The Dukes of Burnage

Okay, so I'm hooked on the "Dukes of Hazzard." I can't help it. It's like the soaps. It's too funny to not watch. And besides, I loved it when I was a kid. I even had "Dukes of Hazzard" toys. Anyway, those of you who have seen the "Dukes of Hazzard" have a basic idea of what this is gonna look like. Those of you who haven't, here's a few Duke facts:
The Duke boys, Bo and Luke Duke, are two cousins who live on a farm in Hazzard County with their Uncle Jessie and their other cousin, Daisy. In case you didn't know, she's the one who gave those "Daisy Duke" shorts their name. They drive a very cool Dodge Charger, painted orange with an "O1" on the sides, a confederate flag on top, and a horn that plays "Dixie." This car's name is the General Lee. The man who basically runs the town is Boss Hogg, who has a stupid side-kick sheriff named Roscoe P. Coltrain. The whole idea of the show (if there is one), is: the Duke boys drive around like maniacs in their car, Boss Hogg and Roscoe chase them around and find creative ways of arresting them on false charges. They usually get into some kind of pointless trouble in every show, but the recurring theme is a good police-chase, including the Dukes flying the General Lee over washed out bridges, over ditches, up ramps and through billboards, screaming "Yeeee-hah!" the whole time.
Stupid show, right? Yeah, I know. But it's still a valuable piece of American history, and it was BIG TIME popular in the '70s and early '80s. So Bo and Luke are gonna change places with Liam and Noel, and I'm gonna just update this every once in a while with a new adventure for the Gallagher boys.
Just in case you do want to check out the Duke boys for yourself, they come on TNN (heaven forbid you watch TNN any other time, but it's okay for this) every day, with two back-to-back episodes. Their theme song'll sum it all up for y'all:
Just the good ol' boys
Never meanin' no harm
Beats all you never saw
Been in trouble with the law
Since the day they was born.
Straigtenin' the curves
Flattenin' the hills
Someday the mountain might get 'em
But the law never will
Makin' their way
The only way they know how
And that's just a little bit more
Than the law will allow.
Just the good ol' boys
Wouldn't change if they could
Fightin' the system
Like two modern day Robin Hoods.



Yeeeee-hah! Howdy, y'all, and welcome to the first installment of the "Dukes of Burnage!" This time on the "Dukes," Liam an' Noel get in a heap o' trouble with the law, plus have to stop a Spice Girls concert in Burnage!
[Theme music]
"Just th' bad ol' boys
Doin' all kinds of harm
Beatin' on each other,
They been ornery brothers
Since the day they was born
A smack on the head,
Aimin' to kill
Someday their momma might get 'em
But the law never will
Breakin' the rules
Every way they know how
It's somethin' the cops in Britain
Always seem to allow
Just th' bad ol' boys
But they're gettin' real far
Fightin' each other
With star-shaped tamborines and guitars."

Well, it was another rainy day in Burnage County, and the Gallagher boys was going into downtown Manchester to get their Uncle Bonehead some grits. They dashed along the slippery streets in their 1978 purple Pinto. They called it the "Winston Churchill." It had a Union Jack on top, a "10" on the side, and when you honked the horn, it played "Wonderwall." Yep, everybody in Burnage was jealous of that car. Well, they was just about past the turnoff to their favorite hangout, The Bird's Cave, when a police car screeched out behind 'em, sirens blaring. The car belonged to none other than the moronic sheriff of Burnage, Alex P. James.
Noel: Uh-oh, Liam. Here comes Alex again. You'd better step on it.
Alex: I'm a-gonna get them Gallagher boys this time, oh yes I am. Hang on, Crispian.
Crispian was Alex's mangy cat. Liam stepped on it. This began the customary car chase at speeds up to 90 miles an hour. This was a really well-made Pinto. They hung a curve in the road, and flew toward the Ol' Bridge.
Noel: Liam! The Ol' Bridge is out! We've gotta turn back!
