The Adventures of THE PANTS At DisneyLand
Here is Impassioned's intro to this fabulous new narrative...
If you enjoy this story, and would like to compliment me, please feel free to email me here at TheArk@rocketmail.com, however, if you did not enjoy this story and feel the need to comment, insult, badger, pester, tempt, taunt or tease me, send any comments you may have
to BiteMe@YouSuck. THHBBBLLT! And I'm warning you, I hate it when you try to put a sticker on my butt... I really hate it...
And so they toured... Once again, our mighty road warriors
find themselves en route to a little known city called Los Angeles to promote their album, inside yet
another potential fiery ball of twisted metal... Unfortunately, as before mentioned, our warriors are
ROAD warriors, and some of them didn't take to well the air...
KEVIN: Runs up and down the
aisles screaming "THIS PLANE HAS BEEN HIJACKED BY A LEGION OF THE UNDEAD!!
CALL THEM OFF JEFF!!! CALL THEM OFF!!!" at passengers for 45 minutes before collapsing
into the fetal postion to worry about his Shop-Vac and twitch silently...
MARK: Mark?? Well...
Mark isn't on this particular flight... He was held up at the airport by an overzealous customs agent
with an amazingly large supply of rubber gloves... *snap*
JEFF: Gazes longingly at the stewardesses
and wonders briefly if he's ever gonna get laid, upon seeing that the answer is clearly no, begins
taking down notes of which passengers souls he can buy and what seat they're sitting in...
PAUL: Asks passengers repeatedly if he's the pretty one in the band and is satisfied that they all answer yes,
completey ingoring that that may have had something to do with the fact that he had them pinned
down to their seats with a drumstick positioned directly above their right eye at the time...
DAVE: A little tired out after becoming the instigator (by telling Kev that the legion of the undead was stowed
safely in the overhead compartment) and starting Kevin's graceful decent into lunancy, he retires to
the bathroom for the rest of the flight to spend some quality time with his PANTS, whispering sweet
nothings into their pockets and stroking them gently yet masculinely to let them know that he cares...
After a few (agonizing for the people who sat near Paul) hours the band touches down in the
charming little town called L.A., picks up their rented van and moves toward their hotel...
EN ROUTE TO THE HOTEL...
Jeff pulls out his junior chemistry set to check out how his
"hyper-contagious, 24 hour (I know it should be day, but I had to change it, ok??), itchin to die" flu
virus is progressing, but after Jeff opens the box he sees, to his horror, that the virus has mutated due
to the Cuervo that Kevin poured on it last night!! Now the virus has gotten drunk and mean and
bears a striking resemblance to Stan, pre-morning coffee, with a hangover, after being the victim of a
practical joke involving several buckets of ice, a roll of duct tape and a not yet determined but
certainly vast amount of "not-water" and losing his flashlight... It's become the kind of virus that makes
grown men's testicles shrink in fear, your skin crawl and small animals cry out in pain... The kind of
virus that would make even the meanest boot camp drill sergant on earth sink to his knees, take
notes and weep in shame...
Now, even angrier that it had been forced into conciousness by jeff, it
shoots out of the box with the all the speed and grace a drunk flu virus could possibly have, ready to
infect any people stupid enough to cross it's path...
VITCIM #1 JEFF: Obviously... Jeff only had to
look at the tour bus to catch a case of the sniffles and cough up half a lung, so the deadly virus,
turning on it's daddy, took advantage of the fact that Jeff's body was already the biological
equivalent of a 4 star hotel for pestilence (hey, I said he was 4 star...) and had little or no fighting
capabilities whatsoever, by making him the first casualty...
VICTIM #2 (almost) STAN: Well, Stan
didn't actually get sick, but the virus DID give him a good long look from the other side of the bus,
and considering how scary Stan is I thought that deserved a mention...
VICTIM #3 GRAEME: the
homme de guerre took the worst case of this bender-flu and was immeadately taken to the filth
ridden hotel where they were staying to be waited on by the sensitive and savagely loyal members of
Moist. The band is very sympathetic (i.e. "Can I get you another tissue Graeme??", or "Can I
massage your burning temples, Graeme?") but this unusual bout of caring and respect for the sanctity
of human life was short-lived...
say... oh... 5 minutes or so... until they realized that 1) they definately
couldn't continue the tour with Graeme in this condition and 2) they were in L.A., land of
semi-automatic weapons and also DISNEYLAND!! So, the band makes the decision that instead
of hunting each other to see who could find their inner warrior first, they would go to the happiest
place on earth, and leave Graeme to fend for himself, justifying this by saying how his convalesence
was a great inconvience to them all and that he didn't deserve to be looked after, leaving Grame to
spend his day retching into the hotels' non-functioning toilet, staring at the walls of his
post-apocolyptic decorated bedroom, and playing the always rousing and fun game of "Hey, what
IS that odour anyway??".
