Jaded and not so secretly Embittered Fans on the Road

1. Under no circumstances should Jaded's parents (the anal retentive pair who will not allow 19-year-old Jaded to drive the car anywhere that involves the dreaded highway - assuming they might find her scattered by it one day) hereafter known as directionally-challenged and more-directionally-challenged, be allowed to try and find the venue/city/province/country on their own. This certainly adds excitement to the trip, however, Jaded is worried one day they might end up in Detroit with nothing but a bottle of Cuervo and directions from David and Mark.
   
   
2. Also on the subject of Jaded's parents...pay no attention to Jaded's Dad calling Jaded's Mom a "dickhead"...unless you are considered company, because Mrs. D. Challenged is constantly reprimanding Mr. D. Challenged for "calling her a dickhead in front of company". We can only assume it is alright for him to call her dickhead in private...but after all, that is none of our business.
   
   
3. On the subject of dickheads...a particularly fun game Jaded and Embittered have discovered is rather than listening to Directionally Challenged's one word term for everybody who happens to cross him while on the road, since Moist is on the stereo anyway (of course), why not sing insults at nasty drivers to the tune of popular moist ditties...ie. I'll leave YOU scattered by the highwayside you f!@#$r!...or...precious little p!@#k beaten senseless 'till you bleed all over your leather interior...or even...my f!@#$n' Intrepid's pretty dangerous, and i'll stick it anyplace I please...try it! It can provide hours of enjoyment.
   
   
4. On the subject of Moist games...this one was invented by J & E while at the Neil Young/Moist show in the hammer last Halloween after a weirdo at McD's told Jaded there were drugs in her McChicken right before the show. It started out as the Keith Richards Breakfast (for all you moistlings, he is the guitarist for the Rolling Stones and if anybody wants to get high you'll have to wait 'till Keith dies and smoke his ashes), you know Egg McMORPHINE, HASH browns, POTcakes, large COKE. Well for some reason, maybe it was the crack, we decided it would be pretty funny to substitute the word "crack" for words in the titles of moist songs. Yes, I know, a lot of the songs would just be "Crack", but there are a lot of good ones too..."Crack Me","Kill for Crack", "Break Her Crack" (ok, not nice), "This Shrieking Crack", "Low Low Crack" (sorry Dave, i just had too), "Theme From Crack" (like it isn't already), and the ever popular "Disco Crack" and "Better Than Crack". There are lots of variations on this game, like substituting different words (it's best if the word is a noun and a verb) or using song lyrics instead of titles...anyway, this can provide days of appendix-rupturing laughter.
   
   
5. On the subject of even more fun in the car...play the "let's pretend we're David and Jeff" game. This was invented on the way to Waterloo, J & E were suitably wasted from the show the night before in London and thought it would be fun to sing the live versions of the songs, in this case particularly "Resurrection" with Jaded patheticly attempting to sing David's part and Embittered succeeding quite well at Jeff's part. I know what you are saying...why is this fun? Well, it can become particularly enjoyable if you sing really loud and off-key in an attempt to piss off Directionally Challenged enough so he will stop babbling and just drive (or at least you can drown him out)...on a related note...also fun is taping "Fuck You Paul" from the Fan Club CD, rolling down your windows at a stoplight, and cranking it as high as it will go!
   
   
6. Always stop at Burger King on the way to a Moist show...I can't say why...it's just important. Besides a trip to BK can be fun too. J & E actually discovered one day that (and be sure to file this under "things that should be read while the X-files theme is playing") are you ready...Two whoppers (with everything) side by side are very much the same size as David Ushers behind! No Kidding. Try it yourself sometime. It is seriously shocking!
   
   
7. If you happen to sneak into the venue before the show starts, act like you're supposed to be there. It works surprisingly well! People will just ignore you and think that there is a reason why you are standing there nonchalantly discussing the politics of NDP vs. Liberal and why Reform sucks. If you happen to be present for the Moist soundcheck and you hear a particularly irritating roadie banging the hell out of Paul's drums with seemingly no rhythm and an obsession with ear-splitting volume here's a tip...It's not a roadie...It's Paul. Likewise if you here something that sounds like a disjointed and rather misplaced shriek of "Tangerine", it's just Jeff practising his part of the song. Alone. Are you too good for soundchecks Dave? (Although J & E still think it is reprehensible that Jeff actually sings "Cracked the cock into the socket". It's just wrong!).
   
