Aleck's CornNuts Flashback
At 10:48 PM 8/23/97 -0500, Danse Macabre wrote:
Man, what's all this shit about oatmeal and cereal?
Aleck, in true fashion, responded:
Ahhhh, that's not shit about your oatmeal and cereal, it's CORNNUTS!!! (they
do, at times, look quite a bit like rabbit shit)
See, the cornnuts *know* that breakfast is the most important meal of the
day, and they try and *dissuade* you from eating your cereal and/or oatmeal
(a healthy part of any balanced breakfast) by hanging about the cereal boxes
and trying to look, for all purposes, like rodentile excrement (or, to use
layman's terms, "shit"). By weakening us all, they know that they can win,
and overpower us, and they know that the best time to attack is when we're
tired and groggy, and by keeping us from a healthy breakfast, they can
*keep* us tired and groggy!
PEOPLE!!! STAND UP AND ***FIGHT***!!!! WE MUST KEEP A WATCHFUL EYE ON THE
CORNNUTS AT ALL TIMES!!! WE WILL FIGHT THEM ON THE LAND, WE WILL FIGHT THEM
ON THE SEA, WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THE AIR, WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!!!!
Fourteen minutes later (about the time it took to type this), Aleck was back with:
Oh, the ordeal of the cornnuts goes back much further than you realize...
It all started back when I was a little kid, and I went on a cross-country
drive with my parents, and we got into this accident and skidded off the
road into a snowbank, and I woke up and couldn't get them to wake up at all,
and I kept trying to wake them up because I was hungry and couldn't get to
the picnic basket in the trunk because the snow wasn't letting me open the
doors, and I tried looking for something to eat and there wasn't anything
there but this little bag of cornnuts, right, so I tried to open the bag but
I couldn't because I was so little, and I tried but I couldn't get my dad to
wake up to open them for me, and I looked and I looked for something to open
them and all I could find was my dad's gun in the glove compartment, and I
was scared to shoot it at the bag, but I couldn't think of anything else to
do because I was so hungry, and so I shot the bag and it put a big hole in
the bag, but the cornnuts came out and they talked and they all said to me
"YOU CAN'T KILL CORNNUTS WITH A GUN!!!!!"...
After that I blacked out, and I didn't come to for a while, until after the
rescue team came, and I asked them where my parents were and they wouldn't
say anything but the doctors kept asking me what I ate when I was locked up
in that car for 10 days and I swear I don't remember, and I don't get hungry
all the time now, and I really only need to eat it every now and then, but
sometimes I just get so...so...HUNGRY...AND IT'S ALL I THINK ABOUT AND I
CAN'T HELP MYSELF AND I JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT BECAUSE THE HUNGER GETS TO ME
SO BADLY AND I JUST HAVE TO NO MATTER HOW BAD THEY SAY IT IS......
*subject, upon suffering another flashback, collapses in the corner*