Liam: Shucks, Noel. I got a better idea! We'll just fly the Winston Churchill over it and land on the other side!
Noel: Sounds good to me.
Just as Alex was closing in, the boys jumped the Winston Churchill over the washed-out bridge.
Liam and Noel: Yeeeeee-hah!!
They landed on the other side, with a surprising lack of whiplash.
Alex: Dadburn it! I lost 'em again, Crispian!
After losing Sheriff James, the Gallagher boys made their way into downtown Manchester for the grits. They pulled up at the Piggly Wiggly and were shocked by a sign in the window that read:
ONE NIGHT ONLY! THE SPICE GIRLS! LIVE!
Noel: Oh! My! God!
Liam: No! It can't be! Not the Spice Girls! Noel, we've got to stop it!
The boys run home to the ranch to ask their Uncle Bonehead for advice.
Liam: Uncle Bonehead! Uncle Bonehead!
Uncle Bonehead: Where's the grits?
Noel: We didn't get 'em.
Uncle Bonehead smacks them upside their heads. Or (as my relatives from Tennessee are so fond of saying), he slaps them naked and hides their clothes.
Uncle Bonehead: I asked you to bring me some grits!
Liam: But Uncle Bonehead! We had to come back fast! The Spice Girls are gonna be performing in town tonight!
Uncle Bonehead: The Spice Girls!!??
The boys' cousin, Guigsy Lou comes strolling in. (Okay, sorry Guigsy had to be a girl. I had to get him a part somewhere. And besides, Guigsy sounds close enough to Daisy).
Guigsy Lou: Hey boys. What's up?
Liam: Cousin Guigsy! The Spice Girls are gonna put on a concert in Burnage!
Guigsy Lou: Oh my gosh! We've gotta do something!
At that moment, the County Commissioner, Boss Albarn, pulls up with Alex P. James.
Noel: Oh great. It's Boss Albarn. What does he want?
Boss Albarn: I have a warrant for your arrest, Gallagher boys!
Liam: We ain't done nothing wrong. You can't arrest us.
Boss Albarn: Oh yes you have. Read 'em the charges, Alex.
Alex: Speeding, Reckless Driving, Resisting Arrest, not to mention violation of every other traffic law in this county.
Noel: You just want to put us in jail so that the Spice Girls can perform and become more popular than Oasis in Burnage County!
Boss Albarn: That's right. But there's nothing you can do about it. So shut up and get in the car.
Alex handcuffs Liam and Noel, and he and Boss Albarn cart them off to jail.
Guigsy Lou: Oh, Uncle Bonehead, we've gotta get Liam and Noel out so they can stop the Spice Girls!
Uncle Bonehead: Don't worry, Guigsy. I'll think of something.
Well, every time Uncle Bonehead and Guigsy Lou try to save the Gallagher boys from jail in a LEGAL manner, the boys have already escaped in an ILLEGAL manner. And so, back at the Burnage County jail, Liam and Noel have already made a lasso out of their socks and got the cell keys off the hook. They escape from jail while Sheriff James is sleeping and go off to devise a plan about stopping the Spice Squirrels. They think up a good one. At the Burnage County Convention Center, where the Spice Girls are set to perform that night, the Girls are in their dressing room awaiting the concert.
Emma: Girl Power!
Mel B: Oh, shut up, Emma. We're alone now, we don't have to put on that stupid act we put on for the public.
The Spice Girls take off their wigs, revealing their bald heads, remove their makeup (a sight too frightening to describe), and start smoking cigars.
Victoria: So how much is Boss Albarn paying us to pull off this gig?
Mel C: Plenty. As soon as we do this show for all these hicks and make them love us more than Oasis, we can go off rich and the Gallagher boys'll be ruined.
Geri: Yeah. I just hope we got what it takes to impress these crackers.
There is a knock at the door.
Emma: Um...just a minute!
The Girls hurry to put out their cigars, pull their wigs back on and slap their makeup together.
Victoria: Come in!