SO THEY GOT READY FOR DISNEYLAND...
Since they were going
out, they had to look extra good... Mark, for example, wriggled into his shiny, new, extra-tight pair
of purple vinyl pants (hey, my story, my fantasy, alright??) to match his favourite accessory, his
purple boa. Dave changed into his other, cleaner more lemony fresh pair of cords, Jeff tried get that
"sexpot" look that he has in the Tangerine video by wearing the same outfit, but pairing it with the red
boa *sniff* *ah-choo!* worn off the shoulder to give himself that sexy, "I'm really not a virgin"
image. Stan attempted very hard to smile, but since his facial muscles were so unused to it he pulled
his jaw and could only muster a menacing grin Cries of "MY F*CKING JAW IS F*UCKING
BROKEN!!! GET ME TO A F*CKING HOSPITAL YOU WORTHLESS PIECES OF SH#T!!"
could be heard for miles. Kevin stopped convulsing and stole some of Dave's hair care products to
make his hair less squid-like, and Paul decided he was pretty enough already and spent the time the
rest of the band used for preening for weight-lifting and making his already buff bod even more
rippled.
AND AFTER 2 HOURS OF DAVE BRUSHING HIS HAIR AND FLOSSING THEY
BEGAN TO MAKE THEIR WAY TOWARDS DISNEYLAND...
After a quick stop at the
doctor's for Stan, and a long stop at the liqour store for some Cuervo for everyone else the band
finally made it to Disneyland... They got Stan in for the senior's admission since you only have to be
65 and Stan is what, 150? 151? and Jeff got in for the children's admission price after the band
managed to convince the ticket girl that a virgin can still be considered a child. As soon as they got
in, everyone took off in different directions to spread a little Moist magic around. They all spent their
days in different and exciting ways...
PAUL: 1:45 ~ Screams of horror from dozens of children are
heard from within Mickey's house. 1:46 ~ An very unhappy looking Mickey Mouse stumbles blindly
out the door trying to pull a very familar looking drum stick out of his eye. 1:47 ~ A very satisfied
and vindictive looking drummer emerges holding only one drum stick yelling "It was not me... It was
the one armed man!!" and speeds off to an unknown hiding spot
STAN: Having given up on smiling,
Stan decides to use his God-given talent of being scary to his advantage. Stan stakes out a comfy
spot infront of the teacups where he can yell nasty things at children and cause a general sense of
fear around the park.
KEVIN: Is too scared to go on the Dumbo ride, but gets up all his courage
and sets off towards the tea-cups, confident that he is ready for this ride... Sadly, he never made it
on... He was getting in line behind the other 6 year olds when Stan, not realizing it was Kevin, began
shouting obsene words and phrases at him. Kevin got scared and burst into tears before running off
to hide beneath the magic bridge to once again curl up into the fetal positon and be consumed by the
paranoia that something has happened to his Shop-Vac for the rest of the day.
MARK: We're not
exactly sure what happened to Mark... Although our sources say he was seen being dragged into the
enchanted castle by Goofy, while Donald Duck followed, snapping on a latex glove...
JEFF: Jeff,
following the advice of his master, loosens all the bolts on the roller coaster Space Mountain, aims
the canons in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride directly at the riders and is finally kicked out of
Disneyland for trying to perform his patented Pearce lapdance for a few unwilling patrons after being
warned to stop his striptease only a few hours before...
DAVID: Since he was wearing the PANTS,
David was surrounded by females for most of the day due to the sexual powers they have. You
could almost see the testosterone aura that enveloped David while they were on... So, wanting to
have a little fun, David (and the dozens of women trailing him) went on to Space Mountain (pre
Jeff-tampering) since any other fun he could have with them all was out of the question... He IS a
happily married man, after all... Anyway, he gets on the roller coaster but forgets just how loose and
low-riding those PANTS are, and does it without the safety of a belt... And predictably, the velocity
of the first drop in the roller coaster rips the enchanted, mystical pants from David's body. David
cried out in horror after realizing that the PANTS and his sex-god status had dissapeared and
instantly, as if awakened from a trance, the women that had followed him onto the rollar coaster
snapped up in their seats and looked around confusedly, because they didn't know why they were
all here, hanging off af a skinny, long-haired, half-a-sissy singer...
David hysterical and almost in tears
got off the ride and staggered towards the entrance (completely oblivious to the fact that he was
naked from the waist down), and screamed at the top of his lungs; "JEEEEEFFFFFF!!! Where are
you?? My PANTS... They're gone again!!!!!!! I need you!!" and then more quietly started sying
things like "Oh god... *sniff* No... NO!!... This is not happening... NOOOO!!" But Jeff couldn't get
back in, and couldn't convince the security guards that he would keep his clothes on (although it
should be noted that while Jeff was being held, he tried to put on his show for the two guards
numerous times, so the guards really couldn't be blamed) But luckily, the other members of Moist
did hear and they all ran towards Dave sputtering out half-sentences and filled with excitement that
they might be the next one into the PANTS...
