i have greenish eyes.
once a guy tried to pick a verbal fight w/ me over the color of my eyes
he said they were brown.
they're on my face, ya know?
they're green
AND brown
and blue
swirled..or something.
i'm a tall girl.
sometimes i wish i weren't
sometimes i wish i was a short, skinny, pre-adolescent looking girl
i guess this is me, though.
i have very short hair
a friend of mine calls me Butch
some people that don't know me have asked if i'm a lesbian
NO
i work at wal-mart
it's unfun, most of time
sometimes it's flattering and sweet for me to be there
one of my shift managers, sharon, loves me
she's tall and has big blonde hair and a baby grandson she loves too
she wears reddish lipstick and laughs a lot
she always smiles when she sees me
she says i'm the funniest person she knows
sharon's on my list of favorite people in the whole world
she calls me meggie, after a character in some book she read that she loved
i stand hour after hour at a counter
my feet hurt a lot
my patience wears down to a piece of string a lot
my mouth slips out nasty words in frustration a lot
wal-mart.
i'm almost 18 years old
EIGHTEEN!
can you believe it?
me neither!
my body, my shell, my carcass looks 18
my soul, my being, ME...feels 12
life is coming too fast for me to hold onto w/out falling off on my face
i'm afraid
i think, i'm afraid of lots of things
ice
college
cigarettes
sex
chicago
reality
diet pills
old pictures
bugs
meth
girls that look like me
being alone
being *with* someone for too long
vodka
honesty
me
i think i'm afraid of me the most
i listen to lots of music
lately i listen to music that makes me cry and remember things i'm better
off forgetting
third eye blind, fleming and john, counting crows, theCure
valentine's day is two days from today.
i don't feel sad
i bought myself a rose tonight.
because, i think, i'm ok with me
so i should reward myself for coming to acceptance of myself
i know that doesn't make any sense
but i did it anyway
i'm a vegetarian - 
MOST of the time
sometimes i eat turkey or a subway sandwich
or a chicken taco in waukeegan with aaron 
when i eat meat, i get sick to my stomach.
i guess that's the punishment
or something like that
a couple months ago i went to chicago all alone
i felt old and amazing
really!
it was so cool
the plane alone
the chauferred car alone
everything.  
a friend of mine means more than he should know
he picked me up from a college and took me back to the airport so i could go home
we laughed and talked and looked at each other for 2 hours
that's my favorite memory of him
november and his blue eyes and laughing as he lit another cigarette 
his erratic driving and long fingers and him singing radiohead in a falsetto voice with me
i depend on him
he says i'm the only one he trusts
i don't know what i think of that
i want to make a movie of that day sometime
he says he does too
so i think we will someday
i like elliot smith
he makes me cry and touches something in me that only i could 
until now
i think he must know me
jude is the same way. 
whiny and sweet
nice and mouthy
sorta like me
i dated a friend of mine a while back
it was a dumb thing for us to do
we thought we knew each other, 
but we really didn't
i feel bad about how things ended and how things are going now
he's going to an art school in chicago
so we'll be near each other
i'm not sure how i feel about that
there's this girl i know of more than know
alea
she's awesome
she and i could be so cool in a band together 
we've talked about it
but she's at a different place in her life than i am
i think she wants different things
but i still love her to bits
she's creative
she has her nose pierced and spikey hair like mine
her hair is usually every color but what God gave her
now it's dark brown, like it should be
she works at subway and dreams of new york and seattle
she's so cool
i don't have many friends
i've got lots of social friendlike people in my life
but only 3 or 4 real friends
i don't know how i feel about that
secure in me 
secure in the shelter of their wings
i think i shelter them with my wings too
i have a friend that i love so much
i think we should have dated, if things would have been different
he's so cool
he loves the beatles and can do a perfect british accent
we want to run off together and do stupid gen x stuff
he got his lip pierced a couple weeks ago
it looks good on him
i still want to get my tongue pierced
this summer, alyssa and i are getting matching tattoos
we want to, but i don't think we will
we want a significant way to make sure our friendship lasts forever
so we want tattoos.
i have lots of candles in my room
it looks like i could hold a seance
but i won't
i've already done stuff like that
it's stupid
i'll never do it again
i was younger and pulled under by the seductive way the underworld sucks you in
i only wear black nailpolish
not because i want be goth
or because i dyed my hair black
just because. 
i like it
i paint
a lot
i paint clay flower pots
once i watercolored a sunset and sent it to abe's mom
(she loves me,and that makes me feel so warm - the person that MADE abe loves me..)
last week i painted a picture of me
i don't know how to draw, however
it's messy and cartoony
it's me
i don't remember painting it
i was sorta manic that night
i do that a lot
paint stuff or write stuff
and not remember what i just painted or wrote
the next day
or even, in a few hours
that sorta scares me
i went to cornerstone last summer
if i concentrate, i can make myself cry from the memories
but i don't want to now
it was beautiful
enlightening
and surreal
i loved it
there's nothing i'd rather have been doing then
alyssa went to europe
i only went to illinois
but i'd rather have gone to lowly illinois than france
no, really!
i didn't get sunburned
 or even mosquito bitten
i got love
acceptance
and sat, mesmerized by the amazing concept that cornerstone is
i wouldn't have traded that week for all the tea in china
it brought myself closer to a group of friends i went with, and them closer to me
we all have an indescribable bond now
how cool is that?
i want an acoustic guitar
it i had one, i'd like to play by myself at a coffeehouse
i'll get one sometime
i'll play at a coffeehouse, mark my words
i like to sing
alyssa opera sings
so do i, but not as good
i have a new friend
she and i used to be friends before we were who we are now
she goes to a strange church
i used to have an issue with her
i used to be resentful
that got me no where but more upset and resentful
the sore that was created, just got picked at by me all the time
i don't regret it, though
we needed almost 2 years apart to see who we are now.  
and how we can still be friends, but as different people now
smart move on our part, i think
i have a friend who smokes pot
pot scares me
he scares me by doing that
i don't smoke pot
i've never smoked pot
i'm painfully innocent
i'm not apologising for that, however
iowa is boring
corn isn't interesting
soon i'm leaving
sooner than soon has ever meant before
months, days, nearing closer
chicago, here i come
i'm excited.
a new chapter in my life will begin. 
i'm at the end of the twisted novel of me
the new book will start to be written
i'll take notes, ok?