence!
15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go
"plink" at the bottom.
16.Do Tai Chi exercises.
17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on."
18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh,
not now, damn motion sickness!"
19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20.Meow occasionally.
21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25.Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29.Leave a box between the doors.
30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32.Start a sing-along.
33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34.Play the accordion.
35.Shadow box.
36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37.Lean against the button panel.
38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red
buttons.
39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41.Bring a chair along.
42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43.Blow spit bubbles.
44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host
body."
46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"