TrEnT ReZnOr’S PlAy HoUsE
episode #0002
Now on to your regularly scheduled broadcast (direct from
1999 ;) transcribed by dedbat
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TrEnT ReZnOr’S PlAy HoUsE
episode #0002

theme music... (a dark little ditty :)

Opening shot:
Interior shot of the playhouse
Drawn black curtains, broken leather couch in corner, chair from
“Happiness in Slavery” in front of window, lit candles cover most of
the empty space, GenieFish’s box on table, suspicious plant on window
sill, and Maise the dog (she’s stuffed.)

Instead of Trent Reznor, Zim Zum of Marilyn Manson enters through the
playhouse door.

ZIM
Hi kids! I’m Zim Zum! I came here today to be the special guest host
of the playhouse. Why? you ask?
*gets really close in the camera lens*
Because a lot of people THOUGHT I was TRENT in THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
VIDEO, GODDAMMIT!!! Of course, if you know ANYTHING I’m NOTHING like
Trent....
*Zim stops mid sentence, distracted by something offstage. Trent
enters the sound stage, walking in front of the camera. His eyes are
ringed by dark circles and are drawn to angry slits*

TRENT
GODFUCKINGDAMMIT! I had to come all the way down here to tell you to
SHUT THE FUCK UP and get on with the FUCKING script!!!
*cocks head to one side and says as perkily as a cheerleader on speed*
K?

ZIM
*Zim cowers from the onslaught*
Uh, yeah....
*Trent shuffles off stage, back to the land of recording studios*
Well, um.....hmmm.....
*Zim visibly brightens*
I KNOW!!! I’ll share something that makes ME happy every time!!
8whips out his wallet*
Here’s my babies!! My cats!
*the plastic sleeve which is usually made to hold only a few pictures
falls nearly to the floor, crammed with several dozen pictures of cats*
Here’s Tiger playing with his mouse! Oooh! How cute!
*Holds up pictures to camera but they’re so blurry you can’t make out
anything*
And here’s my girlfriend’s big orange tabby playing with the cables on
the t.v.!!! And here’s Muff playing with guitar strings!!! Oooh! How I
wish I was home and playing with them right now!!! How I’d squeeze
them and hug them and love them and....
*Pogo enters from the side of the stage*

POGO
*holding a Coke can*
Zimmy! Hello?!? They don’t CARE!!! 

ZIM
*pauses*
Who asked you?
*the plastic sleeve quavers*

POGO
No one does. Nearly everybody on the planet has a cat. And most do the
same thing as you. Only they don’t take pictures of the cat’s first
hairball and first shit. They don’t keep a tuft of fur taped in a
book. They don’t talk people into putting the dam cat on the phone so
they can make an ass of themself by talking like Elmer Fudd to a
fucking animal who isn’t going to reply.

ZIM
They don’t?
*Pogo shakes his head. Zimmy looks at the floor, crestfallen.*
Oh.

POGO
*now rocking back and forth*
In that, my friend, you are ALONE.

ZIM
*his lower lip kinda quivers*
I think I’m gonna go call Lori....
*he hurriedly leaves the set*

POGO
*laughs to himself*
It was all part of my plan.
*looks directly into the camera*
BOO!
*you swear can hear several million children scream in terror*
What?!?!
*Pogo stares intently at the people behind the camera*

OFFSTAGE VOICE
We have to go to a commercial, Pogo.

POGO
What?! I just got here!!! GODDAMMIT!! Motherfuckers!!
*flips crew off*
*Pogo snarls at the camera* FINE!!! 
I’ll be back after a couple of commercials.... and if you aren’t, Ill
know! I’ll come after you and your parents and your dog.....
*cut to commercial*

COMMERCIALS

POGO
*Pogo has managed to drag a table into the set, and a hard plastic
chair. He is sitting at the table, hands folded on the top, a Coke can
in front of him, a hammer, a nail, duct tape all sitting on the table
top. He is smiling.*
Well, I see the MAJORITY of you returned. Good.
*He picks up the can*
Today’s craft project is how to make your own Coke can bong. And when
you finish, you can go dig around in your parent’s dresser drawer and
smoke all their pot.
*picks up duct tape in other hand*
First you want seal the can tightly...

TWIGGY
*enters through broken playhouse door*
Pogo! Pogo, Pogo, Pogo!!!!

POGO
Fuck!! What?!?

TWIGGY
Why teach them how to make a bong? Why don’t you just tell them about
Pixi Sticks? They’re a hellofa lot easier to use and cheap. And
they’re LEGAL.

POGO
DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?!
*ignores his bandmate and continues on*
So, after you seal the can well, you want to make a hole in the side
with the hammer and nail....

TWIGGY
*whining*
But Trent told me to come out here and show the kids....

POGO
Fuck THAT! It’s MY show now.
*He continues on with his instructions. Twiggy, now visibly angry,
slams himself into Pogo, forcing Pogo to fall out of the chair and on
the floor. His coke can clatters on the concrete floor. He looks up at
Twiggy, angrily.*
WHAT THE FUCK!!!

TWIGGY
*puts finger to lip, dripping innocence*
I didn’t do it! Don’t look at me!

POGO
*collects his stuff and stalks off stage*
You’ll pay boy...later.... you’d better watch your back......