In walk two girls in mini skirts and high heels, excessive makeup and huge hair. We know it's Liam and Noel in disguise. They don't.
Liam: Howdy y'all! We're here to apply for the job!
Mel C: To apply for a job? But we're a group! You can't apply to a group.
Noel: We just thought you all would like a little help. Seein' as how we're real popular-like around the community, if you had us in the group, the people'd love you even more!
Mel B: Hmmm. Good idea. You can join, but just for tonight. What're your names?
Liam: I'm Bobbie Sue, and this here's Ellie May.
Geri: Alright. Be back here tonight for the concert.
Bobbie Sue and Ellie May take off back to the ranch to tell Uncle Bonehead and Guigsy Lou their plan. Alex P. James, who is driving around, recognizes the Gallagher boys' car and starts chasing them. Another car chase! How unusual! Let's see...how shall I SPICE this up...
Noel: Bobbie Sue! Erm...Liam! There's a big ramp up ahead in the road! Go around it!
Hehhehheh. Ramps in the road for no reason are another trademark, y'know.
Liam: Shucks, Noel. That'd be too easy! I'll just go right up it and we'll fly over this here forest!
Noel: Good idea!
They go right up it and fly over that there forest.
Liam and Noel: Yeeeeeee-hah!
Alex: Oh, great piddly puddly! Come on, Crispian. We'll meet 'em at their ranch!
Liam and Noel arrive at the ranch and go in to find Uncle Bonehead and Guigsy Lou.
Liam: Uncle Bonehead!
Uncle Bonehead: Who're you?
Noel: It's us, Uncle Bonehead. Liam and Noel.
Uncle Bonehead: Oh no. This whole mess with the Spice Girls has driven you to become transvestites!
Liam: No, Uncle Bonehead. We're in disguise! We're goin' onstage with the Spice Girls tonight!
Guigsy Lou: That's great! You can ruin their concert in front of all the people!
Guess who's pulling up outside? The million dollar question. If you guessed Sheriff Alex P. James...
Alex: I got you now, Gallagher boys! Wait a minute. Who're you two?
Liam: We're the Gallagher gals! We're Liam and Noel's cousins from Alabama!
Alex: Oh. Well, aren't you pretty! If you're not doin' anything tonight...
Noel: Okay, thanks for dropping by, Sheriff. Let me just show you to the door.
Guigsy Lou: Guys! You'd better get going! The Spice Girls concert is gonna start any minute!
Bobbie Sue and Ellie May jump into the Winston Churchill and speed off for the Spice Girls concert. At the Convention Center...
Emma: It's about time you two got here!
Liam: Um, sorry. We had to re-do our nails.
Victoria: Oh. I know how that goes. Well, hurry up. Let's take the stage.
The Spice Girls, plus the Gallagher boys go onstage. The citizens of Burnage County cheer.
Geri: Hello, Burnage County! Are you prepared to love us?
Liam: Not so fast, Scary!
Geri: It's Geri.
Liam: Whatever. You ain't been loved by nobody for less than $50 since you started your miserable careers, and you ain't gonna start now!
Liam and Noel pull of their wigs.
Mel B: Gasp! It's the Gallagher boys!
The crowd cheers.
Mel C: Let's get 'em! Girl Power!
The Spice Girls come at the Gallagher boys, judo-kicking and throwing shiny metal objects at them.
Noel: You're gonna have to do better than that! Do I look like a fishbowl to you?
Liam and Noel pull out their 45-calliber tamborines and start attacking the Spice Girls.
Emma: We give up! You win! Boss Albarn made us do it!
Boss Albarn: Umm...what? Uh, no I did not, you...bad girls. You're going to jail!
Victoria: Where's our money? You said you'd pay us to...
Boss Albarn: ...uh, I said I'd uh...pay anybody who catches you! That's what I said. Alex! Take 'em away.
So the Spice Girls were taken away to jail. Boss Albarn had to pay the Gallagher boys for catching them, since he said he would in front of the whole town, and the boys went and bought a brand new CB with the reward money. And everybody lived happily ever after in Burnage County, until the next day.



