Hell's Red Roses
by angelynx
(OK. You dared me. You'll be sorry.=)
I just didn't have the nerve to try a really ooky Candlelight/
Silhouette-type romance, but here's the ten-minute version of yr
Marilyn Manson Harlequin Historical Romance. Have fun.
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(sweeping theme music up....)
(--names have been slightly altered to protect angelynx from copyright
infringement charges; contains anachronisms anywhere she thought they'd
get a laugh.) (Cover: on a background of blazing sunset and roses, a blonde
in a vaguely period outfit clinches a guy more-or-less resembling Fabio with
a black dye job and Rev-type tattoos.)
--Spunky but sweet Lady Bettina Cooper is unhappily betrothed to wealthy,
moronic Baron Archibald. Alas, her family arranged the marriage and naught
can she do. But wait! one night at a masked ball, just in time to save her from
making an embarrassing-though-honest scene in front of her family and the
unpleasant Baron, disguised brigands sweep into the hall and kidnap Her
Ladyship They weren't exactly hired for their brains, and it turns out they
got the wrong person. Their employer, the notorious highwayman-heretic
known only as Black Monroe, is furious; he had intended to kidnap the
deeply eccentric but charming Baron Jeordie LaBlanche, who was expected
to attend the ball dressed, per his usual habit, as a woman. (It seems Lady
Bettina, in all innocence, had visited the same dressmaker as Baron Jeordie
and chosen a similar gown for the event.) Monroe had planned to use
LaBlanche's captivity not only to demand a ransom from his family
(crossdresser or not, he's their only son and heir) but to plead his emotional
case, as he's been madly in love with the Baron since seeing him in his
Dr. Dentons at a slumber party last year. So much for that plan: instead
he's stuck with this usually perky but now plenty ticked-off blonde, who'll
definitely spill the beans if he tries to just quietly return her home.
She, for her part, is seriously dismayed at being snatched away from
Uncle's manor and dropped into the clutches of this infamous character,
to say nothing of being forced to listen while he laments the loss of the
perverted (thinks she)affair he had so anticipated. Lady Bettina resorts
to praying - loudly - for deliverance, and that sits even more badly with
Monroe, who defiantly quotes Satanic scripture to mock her prayers.
All seems lost. What will Monroe do with this chipper but entirely
unwanted little godbunny? What will Bettina do to save her virtue
and her sanity in Monroe's creepy black mansion of demented pleasures,
and return safely home?
He returns, peeved, to his usual routine of night rides, burning churches,
robbing'n'raping clergymen, tacking Satanic manifestoes on town officials'
doors, and composing magnificent diabolical hymns on the pipe organ.
She spends these evenings creeping uneasily around the place, looking
for exits, and experiencing many unusual sights and sensations.
After the requisite interval in which the pair progress from cutting remarks
and food fights to a measure of grudging respect (she's used to smelly
illiterate men and can't help noticing that Monroe is not only well-read
and well-spoken but smells quite pleasant --powder and almond oil, she
guesses; besides, gee, one has to admit that that Satanic Bible has some
sensible things in it. As for Monroe, he's forced to concede that the lady
shows poise and nerve in coping with her newly weird environment, has
a functional and inquiring mind, and makes a mean pan of maple-walnut fudge.)
--after this interval, I say, tension mounts; they look each other over;
she concludes that virginity is overrated; he concludes he's AC/DC;
they decide they like the look in each other's eyes, and spend several
steamy pages rolling around blissfully in his Lidsville sheets. (Hah, thinks
she gleefully, *this* will settle Archibald's hash.)
Just when they're starting to look like a steady bedtime item, the
ante gets upped in the form of Monroe's most trusted friend, the
dashing and reckless Lord Trenton of Mercer. He proposes they offer
the lady in a swap for Baron Jeordie, threatening to kill the "innocent"
girl if their demands aren't met. (Mercer, already in dutch with his
well-bred family for hanging around with this degenerate - not
to mention his stunning partner-in-crime Lady Robin - doesn't especially
give a fuck if he adds a few illegal deeds to his resume. Besides, electronic
instruments won't be invented for centuries, and he's bored.)
This sounds fine to Monroe, who's still torching big-time for the
adorable LaBlanche, though he admits he'll miss that excellent fudge
(and maybe a few other things). Off they go in a wild cross-country
gallop in the dead of night, terrifying the peasantry and setting
a few fires just for spice. Bettina, hanging on for dear life,
admits she never had fun like this at home...not to mention how much
she's enjoyed wild sticky sex and intelligent (albeit chocolate-smudged)
religious debates with Monroe, while at home they'll expect her to marry
*ugh* Archibald and be a pious, barefoot-&-pregnant child bride/
kitchen drudge...and Uncle's dull old house doesn't look so great anymore.
Upshot of this decision is that, when the monent of truth arrives,
she refuses to be swapped for Baron Jeordie, and announces her intention
to convert to Satanism and become a highwaywoman herself. Monroe
is overwhelmed with respect and affection, and vows to teach her
everything he knows about spreading deviltry, mayhem and the
terror-by-night. The Baron, however, volunteers to come along without
requiring a hostage, having had his eye on Monroe for some time.
The family objects; shots are fired; Lord Trenton displays a powerful
pitching arm, taking out half the LaBlanche relatives single-handedly
with a barrage of objets d'art and nasty language; and under cover of
shattering bricabrac Monroe, Cooper and LaBlanche make good their escape.
Happy ending time. Bettina becomes a terror of the highways in her
own right, but now and then hides out from the law at Chateau Monroe for
a few nights of anal fun, maple fudge and theological discussion.
(One night the coach she waylays happens to contain Archibald, who upon
the shock of recognizing her expires of a heart attack. She donates the
large purse he's carrying to the Home for Pagan Orphans.) Baron Jeordie
and Black Monroe trade clothes, become inseparable, collect a few friends,
sit up all night eating hashish brownies and and composing sacrilegious
roundelays which they perform at Lord Trenton's parties. (Unable to offer
them a recording contract, as those haven't been invented yet either,
he becomes their patron and gets them gigs, eventually introducing them
to Pope Innocent III, but that's another story.) ---And the Space
Chickens file it all for future reference, shrewdly reckoning that in
some later incarnation this Monroe creature may be of value to their
thousand-year plan.
*phew* The End. Stop me before I sequel.
