The Thievery of The Purple Boa & Assorted Mayhem
he he he...still laughing about this one guys...this is the first and so far only BOA narrative, written by the incomparable Impatient...this is her take on what might lie ahead at the show in Sherbrooke for THE PANTS/BOA Mistress and her minions...he he he :)
As soon as the loud incessant buzzing of the alarm clock/food
processor/blow dryer rang through Moist's tour bus, Mark Makowy,
guitarist and fly swatter extraordinaire, sat straight up in bed, a
wide, slightly maniacal, grin spread across his face. He leaned over the
edge of his bunk, whispering "Kevin, wake up! It's today!", to which the
spasmodic keyboardist replied, mumbling something that vaguely resembled
"Oh no! The Shop-Vac!"
Mark, exasperated with Kevin's recurring nightmare, hopped
out of bed, and grabbed a bag of coffee grind and a premium bottle of
"not-water" from the band's supply.
As soon as the seals were broken, all the other band members
awoke from their near comatic slumbers. Stan, the Master of the
original black boa, ripped the bag of coffee from Mark's hands rather
savagely, and disappeared somewhere in the back of the bus.
Dave frantically searched the bus, looking for his precious
PANTS, soon realizing (but only after Paul pointed it out) that he was
already wearing them. Heaving a sigh of relief, he collapsed onto the
miniature table, landing in Jeff's cereal.
Kevin stumbled in, obviously triumphant over the Shop-Vac once
again. "So, where are we playing today?" Paul asked, a bit too
cheerfully for seven AM. Mark answered him with all the enthusiasm of a six year old on Christmas morning. "Sherbrooke! How could you forget? Today is the day! Today I have been chosen! TODAY, I receive my purple feather boa from the enchanting PANTS Mistress, Jaded!"
Kevin and Paul shot him irritated glances, as Mark insisted upon
dancing and humming and singing most of the morning. Dave didn't awake
until sometime after eleven, and then retreated to the bathroom for a
few hours of quality time with his hairbrush and dental floss.
Jeff sat in the corner with a vengeful looking on his face,
slowly stroking his red feather boa (to which he is allergic....achoo!)
Several hours, and just as many bad jokes from "The Pretty One",
later, our fearless travelers arrived in Sherbrooke, eagerly jumping off
the bus to claim their territory. Instantly, they recognized two young
women, one with a purple boa slung seductively around her neck. At the
sight of this, Mark's face lit up like an all night Esso station sign,
while Jeff admired the beautiful feathers of this new sacrifice, vowing
that it would eventually be his.
The two women approached the band, followed by seven or eight
other girls, whom the perceptive musicians recognized to be about one
third of this mysterious clan of PANTS Minions. All their instincts told the men to run while they still could, but something held them back....it was the boa.
Suddenly, out of no where, a private helicopter landed between
the two groups, and a sheepish, half smiling, unsure, yet still quite
IMPATIENT young woman stepped out. Dave's legs moved involuntarily towards this new figure, undoubtedly because she was sporting a beautifully worn pair of blue cords. The rest of the band followed, and Jaded ran to her
daughter to welcome her to her second Moist concert.
Brief introductions were made, and then the band was whisked
away by for the sound check by Stan; no one argued.
The eleven respected fans took their places, front row center,
and waited for the concert to begin.
Moist walked on stage, and broke into Tangerine. Mark smiled the
entire time at Jaded, who seemed to be teasing him with the boa. As soon
as the song was over, Mark delayed the next song by jumping off the
stage to claim his boa. He crawled back on stage rather awkwardly, and
hoisted the purple fluff above his head triumphantly. Then he wrapped it
around his neck, giving the rest of the band the okay to continue.
Revidescent couldn't help but notice the jealous looks Jeff kept
shooting at Mark, and was concerned. This continued for the whole show,
and after two stunning encores, when the concert finally ended, she
informed her companions of the apparent misgivings between bassist and
guitarist.
Jaded and Embittered, accompanied by Squidgirl, worked their
charm on the body guards once again, and made it backstage just in time
to warn Mark. He laughed it off, protesting that Jeff already had a
gorgeous red boa, and no use for a purple one. The three shot each other
dubious glances and offered to stick around to keep an eye on the
precious third boa. Mark thanked them, and paced off to confront Jeff
with the girls wild accusations. While Jaded and Embittered stayed to
protect the boa, Squidy ran off to gather ALL the minions from all
corner of the nation. Safety in numbers.
When Violated arrived, she had to remind Paul who she was, but
the gathering of the forces went rather uneventfully, and all twenty two
minions set in to guard the sacred purple boa.
MEANWHILE......
"Jeff, these girls say you're planning on stealing my boa. How
ridiculous is that?" Mark asked, laughing. "What?! How could they have kno...oh....yeah....pretty damn
incredible...Where do they come up with this stuff? Sheesh...." Jeff
answered pathetically. "Oh! Did you hear that? Better go check it out
Mark! Maybe Kevin's trying to steal it!"
Alert, Mark spun around, ready to rescue his new accessory, when
he was take off guard, and shoved into the tiny broom closet on the bus,
reminding him very much of the ever so popular game of
"how-much-guitarist-can-we-shove-through-the-tiny-triangle-
window-on-the-van-before-he-loses-consciousness?" of a few years back.
Cackling evilly, Jeff stalked off to claim the splendid purple
boa.
He arrived at what had become known as "The Boa Protection
Headquarters" over the course of the night, to find all twenty two
minions, plus a bald man that suspiciously resembled their drummer, all
passed out from what appeared to be undetermined, yet undoubtedly vast
quantities of "not-water", all courtesy of our very own Dr.Cuervo.
Snickering like an evil villain, Jeff plucked the boa from the
speaker, and all too easily, returned to the bus, and fell asleep,
clutching the purple boa.
He awoke the next morning to Mark incredulously shrieking that
his boa had been stolen. Twenty one minions, and one drummer sat in the
corner, looking sad and guilty, making puppy dog eyes and "I'm so sorry"
faces at Mark at every chance they got. He ignored them.
Kevin and Dave sat in the corner, chatting with Impatient (hey,
it's my story! )
Jeff stumbled out of his bunk, quickly shoving the boa into his
drawer and locking it. As soon as he entered the living area of the bus,
all conversation stopped, and all eyes looked accusingly at him. "What?!" he asked innocently, giving his best "I just woke up. I
don't know. Don't piss me off" look. Mark lunged for the bassist, but was quickly intercepted by Zealous, who lured him away with a pretty pair of leather pants.
Jaded strutted right up to Jeff, looking him straight in the
eye, and whispered "Where'd you stash it?" Jeff looked away shamefully, and said defeatedly, "My drawer". He offered her the keys, knowing there was no way to outsmart the cunning PANTS Mistress and her loyal Minions. She snatched it away and walked purposefully towards the bunk. She slowly pulled out the boa, gave Jeff a disappointed look, and returned the boa to an ecstatic Mark.
She promised that if Jeff was good, he might get his very own
purple boa some day, but only time would tell.
So the moral of this story, my friends, is "Never take Mark's
boa. He doesn't like it." Words to live by.