Yeeeeee-hah! Howdy, y'all, and welcome back for the second installment of the "Dukes of Burnage!" Last time on the Dukes, the boys narrowly escaped a Spice Girls concert in Burnage County! This time, they git chased around by the law some more, plus have to rescue Guigsy Lou from the evil clutches of them pollcats from Hanson!
(You know the routine - song plays here, yada yada yada...)
Well, it was another sunny day in Burnage County, and the Gallagher boys was gettin' chased around by the law. Like they did every day, three times a day, and twice on Sundays.
Noel: Why do you s'pose the law's chasin' us, Liam?
Liam: Golly, Noel, I don't know. Seems like the law's always chasin' us, but they ain't ever had a reason yet.
Noel: Oh well. I reckon we'd just better keep runnin' away from 'em.
And so they kept on runnin' away from Sherrif Alex P. James, who was just chasin' 'em because Boss Albarn had given him another quota to fill. Meanwhile, back at the Gallagher Farm...
Uncle Bonehead: Guigsy Lou, you gotta go into town and git me some grits. I asked them boys two weeks ago to go git me some, and they still ain't done it.
Guigsy Lou: Alright, Uncle Bonehead. I'll be back in a little while.
So Guigsy Lou heads off into town, and the boys continue their mandatory car chase. Ready for the first leap-o'-the-day? Here we go...
Noel: Hey, Liam! We're headin' straight for Farmer McCartney's barn! Go around it!
Liam: Golly, Noel. Wouldn't it be a lot easier to just hit that big mound of dirt and fly right over the barn?
Noel: Good idea, cuzin. Go for it.
An' so, much to everyone's great surprise, the Gallagher boys hit that big, strategically placed mound of dirt and fly right over Farmer McCartney's barn.
Liam and Noel: Yeeeeeee-hah!
Farmer McCartney: Hey! Ya dadburned kids! How many times have I told ya to quit flyin' yer danged car over ma barn?!
Noel: Aw, shucks, Liam! We done scratched some purple paint off the side of the Winston Churchill!
Liam: Oh no! Let's go down to Alan's Garage and git the whole car repainted!
While th' boys drove down to Alan's Garage to git the Winston Churchill repaired, Guigsy Lou was on her way to the Piggly Wiggly to get Uncle Bonehead's grits. But she didn't exactly make it that far. See that car up there on the side o' the road? (I know you don't see it, just pretend you do.) Well, in that car is the Hanson Brothers. The most ornery sixth graders in th' whole county. And today, their mommy forgot to take the keys out of the ignition...
Zac: Hey! Look guys! It's Guigsy Lou, the Gallagher boys' cousin!
Taylor: I been wantin' to git back at them Gallagher boys ever since they been more talented than us!
Isaac: Well, here's our chance! We'll kidnap Guigsy Lou!
Zac: Cool! Does anybody know how to drive?
Taylor: Just git down there and push the gas pedal, and I'll turn this big wheel.
And so the Hanson Brothers were off, chasin' poor Guigsy Lou all over the back-roads of Burnage County. Finally, they ran her off the road.
Isaac: Alright, you. Git in th' car!
Guigsy Lou: You little brats leave me alone!
Taylor: Git her, fellas!
They tie Guigsy Lou up and stuff her in the trunk.
Guigsy Lou: You jist wait til my cuzins git you, you little punks!
Zac: Hey! Quit calling us names! I'm telling mom!
So while all this is goin' on, Liam and Noel are down at Alan's Garage, paintin' their car.
Alan: Are ya sure you wanna re-do th' whole thing? It's just a millimeter-long scratch on the door!
Liam: We can't have the Winston Churchill lookin' like that! Now shut up and paint.
And in walks Uncle Bonehead.
Uncle Bonehead: Boys! There you are. Have you seen Guigsy Lou? I sent her out to git me some grits about an hour ago, and I ain't seen hide nor hair of her since!
