Revenge on THE PANTS



This exotic piece of PANTS lore was written by none other than the fabulous Impassioned...love it, hate it, think it should be offered to Jeff the Satanic Sexpot as an offering? Mail Impassioned and tell her what you want, what you really, really want (a zig a zig ah)...

Jaded and Embittered productions present...in association with Mistress-of-Delay productions...

REVENGE ON THE PANTS...

David gently laid his PANTS down to rest after an exhausting show in Montreal.

"Sleep well my friends", he said lovingly, "I'll miss you." and he tucked them in tightly, giving them a good-night kiss on the waistband before locking them down to a chair using 4 chains, 6 combination locks and the club. He also had two security guards on duty for the night. He was taking no chances with their safety after the last two attempts at theivery by the jealous sex god wannabes that make up the rest of the band Moist.

"Sleep well." he whispered as he climbed into his own bed, unaware of the gleaming eyes of his Hairbrush and Dental Floss looking upon the trusting PANTS.

"Remember when David used to speak to us that way?" The Dental Floss asked harshly, "On his time off, he always used to spend time with us! But ever since those PANTS arrived we just could never give enough, have enough, be enough..." The Floss trailed off. "How long has it been since he's spoken to us that way?" the Hairbrush hissed angrily. "Ages!" the Dental Floss replied, "But tonight is the last night that those PANTS get all his attention!" "What do you mean?" The Brush said excitedly...

"I have heard a lot about two girls named Jaded and Embittered Floss replied, "they are masters at getting security guards to do whatever they want. At all the concerts they go to, security guards protect them, bring them drinks if they get thirsty etc..." The Brush cut him off. "So how does that help us?" "Will you shut up and listen?" The Floss said, "If we can get them to entice the guards away from THE PANTS, Then they can grab the keys from the dresser, take off the locks, and "take out" THE PANTS! David will have no choice but to come back to us!" "You're brilliant!" The brush exclaimed and excitedly waited for Jaded and Embitted to arrive.

Just then, they appeared. It took about two seconds for the bouncers to look over at Jaded and Embittered and become instantly infatuated. They left their jobs of guarding THE PANTS and went over to ask if they wanted anything. Jaded and Embittered simply had to say "Water" and the bouncer problem was solved. Then they quickly went to grab the keys from the dresser to unlock THE PANTS. As they pulled the last lock off, the PANTS got a little excited, and Jaded had to take control *sound of fifteen foot buggy whip*.

"Shut up, PANTS, and no one gets hurt!" she said. But THE PANTS didn't listen, and the warning only made them more noisy, and Jaded was forced to pull out a gun. But, this didn't worry THE PANTS at all. "Your fucking pistol's not so dangerous." THE PANTS said, "stick it any place you please. I hate it here anyway. I'm overworked! Dave never gives me a break! Everyday it's the same old thing. I mean, he's got tons of money! Why can't he buy himself another pair of PANTS?!" THE PANTS continued on their incoherent rantings mumbling something about higher pay and Lemon fresh Sunlight.

"So THE PANTS don't like it here, eh?" Embittered said. This new discovery intrigued her. "Maybe we don't have to hurt them at all," She whispered to Jaded, "It'd be a shame to waste such a good pair of PANTS..." "You're right." she agreed. Then she spoke to THE PANTS, "Look, PANTS," she said harshly, swallowing any words of comfort whole, "I want you out of here, NOW! You don't like it here then get out and don't even think about coming back!!!"...So THE PANTS did just that. They left saying something about Dave would miss him, and couldn't last a day without them. And the Hairbrush and the Floss were overjoyed, and were confident that David would forget about THE PANTS, and come back to them. They were wrong...

