THINGS THAT BOTHER ME:

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there
has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must
have been something before it.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV
remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.

The Norwich Life commercial where the old fart answers the phone, says
hello and then immediately tells his wife "It's Patrick! He bought life
insurance!" Excuse me? How did Patrick find the time to tell you this?
You barely breathed between "Hello" and "It's Patrick". And why the hell
do you have big sheets of bristol board and thick markers by the phone? Do
you people play pictionary over the phone often?

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F**k
off. What good is a goddam cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone
else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who
and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I
paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What
did you come here for?

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink
and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr.
Healey. You're blind for god's sake!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice,
did ya there buddy?

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my
watch is buddy, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the bathroom is?