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14 WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE

1. Your wife packs a condom in your lunch bag.

2. When your wife says, "We had sex last month, Pervert!"

3. When you hear, "Oh Bill, hurt me, baby!" and your name is Dave.

4. When your wife's closest girl friend rides a Harley and
subscribes to "Succulent Kitten" Magazine.

5. When your toy poodle starts to growl every time you hug your wife.

6. When your Pit Bull stops barking at the mailman.

7. When you call for the phone company and the repairman skids to a
stop in front of your house 3 minutes later.

8. When the pizza man shows up with a hard on.

9. When the gardener demands to know what you're doing home on a
Tuesday.

10. When your kids starts calling the butcher uncle Wolfgang.

11. When your wife's "back massager" feels like real skin, and has
protruding veins on it.

12. When your wife tries to explain away her frequent headaches by
telling you it's brain cancer.

13. When you wake up to find your wife standing over you with a pair
of heavy-duty hedge clippers.

14. When you're invited to attend "What a bummer!" day on the Rickie
Lake Show.
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COUNSELING

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The
pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs
Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See
that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"

John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her
over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

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DISAGREE

Husband: We have been married five years and haven't agreed on a
thing.

Wife: You're wrong again. It has been six years.

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MARRIAGE

What do marriage and a hurricane have in common?

At first there's a lot of sucking and blowing going on, and the next
thing you know, your house and car are gone.