And in walks Boss Albarn.
Boss Albarn: We jist got a report in that yer cuzin Guigsy Lou's been kidnapped by th' Hanson Brothers!
Noel: The Hanson Brothers! Oh no!
Liam: Poor Guigsy Lou!
Alan: We have to save her! What if they sing?!
Uncle Bonehead: Dang it! Now I'll never git my grits!
The Gallagher boys and Alan jump into th' Winston Churchill and take off to find the Hanson Brothers. Uncle Bonehead takes his pickup truck and heads off in th' other direction.
Noel: Dadgum it! Where could they have gone off to?
The CB crackles.
Uncle Bonehead: This is quarterback to wide receiver. Quarterback to wide receiver. Do you read me?
Liam: This is wide receiver to quarterback. What's yer position on the play?
Uncle Bonehead: I'm two yards down from the line of scrimmage, and I got a defensive lineman in my sights. Do you read?
Liam: I read you, QB. Fake left, and run the blitz. We'll be comin' down the sidelines. Over and out.
Alan: What in the heck was that all about?
Noel: He says he's spotted the Hanson Brothers, and now we're goin' to cut 'em off.
Alan: Couldn't ya just say that?
Liam: Golly, Alan. Then we wouldn't have understood what was goin' on! You shore don't know a lot about livin' in Burnage County.
Alan: Obviously not.
Noel: I've spotted 'em! They're down there at th' bottom of the hill! Take the road down there, quick!
Liam: Shucks, Noel! Wouldn't it be easier if I just flew the car off the hill and cut 'em off?
Alan: NO!
Noel: Shoot, Alan, you jist don't git it. Go ahead, cuzin Liam.
So th' boys fly the Winston Churchill off the hill and into the road in front of th' Hanson Brothers.
Liam and Noel: Yeeeeeee-hah!!
Alan: AHHHHHHHHHH!
The Hanson Brothers screech to a stop.
Liam: Alright, Hanson Brothers. Git out of that car! Noel! Git Cuzin Guigsy out of th' trunk.
Noel gits Guigsy Lou out and unties her.
Liam: Now you boys come with us! We're takin' you home to yer mommy.
The Hanson Brothers are dragged back home by the Gallagher boys.
Mrs. Hanson: You naughty boys! Go to your room! Thank you, boys, for bringing them home.
Noel: Aww, it was nuthin', ma'am. Just please don't have any more kids.
To show her appreciation, Mrs. Hanson baked the boys a sweet-potato pie, and everybody lived happily ever after in Burnage County. But then, next week...

Yeeeee-hah! Howdy folks, and welcome back for the third installment of the "Dukes of Burnage!" Last time the Dukes rescued their cousin Guigsy Lou from the evil Hanson brothers. This time on the Dukes, the boys hafta save Burnage County from a nuclear attack!
(insert yer theme song here)
Another day in Burnage County, and another car chase for the Dukes of Burnage. The boys was flying around the backroads with Boss Albarn and Sheriff Alex P. James flying after 'em.
Noel: We didn't do nothing wrong, did we Liam?
Liam: Nope.
Noel: Okay. I was just checking to make sure the plot was going right.
For once, however, the Boss and the Sheriff actually corner the boys.
Boss Albarn: We got you now, you Gallaghers.
Liam: What's the charge, Boss?
Boss Albarn: Charge? Uh....tell 'em, Alex!
Alex: Um....you go ahead, sir. You're the Boss.
Boss Albarn: Oh. Alright, you're charged with.....yer windows are tinted too dark!
Noel: Our windows ain't tinted, Boss.
Boss Albarn: And arguing with a police officer! Now git in the car.
Just about that time, though, Uncle Bonehead and Guigsy Lou pull up.
Uncle Bonehead: Boys, have you got my grits yet?
Liam: Sorry, Uncle Bonehead, we was busy bein' arrested.
