Revenge of THE PANTS Minions
This latest addtion to the PANTS narratives was written by the wonderful yet slightly twisted Distempered. For those of you wondering why all the references to books, it was written as an entry to a Coles Bookstore contest...by the way, Distempered won the contest...way to go Minion #1!
The library received a new box of books every other weekend but this box
contained something unusual. Mrs. Grummer, the head librarian, grunted at
me and nodded, meaning I was to unpack the box. I reached in eagerly and
pulled out . . . a ratty old blanket. A red feather boa, a pair of
handcuffs, a bass drum, two guitar picks and a grumpy looking cat later,
the box was empty.
"Humph" snorted Mrs. Grummer "Stop fooling around and unpack those
books!"
"Yes'm." I mumbled and peeked into the box again. Yet nothing was
there! Wait . . . was that a bottle of Pepsi? I pulled it out and dust
began to fly everywhere!
"That must've been in there for *cough* ages!" Then I did a double
take and took a second look at the Pepsi.
"It's . . . green! How gross!"
Shuddering with disgust, I took the
bottle and trashed it in the alley behind the library. To my horror, green
smoke began to fill the alley and with a *poof!* a handsome man with wavy
brown hair and smelly, ratty, holey, corduroys that once must have been
blue, appeared from nowhere. He looked disoriented for a few minutes, but
recovered quickly from his shock of being released from his Pepsi bottle
prison. He spied me backing away rather suddenly towards the library's back
door.
"Hey where are you going?" he cried. "You aren't going to leave me
here with the rats, roaches and this guy playing a harmonica serenade to a
Dumpster, are you?" He made a pitiful face. "At least lend me a hair brush
and some dental floss . . . Five years in a Pepsi bottle with no vanity
devices is an awful long time for a beautiful being as myself." I started to
leave without a backward glance.
"WAIT!" he cried in desperation. "Don't you want your wishes?"
Now, part of me was saying that this guy was a little too slap happy
with a substance that could only be called not-water, due to the fact this
is a children's story. The other half was wondering "If not-water can do
that for someone like HIM, imagine what it would do for ME." I smiled and
turned back to him.
"OK, first things first . . . what is your name and what is that
you're WEARING?"
He frowned and mumbled something about being Jaded. "I'm David the
Genie, but you can call me Dave." He brushed the flies from his pants, which
seemed on the verge of falling off him. "These are The PANTS. You've never
heard of The PANTS Minions and their mission?"
Numbly I shook my head.
"The PANTS give me my magic powers, sex appeal and less than stellar
intelligence. The Minions are determined to overthrow me and steal my PANTS."
Thinking this not-water stuff must be pretty darn good, I asked
"and my wishes?"
"Well," he began sheepishly, "Due to company policies, I'm allowed
only one wish per customer now. Sorry." He shrugged. "Choose carefully"
I thought and I thought and I thought and I- well, you know the
rest. . .
"Hmmmm . . . " I wondered.
Dave looked around impatiently. "Hurry!" he urged "The Minions are
everywhere!"
Grinning, I reached up and pulled off my mask. David recoiled and
gasped in horror.
"Y-you!" He stuttered as the other Minions appeared out of the
gloominess of the alley.
"Yes, I am a Minion, and proud to be so!" I smiled evilly. "Now, I
have chosen what my wish is to be. I wish for you to give me your PANTS, no
questions asked." Seeing there was nothing he could do, David removed his
PANTS and handed them to me. Mortal and wearing Calvin Kleins in the
middle of a filthy alleyway, he promptly decided to make friends with the
harmonica-playing, Dumpster-serenading man, then stay and face us.
The PANTS Mistress, seeing as Jaded was her name and also her
condition, did not bother congratulating me on my work well done, but
Distempered, being MY name and condition, I couldn't really care less
anyway. In celebration, not-water was enjoyed by all. There was fun and
games, such as how-long-can-we-stuff-rhinos-into-Dave's-
pants-before-the-rhinocerous-
asphyxiates-and-we're-stuck-with-a-rather-large-carcas- to-deal-with,
pitching lawn darts at alley cats, and getting lost in Detroit in the niddle
of the night with only a van and the locals for direction (kids don't try
this at home!). And it was all because the library got a new shipment of
books.