Well, it was just too close to call...Impassioned's entry was amazing, so she earns the title of runner-up! Here is her wicked entry...
IS THAT CAR FROM QUEBEC?
No. That is a tiny, shoddy American made vehicle, which at the moment
is home to: Jeff Pearce (Moral indegnation and instigator of the "get 9
lapdances and the 10th one's free" idea), Mark Makoway (Master of latex
and drooling flyswatter extraordinaire), Kevin Young (violent convulsions and activist for the rights of Shop-Vacs everywhere), Paul Wilcox(amazing lack of proof of his involvement in drumstick related injuries and cruel jokes disguised as self-less humanitarian gestures involving the afore mentioned drumsticks), David Usher (Pretty boy and inventor of the "Dave Dance" [*thrash* *convulse* *jump* *abuse other members* *falloff stage*]), Stan Wardle (*waving flashlight menacingly* WHY THE F*CK IS EVERYONE SO F*CKING AFRAID OF ME?!!?!? I'M A PERFECTLY F*CKING CALM AND MELLOW GUY!!!) as well as 5 feather boas, 2 pairs of blue cords, 4000 complimentary cough drops, 1 too many sips from an unmarked black bottle, dinner for 5 and 6 conflicting opinions of whether the PANTS family is merely depraved and obsessed or completely insane and in serious need of mental help, as if the answer to that isn't obvious.
WHAT'S IN THAT FIELD?
At the moment, that field and all those privledged enough to be in it
are being entertained by a free show of Jeff's Modern/Lap/Exotic Dancing
skills. There is really no telling why Jeff chose that particular
field, however, it can be assumed that he just couldn't resist the urges
any longer, (much in the same way Jaded couldn't resist the urges to rub
Paul's head...) or perhaps he was in need of some quick cash. However,
the second opinion is not considered to be correct, as he was offered a
few weeks ago a large sum of money by the IceCapades for the permission
to start an ice-show based on Jeff's outstanding preformances at local
strip clubs called "Jeff: Pelvic Thrusts on Ice" and there was also talk
of a feature Disney cartoon (titles considered were "The Pelvic King" or
"The Pelvis of Notre Dame") but both offers were refused. Perhaps Jeff
wants to keep his dancing innocent and small town, instead of letting it
get turned into something that could be considered dirty or sleazy (how
could exotic dancing be considered that? I ask you!) after being changed
by big-time producers in Hollywood.
ARE THOSE PURPLE LUPINS?
Around Jeff's neck you mean?? No... Although Jeff has been seen to
incorporate purple lupins into his "nature dance" occasionally, today he
seems to be wearing a rather familar looking purple boa... There is a
nasty rumour that that paricular boa was stolen from his friend and
band-mate Mark Makoway, although Jeff does have his own red boa, he said
something about preferring purple. It has also been heard, that this
morning, while Mark was stroking his beautiful boa and thinking of
Jaded, Jeff burst into his room and grabbed it out of his hands and ran
as if Stan himself were after him... But, these are just rumours and it
can't be said if there is any truth to them... Although I wouldn't put
anything past Jeff... His moral judgement has become increasingly
unreliable...
WHERE ARE STAN'S NUTS?
Stan's nuts were placed under the watchful eye of Kevin Young. He was
trusted with keeping his nuts safe until they could be given to Stan
when they met up with him again (Stan was on vacation where he spent his
time scaring children and small animals). Unfortunately, the temptation
was too much for Kevin, and Paul Wilcox looked on while his band-mate
slyly took one of Stan's nuts and put it in his mouth. However, instead
of the beating that should have insued, Paul, weilding a harmful looking
drumstick, threatened Kevin, wanting a piece of the action, so, Kevin,
not being stupid, let him in on the deal and Paul helped himself to one
of Stan's nuts too. However, the entire operation was being followed
closely by Mark Makoway, who suddenly started to fear the chances of a
cavity search from Stan, if he learned that someone has taken his nuts,
who would undoubtedly be much rougher than the border guards and might
even find a way to incorporate that flashlight of his. So, Mark, in a
flood of panic, ran over to the table that held the nuts and, drooling,
picked them up and hid them in a safe place for Stan.
WHAT IS PINK OF PAUL'S?
Er...Okay, there was a particularly explicit answer for this question
that i found disgusting and yet terribly amusing at the same time that I
was going to put down, however thanks to the foresight of a very good
friend, I realized that Paul could read this page anytime he felt like
it, and perhaps that answer wasn't a really good idea...he he he...So,
I'll regretfully decline putting that answer down, and answer with a
clean, wholesome answer (his sparkly pink boa) although you all probably
have a very good idea of the original answer by now anyway...