Uncle Bonehead: I'm NEVER gonna get them grits! But that's not important right now, I don't guess. We've got big news, Boss.
Boss Albarn: You ain't gonna talk me out of arresting yer nephews, Bonehead.
Guigsy Lou: No, Boss. We've just heard on the radio that Russia's planning to launch a nuclear attack on Burnage County!
Alex: A nuclear attack?!
Boss Albarn: That's the worst excuse you two've come up with yet to git these boys out of jail. Now go on, we're takin' 'em in.
Before he could load the boys in the car, though, his CB started to crackle.
Boss Albarn: Alex, answer that CB. I think somebody's tryin' to call in.
Sheriff James went over and picked up the CB.
Alex: Sheriff Alex P. James here, over. Who's this?
Voice on CB: We are Russian!
Alex: Well, slow down then, over.
Voice on CB: Wha..? Not Rushin', Russian! We are Russian! We have come to attack your country!
Alex: This ain't a country, mister, it's a county, over.
Voice on CB: Not a country? Oh dear. We've made a terrible mistake. Oh well. Too late now! Okay, we are here to attack your county!
Alex: Why, over.
Voice on CB: Why? Hmmm. Nobody's asked that before. Well, because we need to test out these weapons on SOMEBODY!
Alex: Good point. Go ahead, over.
Boss Albarn: Alex, you nitwit, you just gave the Russians permission to attack Burnage County.
Alex: Well, Boss, I didn't want to be inhospitable! They are visitors to our country, after all.
Sheriff James has never been known to be too awful bright. It seemed like Burnage County was up a creek without a paddle this time. But the Gallagher boys came up with a well-thought out plan as usual...
Liam: Hey, Boss, don't worry. We'll go stop 'em!
Noel: Yeah, shore. How hard can it be to stop a bunch of nuclear missile-wielding Russians?
And so the Gallaghers take off to save Burnage County. It's not too hard to find the Russians hideout - the giant rocket launcher sort of gave it away.
Liam: There they are, Noel. What do we do now?
Noel: I dunno, Liam. I thought YOU had a plan.
Liam: I don't have a plan, Noel. I thought YOU had one.
Noel: Well, what d'we do now?
Liam: I guess we can go.....plug up their rocket launcher!
Noel: Dang, Liam! That's the best idea you've ever had!
So the boys take off toward the Russian camp.
Liam: Alright, Noel, what do we plug up the launcher with?
Noel: I dunno, Liam. I thought YOU knew what we was gonna plug it up with.
Liam: Nevermind. Hey....let's use the Winston Churchill!
Noel: Wow! Another great idea!
And now for the obligatory car jump. The boys decide to take off from a big mound of dirt, fly up, and plug the rocket launcher with their car.
Liam and Noel: Yeeeeeeeeee-haaaaah!!!!
The Winston Churchill flies up and sticks right in the rocket launcher.
Liam: We done did it, Noel!
Noel: We shore did.....wait a minute, Liam. What if they decide to shoot the rocket launcher anyway?
Liam: I guess the Winston Churchill'll just shoot out and land somewheres.
Noel: That's great, but....we're still in it!!
Liam: Oh, shoot!
Before they could jump out of the car, the Russians decided to fire the launcher. The Winston Churchill shot out like a bullet.
Liam and Noel: Yeeeeeeee-haaaaah!!
Anticipating that this was going to happen, however, Uncle Bonehead and Guigsy Lou were waiting with their OWN rocket launcher. The Winston Churchill landed in it, and the boys was shot right back the other direction.
Liam and Noel: Yeeeeeeee-haaaaaah!!
This time, they landed right on top of the Russians.
Boss Albarn: I guess you done it, boys. I suppose I'll let you off this time, since you caught all the Russians.
Liam: Shucks, Boss, twern't nuthin'. Can we have the rocket launchers, though?
Boss Albarn: I guess. Don't hurt nobody.
So the Gallagher boys took the rocket launchers home and amused themselves for a few weeks by launching each other back and forth, and everyone was happy in Burnage County for yet another episode.