   
8. Make Friends...Lots of Friends...Always talk to the people that are waiting outside with you to get into the show, or people around you waiting for the show to start. It helps the time pass, you usually get to hear lots of funny stories, and it makes people want to hurt you less (usually) to get to the band. It's not that J & E are not nice, but they aren't stupid when it comes to the politics of keeping all of their appendages attached (ok, except for Jaded - but thanks for your concern Jeff). Also make friends with the bouncers and/or security. Let me intimate what this has done for J & E. Hamilton - inside info on the band, earplugs, water, personal bouncer protecting J & E from falling debris (ie. bodies)...St. Catherines - ok, bouncers of no use, but definitely a comment on why to make friends with the merch-guy...London - polite conversation on politics of Canadian football (go Tiger-cats), water, personal bouncer for J & E...Waterloo - inside info on "song #3", bouncers not too hard on the eyes, personal bouncer each for J & E. Do you see a pattern developing here? Even with all of this personal attention J & E have had their share of Moist-related injuries but a muscular security-god has never been far away...
   
   
9. A word (or two) on clothing...no this is not another crack (ha ha) about Dave's Blue Cords. We're talking about your own personal clothing, and in specific keeping it on you and in one piece. Advice - good luck! J & E have not experienced a show where an item of clothing was not mangled or nearly ripped off them. If you are particularly attached to a certain item...don't wear it. No shirts with buttons...these will become projectiles and once you've lost your buttons there is nothing to keep that shirt on. Belts are important...J & E have heard more than one story of pants falling down at shows...not a good thing. Any clothes that you don't want...bring them. Yes, you can donate them to Moist. Clothing is readily accepted in any size, shirts, pants, etc. although David's opinion on shoes seems to differ from show to show. David doesn't seems to mind bras either, provided they are his size (which he checks for of course) and he looked quite chic parading around in London with someone's bra on. Jaded's opinion...Pants...Pants for Dave...Any Pants...Not Blue Pants...Not Cords...One pair of pants per person per show...that will teach him...
   
   
10. DOs and DON'Ts at the show:
    • In general Paul and Kevin can't hear you (J & E know, they have tried) - DON'T blame them, Paul is sooooo far away and Kevin, well Kevin's really into playing.
    • Mark seems to be hearing impaired on stage. He cannot hear you, or doesn't want to acknowledge you (or maybe it's just us). J & E have confronted Mark about this...no comment. DON'T bother...Just be happy with whatever Mark you can get.
    • Jeff is a total sweetheart. Jeff is not deaf yet. Jeff will answer your pleas, Jeff will make a little pouty "I'm sorry" kind of face when he knows you are in pain, Jeff will say Hi to you when you scream his name, Jeff is not jaded by fame, We love Jeff. DO shriek for Jeff.
    • David, David, David. David usually answers. In fact J & E have had conversations with David during performances. However, David does not answer your pleas, David does not crowd-surf in the centre when you are there, David does not let Jeff crowd-surf for the very first time in your section of the crowd, David does not give you Mark or Paul as a sacrifice when you ask, David does not molest Mark on command, David does not enjoy you imitating him even if you're only doing it for fun, David flips you off when you do this, David is a bitter guy...(sorry, was that whole thing J & E slipping into bitterness again?) But...DO goad David into spite...after all, being able to say "David Usher hates me and so I go to shows to irritate him" gives you a newfound reason to go to shows.
    • DO NOT under any circumstances bother Stan (tour manager and mother figure as well as sucker-extraordinare). Stan has more power in his little finger...J & E have had this experience...DO NOT be stupid...DO NOT make this mistake...Just enjoy Stan and his harmonica...DO cheer for Stan when he's on stage.
    • Have Fun, take care of each other, take care of David (although David seems to only care about crowd-surfers getting hurt and not the people in the front row getting these people on the head!) but take care of David anyway...even though J & E are bitter, they take care of him...they have seen him dropped on his face...Jaded has had to help him back on stage...it's not a pretty thing.