MOIST ONE - Fall 1993



the long awaited newsletter...

and I thought it was all a bad dream...

Hey, remember three months ago you were at this bar and there was some sweaty guy waving a purple sticker in your face, talking way too quickly, weaving and jumping up and down simultaneously and you were wondering whether to spend your last five bucks at the bar or to try and get some of whatever he's taken, because if it has gotten him that riled up over a sticker, imagine what it would do for someone with a real life, and before you could decide, you were wearing that same sticker on your forehead and holding a funny looking T-shirt and signing a MOIST mailing list and you knew that if you misspelt your name it was your fault for operating heavy machinery while in an altered state of consciousness, cause at 3am after that much music, dancing, and mystery shooter specials, plus some of whatever the sweaty guy had taken, an ordinary ball point pen is as difficult to operate as a bulldozer, as dangerous as an angry lawn mower and as complicated as one of those combination food processor/clock radio/ telephone/dog neutering machines that you get with your subscription to life magazine.

If you can picture being crammed into a small van with that same sweaty guy sleeping on your shoulder and four other sweaty guys making you feel like you just woke up at the bottom of a Vancouver Canucks laundry bin, and one of them is spouting Marxist politics and all you really want to say is shut the hell up or else I'm going to slap you silly you half a sissy and heaven is an Esso with a frozen burrito bar, then you'd be interested in MOIST travel tips and accumulated road wisdom...

MOIST travel tips and other accumulated road wisdom

Beginning with the West...
The roller coaster at the West Edmonton mall is worth the trip. However, stay away from the giant wave pool, because no matter where you stand you'll be accosted by a three hundred pound accountant named Barney with his butt hanging out of his speedo, bitching about the state of the music industry as a whole except of course for Alice Cooper and April Wine who were "women of vision".

On to Banff...
Those big dogs...aren't dogs. They are elk. They will stomp on your head and steal your car if you try to feed, pet, play, pester, polish, badger, tempt, taunt or tamper with them. And they hate it when you try to put a sticker on one's butt. They really hate it.

The Prairies...
Mark: "Sure is hot."
Dave: "Sure is."
Kevin "Yep."
Jeff: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Paul: "Watch yer dog run away for three days. Watch yer dog run away for three days. Watch yer dog..."
Mark: "Sure is hot."


Manitoba...
Tornadoes are even less friendly than elk.

Ontario...
The highlight of the trip to Ontario was the first annual Muskoka Cheesefest, a musical performance competition to determine who knows the cheesiest music. This was a hotly contested affair held on the brie-sy Rebecca Lake near Algonquin Park with drummer Paul (Gouda) Wilcox taking the coveted Cheddar Crown over the always strong Jeff (Parmesan) Pearce, thus setting the stage for the winter Limburger Classic. The winning blow was a stunning rendition of the Oscar Meyer wiener jingle, which even a particularly smelly version of Air Supply's "All out of Love" could not beat.

Bienvenue, Quebec...
Two things to remember... Montreal is a great place to party, and the Quebec provincial police are meaner than Manitoba tornadoes, and nearly as predictable. And they hate it when you try to put a sticker on one's butt. They really hate it.

Detroit...
The only stop of the tour where guns are more common than 5% beer. Getting lost in Detroit, in your van, in the daytime is stupid enough. But Dave and Mark liked it so much they decided to try again. At night. Without a car, relying on a bottle of tequila and directions from the locals. It's so much more challenging that way.

And then they drove...
"If we crash, they'll be taking us out of the van with a Shop-Vac and a hose."

And drove...
"Hey! Isn't the truck from Deliverance!"

And drove...
"DO you know any REO Speedwagon?"

And drove...
"What are you lookin' at?"

And drove...
"You smellin' yo upper lip."

And drove...
55 hours straight from Detroit to Vancouver. All the way home.

MOIST AND WHAT THE HELL WEVE BEEN DOING SINCE WE SAW YOU LAST

Playing local shows, writing and recording new material, filming a video, being happy to be home, getting sick of being home, planning our next tour which begins in the end of November.