The next morning, David awoke and went to go get his PANTS, and was greeted with an empty chair and a very big shock. "MY PANTS" he yelled, "WHERE ARE MY CORDS!" Then he saw the bouncers, both sitting with a glass of water, waiting for Jaded and Embittered to show up. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PANTS?!" he cried. "What?" they said, "what PANTS? All we care about is those girls coming back! They have to, too. Cos we have their water! They wouldn't leave without taking their water!" they said knowingly. Seeing that those bouncers were useless and not all that bright, David went to wake up his wife.

"Sabrina!", he cried, "My PANTS! They're gone" She shot up in bed "The cords?! gone? Nooo!" she said, "How did this happen?" "I took them off last night when I went to bed, and now they're gone!" he replied. "I can't believe this..." David mumbled to himself, shocked, "I was the one to never change... I wore them everyday..." "You promised me that you would always wear them!" She accused, "you just aren't a sex god without them" "I never meant to promise anything..." Dave started. "That's alright, I know you wanted to." Sabrina replied. "Oh no." she said, "I tried for love to forget about them, but I'd kill for you to find those PANTS!" "Will you help me find them then?" Dave asked. "I wish I could... I never thought I'd live to leave you..." Sabrina said "but without THE PANTS, you just aren't the same, David. I'm sorry, but until you find them, I can't see you." And with that she got up and left. "I'll find them." David vowed and he went to go find the rest of the band. He figured that they would have had something to with it....

He finally met up with the Mark, Jeff and Paul but before he could start screaming about his PANTS, Kevin burst into the room. "OH MY GOD!! THE SHOP-VAC! IT'S GONE! DO YOU KNOW WHAT'LL HAPPEN TO US IF THAT THING DISSAPEARS? DO YOU REALIZE THE DIFFERENCE A REAL SERIOUS SHOP-VAC CAN MAKE???" he cried, twitching sporadically. "Did you leave it in the van?" Mark asked calmly. "THE VAN!!!" Kevin yelled happily, still twitching. He let out a sigh of relief and calmed down. He looked over and saw David standing in the doorway. "Hi David!" "Don't "hi" me!" he said "Who took my PANTS? You all can't stand that those PANTS have some weird power that makes women swoon! WHO TOOK THEM!? I know one of you are to blame, but I can't say why..."

"Calm down Dave!" Paul said. "Oh FUCK YOU Paul!" said David. "What are you doing Dave?" Jeff said, turning from the Three's Company reruns he was watching, "You know Paul can easily kick the shit out of any of us!" "I know, I know. " Dave said "I was goaded into spite. I can't help it! My PANTS... Gone again... Will you guys help me find them?" The band's answer's were all strikingly similar...

PAUL: "ME? oh no no no no... I have some things to take care of, however what I do in my spare time is much to depraved to mention in polite conversation with the queen"
MARK: "I would, really. But I think there's still a few border guards that haven't tested out their proctology skills on me yet..."
JEFF: says no along with few heart felt words about the history of Canadian film and dissapears into a puff of recycled socks and stolen cd's.
KEVIN: mumbles something about the difference a real serious Shop-Vac can make, and proceeds to describe his afternoon plans of bobbing for worms in an inflatible wading pool filled with Cuervo"
STAN: "WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR DAMN PANTS?! WHERE THE HELL IS MY CREAM OF WHEAT?" he says and goes outside to yell obsenaties at neighbourhood children that appear to be having to much fun.

Of course, a few minutes later the band realizes that this will affect Dave for the worse and therefore their show for the worse and eventually their income for the worse. So, they all change their minds. "how?" you ask, "Well," I say sensing a captive audience with nothing better to read, "read on."

PAUL AND MARK: Sell tickets for the chance to race unhappy lizards for bits of the bass players clothing and give the profits to a "Find Dave's Cords" charity fund.
KEVIN: Stands in a nearby amusement park and sells tickets for children to ride him when he goes into his violent convulsions. YEE-HAW!
JEFF: Already being scantily clad from Paul and Mark's attempts at making money, Jeff wanders over to the local strip bar and asks for his old job back and announces to everyone that he will fucking shake it for a dollar.

