Ways To Get Back at David

You've noticed we keep urging you to fight back, right? Well, here are some handy tips on how this might be accomplished (with maximum emotional scars but minimum physical ones...most of the time).

1. Replace David's "Learn French While You Sleep" cassette tape with "The Best Of Michael Bolton"
2. Hide David's Blue Cords right before the show...as well as any other pants he may have in his possession (ya like David has other pants)
3. When David leans over to "tease" the crowd...kick his little arse into the 26th row. That will teach the little bugger a lesson.
4. Replace David's tequila with 96% Polish spirits. Dave will be middle-aged before he recovers from the alcohol induced semi-coma.
5. Replace contents of a bottle of Cuervo with rubbing alcohol (oh, nevermind he probably wouldn't notice). Replace contents of said bottle with a little "piss and vinegar".
6. Kevin (master of misinformation) - this seems like a job for you...PART A - gather a mob of shrieking jailbait and inform them how much Dave loves to be molested. PART B - kindly point David in the direction of the "catering".
7. Awaken Stan from a deep stress-induced slumber on his "day off". This would be much like awakening a particularly nasty T-Rex. Blame David...need we say more?
8. Tell Stan Dave stole his coffee
9. Tell Stan Dave is his coffee
10. Tell Paul Dave really needs a hug
11. Tell Dave Paul really needs a hug
12. Inform David that (oops!) you've misplaced his hairbrush, and that you are miles from any kind of beauty-supply outlet. Warning! This may cause you some discomfort ie. sounds of fists pummeling flesh.
13. Inform David that when appearing in Hamilton, ON, the natives find it particularly insulting not to go onstage stark raving naked. (By the way...WE DO).
14. You've heard of Jaded & Embittered (aka Sarah and Kate)...let them imitate Dave's posing, preening, and gesturing until he goes completely out of his mind (hey, there's a short trip)...Actually, E does a great impression of Mark...
15. "Accidentaly" lose him in a particularily volitile herd of Banff elk with stickers on their butts.
16. Jeff burns The Pants in a sacrificial ritual