MEANWHILE...
The PANTS drifted aimlessly along
the park, not of their own will, mind you... The PANTS were no longer capable of walking on their
own after they spoke a few disrespectful words (although we should mention that the ratio of
not-water to thread in the corduroys system was surprisingly high, and may have affected their better
judgement) to Stan a few days ago, who in turn, broke their legs (It should be noted that the ratio of
not-water to blood in Stan's body was perfectly normal.) saying "This hurts me more than it hurts
you... HA HA HA!! NOT! Get over here... *sounds of fists pummeling corduroy*" No... The
PANTS were simply being carried along by the wind, hoping to god that somebody find them and
return them to Dave soon, because Stan was already upset at them and had a tendency to become
rather unstable...
So the PANTS rolled along helplessly, past the pirate ship, past Mr. Toad's wild
ride, past the laser tag building and right into the first storey window where Jeff was being held for
lewd and lascivious conduct and landed right on the table where Jeff was up and at it again... (That
boy just can't contain himself in public, can he??) However he was so shocked to see the PANTS
there and open for the taking that he accidentally hit one of the guards (who were avidly participating
in the whole show now...) in the head while doing that pelvic thrust thing he does while playing his
bass so hard that it knocked the guard unconcious!! (I know there's a joke here somewhere, but I
can't find a way to say it so that it's not too explicit...) The other guard fled the room after seeing this
take place, fearful of his own safety... Jeff looked at the PANTS and started to smile...
AND BACK WITH THE OTHERS...
Dave was now crying uncontrollably and trying to explain to the
others what had happened and in what general direction the PANTS had flown off in... The others
listened attentively and Mark ran to get dave a glass of Cuervo (*squeak* *squeak* *squeak* he
he he... That's the sound of Mark running in his vinyl pants...). As David finished telling his story, he
asked them all; "Please... I need those PANTS... I'm already starting to feel less manly... *sob*
*sniff* And I don't know how much longer I can take this..." The band looked at each other, then
looked at Dave, sitting on the ground at Disneyland, crying pathetically, still naked from the waist
down and fought the urge to kick him in the spleen while he was down as payback for being
molested and tortured at every show... Finally, Paul spoke up saying; "Why is it so hard for you to
just buy a belt, man? I mean, come on!! They're riding around your ankles all the time... They're
falling off accidentally at shows..." "Oh f*ck YOU, Paul!!" Dave replied and looked longingly at the
others... "At least one of you has to help me... Kevin... Think about if it was your Shop-Vac..." "And
all of a sudden Kevin started to twitch and said, "*gasp* What about my Shop-Vac?!?!?! Is
something wrong?!?!?! ANSWER ME!?!" Dave rolled his eyes and looked at Mark, who had since
then returned and said, "Mark, without Jeff you are my last hope... please... right now think about how you
would feel if some depraved, twisted PANTS minion named Impassioned came up to you and
ripped off those vinyl pants of yours!! How would you feel then??" Mark replied "Well, if it was
IMPASSIONED... Then I'd be happy..." and he spaced out going into his favourite reoccuring
fantasy about the twisted minion... "ARGH!!" Dave screamed!! Without Jeff I'll never find them... I
can't do it on my own... "JEFF!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!?! Alright Stan... Think of this... If I don't
get these PANTS then I lose my sexgod powers, and without the powers, many girls that bought our
album and went to our concerts before, won't be there, which eventually means that we are all going
to lose money!!!" Now this intrigued the band (even Mark, who begrudgingly snapped out of his
daydream) and they all went crazy, considering that if they could never get the PANTS, then they
could never attempt to get any more money... EVER!! So they all took off in different directions to
search for the PANTS...
BACK WHERE JEFF WAS...
Jeff walked over to the sacred PANTS
and felt the material... And at once could feel the power seep into his fingers... He was entranced,
and was just about to put on the PANTS when his mind turned to thoughts of his friend Dave...
How would David go on without his PANTS?? This thought quickly subsided though as a more
enjoyable thought came into his head... WOMEN!! Soon he could have all the women in the world
line up outside his door begging for the chance to look at him... And this turned Jeff into A
power-crazed maniac. He pulled on the PANTS and was overjoyed until... "There he is!!!!!!" Paul
yelled!! "Get him!! Get him!!!" And the rest of the band and Stan rushed through the doorway ready
to use any force necessary to get those PANTS and their money back. Jeff, being smarter than the
average bear, whipped off the PANTS and ran, naked from the waist down (not like he cared... he
did this for a living a few years ago...) towards the safety of the bus... But Dave, caught up with him
(btw, if you were wondering, no, Dave didn't have his PANTS back yet) and told him to sleep with
one eye open for the rest of his days, because one day he would get his revenge...
But that, my
fellow readers, is another story all together, and one that you will just have to wait for...