But once again, a few minutes later, the band has a change of heart. The realize that they are already rich and for the time being don't need anymore money. And if the need for more money does come up, they can make a few special apperances/transparent money grabs at some of the finest bowling alleys this country has ever seen. And of course Jeff will always have his job at the local strip club. So they all tell Dave that they will have nothing more to do with his silly little PANTS problems and they go off on their seperate ways to enjoy their new found free time.

But Dave wouldn't give up! Being worried, scared and most of all: horny, he set off to find Jeff, knowing that he was kinder and more reasonable than the rest of the band, crew and management put together on a really good day off in paradise. He also knew that Jeff was somewhat of an expert in the field of abstinence, and if anyone would understand his need for THE PANTS, he would. David found Jeff outside his apartment, digging up one of the major roads, manned by a legion of the undead. He walked over to him. "Jeff!" David called, "Please. I know that if anyone can understand why I need these PANTS, you can. You're kind of a master in this whole forced celibacy thing... How do you live like this? It's killing me... I haven't been laid in sooooo long..." This struck a nerve with Jeff. He knew the sting of abstention, and wouldn't want it to happen to Dave. "I know how you feel." He said sadly, "I'll help you."

They could often be seen together with Jeff snacking on houseflies, working on plans to catch THE PANTS. The next day when they were walking down the street, David and Jeff just happened to see the PANTS. They immediately gave chase, expecting THE PANTS to give up after a few blocks, but they didn't. Both parties gave a strong effort, but THE PANTS managed to outsmart them both by running past a nearby Esso with a frozen burrito bar. THE PANTS knew that Jeff, being the Satan spawn that he is, couldn't pass by this place. Jeff was chasing THE PANTS, but had to stop as soon as the Esso came into view, and David refused to leave him alone. So the two walked back to their houses together, hoping for another chance to trap THE PANTS. Jeff, though, felt secretly like he had let David down, and this upset him. So he made an agreement with his master promising him six shiny new souls in exchange for a plan and another chance to trap THE PANTS...

That night, Jeff came up with a simple plan. They would take a bottle out of the band's Cuervo stash, and use it as bait to lure in THE PANTS. When the PANTS came close enough, David would wrestle them to the ground (He had a lot of practice in the wrestling field, having to do it so many times in those hotels where complimentary breakfast meant wrestling 300 pounds of leather and gristle named Bubba for a coffee stained mug of orange Kool-Aid and half a moldy donut) until he had a chance where he could pull them on.

THE NEXT DAY:
Jeff and David wake in the early morning to try their pathetic luck at catching THE PANTS. Jeff and his master had also agreed on a particular alley where THE PANTS would be walking by to attempt to catch them. They put the bait infront of a cleverly concealed hiding spot and started to wait for THE PANTS. Jeff left to go find the souls he had promised, leaving David alone in the alley. After several hours of the whole "good bait being wasted by sitting stupidly in front of an alley concealing one increasingly horny canadian" nonsense, David remembers that THE PANTS enjoy his singing, and begins to entice THE PANTS in with soft lullabies before seeing them, dragging them into the alley and strangling them with a spare microphone cable.

David wrestled THE PANTS until they could fight no more, then pulled them on triumphantly and went to show his bride, vowing never to take them off again (like he ever did before). When he went back to Sabrina, extremely happy (in more ways than one!) the vow he had made only minutes before was broken, obviously, considering that was the entire reason for THE PANTS search. But this was okay, however because it gave the band a chance to try a reason with THE PANTS to make sure that they would never run away again. They were very stubborn and no decision was reached until Stan walked in. THE PANTS trembled with fear as they were told that this morning the band had run out of coffee and Stan hadn't had any ALL DAY. Seeing the possibilities that this new discovery created, THE PANTS willingly promised to stop these pathetic attempts at running away before Stan got really pissed, and decided to break open a keg of whup-ass.

THE END