TWIGGY
*straightens the table and plunks down in the chair*
Well, since he’s gone, I get to teach you all about the wonderful uses
of pixi sticks!
*produces a rather large bag of pixi sticks out of thin air*
See, these fuckers are cheap, and rather than having to build
something to use them, they come already usable! All you have to do is
bite off the end, pour them  out into your mouth, and Ta Da! INSTANT
SUGAR HIGH!!!
*proceeds to demonstrate*
See. That was really easy. Of course....
*looks around the set, then leans forward.*
You can snort them and it’s even funner.
*proceeds to demonstrate that use.*
WOW! See! That’s even better. Think I’ll do that again!
*repeats the process.*

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Yo! Twig! We have a commercial!

TWIGGY
What?!!? 
*in the middle of cutting another line of sugar*
What!! Oh fuck! Fine. Take a commercial. 

COMMERCIALS

Instead of the normal return shot, the camera man does a sweep shot of
the playhouse. The table and chair Pogo brought out are missing. The
neat trippy music from the first show is back. Funny though, the
camera man seems to be trying to not show something....Hm....

TRENT
I though I FIRED you!!! NO GODDAM TRIPPY MUSIC!!
You’re out on your ass buddy!!
*shoves a crew member on stage, past the camera lens.The guy is
bewildered and scared. Trent follows, shoving him out the playhouse
door. The camera falls to where Twiggy is laying on the stage floor,
in a jumble of empty pixi sticks and small piles of sugar.*

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Hey! Twiggy? You okay, man?

TWIGGY
Huh?
*has snorted at least a dozen and a half pixi sticks during the
commercial break. He manages to sit up, sugar falling from his dreds.*

OFFSTAGE VOICE
I said, are you okay, man?

TWIGGY
What?
*brushes sugar off his Maiden shirt, squints out of one eye*
Whaaa....?
*two crew members come and help Twig off stage. The set is now empty.*

OFFSTAGE VOICE
NOW who we gonna get....
*pause*
Yo! Ginger Fish!

GINGER
*comes in the playhouse door at a good clip. He’s wearing his Lon
Chaney shirt and red velvet pants.*
Yes?

OFFSTAGE VOICE
YOU’RE the host now.
*mumbles*
Till we can find someone else. Hey! Where’s Manson.....?

GINGER
REALLY? Wow!
*pauses in thought*
Hmmmm.... I don’t know what to do. I’ve never hosted before....
*brightens*
I can do a little clogging....
*breaks into clog dance*

ANOTHER OFFSTAGE VOICE
HEY GINGER!!! NICE PANTS!!!

GINGER
*stops in mid-dance. Gets an upset look on his face*
Whaaa?
*hurries back through playhouse door*

OFFSTAGE VOICE
FUCK!!! Now what do we do?
*the camera swivels around. You catch a glimpse of Twiggy through the
playhouse windows, running around backstage, being chased by several
crew members. Shouts and hollers fill the air*

SECOND OFFSTAGE VOICE
TWIGGY!!!! GET BACK HERE!!!

TWIGGY
*giggling8
I’m the Gingerbread Man!!
*runs wildly through the sound stage, you can hear the commotion he’s
causing offstage*
Catch me if you can!!  (incoherent giggling)
*runs through the playhouse set*

SECOND OFFSTAGE VOICE
NOOO!
*follows Twiggy on the set*
Come back!! Twiggy! Please!!!

TWIGGY
*bounces off the walls, sprints towards the couch, leaps on it*
CATCH ME!!!
*jumps off the broken leather couch. Hits the floor running and
laughing. The two crew members are nearly exhausted and panting. But
they continue to follow the extra hyper Twiggy.*

OFFSTAGE VOICE
Cut to commercial!!!! Fuck!!! DO IT!!!

COMMERCIALS

There is a single chair on the stage, enveloped in a blinding
spotlight. Coming in through the playhouse door, is Mr. Tony Wiggins, 
the sweet Southern gentleman that befriended the Family back in the
days of the Danzig tour. He holds an acoustic guitar and settles down
in the chair. 

WIGGINS
Howdy.
*nods to the television audience*
I’ve come here today, on request of my good buddies in Marilyn Manson,
who were desperate to fill the spot of the host, after Ginger’s hasty
departure. So, I decided to play my remix of ‘Cake and Sodomy’, but
only if someone would do something very special for all them Spooky
Kids out there in T.V. Land.
*In walks Manson, a rather rusted Strawberry Shortcake lunch box in
hand. He stops when he reaches Wiggins' side.*
Ready there, Marilyn?
*Manson nods. Places the precious lunch box on the ground in front of
Wiggins' chair and kneels beside it. A lighter and lighter fluid are
produced and readied.*
1.....2....3.... Virgins sold in quantity....
*Manson solemnly lights the lunch box, guiding the small flame upwards
with his fingers. It slowly grows, reaching full height right at the
chorus.*
WHITE TRASH GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES!!! TIME FOR CAKE AND SODOMY!!
Everybody, sing along!!!!
WHITE TRASH, GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES.........
*Suddenly, the power to the set and cameras is cut off. A blank screen
appears on the viewer’s sets. You can hear the cries of a thousand
Spooky Kids as they realize the
moment is gone forever....*

NOTE: 
As it is later discovered, Twiggy (still on his sugar high) bounded
into the control room, being pursued by one very angry Pogo. After
crashing around in the very small room, Pogo decided that if he
couldn’t have the show to himself, then NO ONE was going to have it.
So he held the cable that connected the power to the controls up high
enough that Twiggy tripped over it, undoing it from the connection. 
Needless to say, Manson and Wiggins were a tad angry later on that
night.

                        THE END
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written by dedbat