Yeeeeee-hah!! Howdy, y'all! Last time on the Dukes, Liam and Noel saved Burnage County from a mess o' nuclear weapons and Russians! This time, they got to stop some armored car thieves!
("Hit it, Waylon Jennings!")
It was a purty boring day in Burnage. It was right smack dab in th' middle of Joo-ly, and it was hot enough to boil a swamp possum. It was even to hot for the Dukes to be drivin' around.
Uncle Bonehead: Boys, please. I'm beggin' ya. Go downtown to the Piggly Wiggly and get me some dad-blamed grits!!
Liam: We'd shore love to, Uncle Bonehead, but it's so gosh-darned hot out there.
Uncle Bonehead: I've been asking you for three months now. I'm starving here. I don't care how flippin' hot it is, go get me some grits!
Noel: Ya know, I just remembered sumthin, Uncle Bonehead. YOU can drive.
Uncle Bonehead: I know I can, but I'm old and fat and senile, and I shouldn't have to do no manual labor when I've got three young uns around to do it for me!
Guigsy Lou: Alright, alright, Uncle Bonehead, we'll go get yer grits.
Liam: WE'LL?
Guigsy Lou aims her shotgun at the Duke boys.
Noel: Yep, we'll.
As usual, for reasons only the Dukes know, even though they and Guigsy Lou was headin' for the same place, they had to take separate vehicles. So when the Dukes and the Winston Churchill beat Guigsy Lou to the Piggly Wiggly, they didn't have nuthin better to do than stand around and wait.
Liam: Boy, I shore wish Guigsy Lou would hurry up. It's so hot out here ma feet are on fire.
Noel: Yeah! They are!
Liam: I know, man. It's hot.
Noel: No, really! Yer feet are on fire! Put 'em out!
Liam: AHHHHH! Ma feet are on fire! AHHHHH!
The boys raced over to the sprinklers that were watering the grass in front of the Burnage National Bank to put Liam's feet out. When they finally got done smokin', the boys was prepared to walk back to the store when they saw sumthin fishy goin on at th' back of th' bank.
Liam: Hey. What d'you suppose those two guys are doing?
Noel: Looks like they're loadin' up an armored car.
Liam: No, not them. Those two guys sneakin up on 'em with guns and bandanas over their faces.
Noel: Hmmm. I reckon I don't know. What do you think they're up to?
Liam: Y'know.....if I didn't know better.....I'd say they was gonna steal that armored car.
Noel: Ya think so? Maybe they're just bringin the drivers some guns to protect themselves with.
Liam: Yeah, yer probably right. Let's get back to the Piggly Wiggly.
About that time, the armored car was speeding out onto Main Street and off down the backroads of Burnage.
Armored Car Driver: Help! Help! Those men just robbed us! They stole Boss Albarn's armored car! Help!
Noel: Whaddaya know about that, Liam? You was right!
Liam: Wow! Well, I guess let's go chase 'em. I mean, even though we don't have any guns or anything we could use to actually stop them if we DID catch them, let's go chase 'em anyway.
Noel: Good idea.
Th' boys wheeled the Winston Churchill around and were about to speed off, when suddenly a big semi stopped right in the middle of Main Street, blocking the entire road.....
Liam and Noel: Yeeeeeeeeeeee-hah!!!!!!
Well, the boys soon got tired of chasin' the armored car around, so they drove back into town to see how Boss Albarn was reacting to his loss.
Boss Albarn: I don't believe it! I can't believe it! If it was just MONEY in that car, I'd be able to handle it!
Liam: If it wasn't money in the back of that armored car, Boss, what was it?
Boss Albarn: It was my entire stock of gin 'n' tonic that I was sendin down to restock the Bird's Cave.
Liam and Noel: A truckload of gin 'n' tonic????
To be continued....



"The Dukes of Burnage" is written exclusively by whatsthestory & morningglory - BBH Editors. ©1997, 1998