Noel has a lot of birthdays. Every year, actually. But this story was written for his most recent birthday, and explores just what goes on at a famous person's birthday party....

Noel Gallagher's Birthday Party


Scene: Noel's house on his birthday. The house is decorated with streamers, the Japanese lanterns Liam bought specially for the occasion (from the dollar store) are burning one of the trees they are hanging from down, and the bar, of course, is fully stocked. Noel walks by with a rather stupid looking polka-dotted party hat on. He is holding another one in his hand. Liam runs by.
Noel: Liam! Get back here and put this on!
[Liam runs by again]
Liam: Not a chance!
Noel: It's my birthday, and I said put it on!
Liam: [running by again] You're a wacko, Noel. Get away from me!
Noel: [chasing after Liam] Put this hat on now, or I'll knock your bloody head off!
Liam: [still running] Well, then I won't have to wear it! Get away! You're only 30 and you've already gone senile!
Noel: [grabbing Liam] Put this on!
[They struggle and Liam falls. Noel sits on him, rams the hat onto his head and loudly snaps the elastic band under his chin (and we all know that hurts)]
Liam: OWW!! That's it! I'm not giving you the present I got you now!
Noel: Oh dear. How will I ever survive without another set of stick-on tattooes and a subscription to the Beer-of-the-Month club.
Liam: [rubbing his chin] That's the gift that keeps on giving, mate.
Noel: Yeah, to you, since you're the one who drinks all the beer. Go....dispose of yourself. My guests'll be here any minute. Go help Meg and Patsy or something.
Liam: Help Meg and Patsy what? Eat your birthday cake? 'Cause that's what they've done.
Noel: What?
Liam: They got to talking about birthdays, then they got depressed about getting old and ugly, and they ate your birthday cake.
Noel: What? The whole thing? That cake was huge!
Liam: Yeah, and I wouldn't underestimate them from now on, either. They did a bang-up job.
Noel: Well then go buy me another one! And hurry up before my guests all get here.
Liam: It's 15-til-12, you moron. And don't look at me like that, who's bright idea was it to have a party at midnight?
Noel: Well, then go make one!
Liam: I don't...
Noel: Now!
[Exit Liam to the kitchen. The doorbell rings.]
Noel: Alright! My first guest! I can't wait to see who it is!
[Noel opens the door. It appears that Groucho Marx is standing there.]
Noel: Groucho?
Groucho: [trying to cover up his Cockney accent and not succeeding] That's right! I'm...um, I'm Groucho Marx! I'm here for the party!
Noel: Get lost, Damon.
[Noel slams the door on "Groucho" and goes back to the living room. The doorbell rings again.]
Noel: Who is it?
Voice: Candygram!
Noel: I said get lost!
[Another doorbell ring.]
Noel: Good. A real guest.
[He opens the door.]
Noel: Mick! Keith! Hey, guys, thanks for coming!
Keith Richards: Mmfkdlafk asleowifia lsadfsjf.
Noel: What?
Mick Jagger: Keef says happy birthday.
Noel: Oh. Yeah. Um, thanks a lot, Keith.
Keith: Gisodtoi gdskoaiguu asogidsd...fijoe.
Noel: Eh?
Mick: Keef asks where the bar's at.
Noel: Sounds to me like he found a few others on the way over.
Mick: Oh, Keef's fine. He's only had six bottles today, y'know. He's a bit dry.
Noel: Oh. Um, out the door on the patio.
Mick: Thanks, mate. Have you got any chapstick?
Noel: Yeah, in the upstairs bathroom. There's a tube of it....um, well, there's a whole crate of it under the sink. Use as much as you need.
[Keith crashes over a chair.]
Noel: Careful there, Keith.
Keith: Okdfkaj fkdsjlaf.
Noel: If you say so.
[Exit Mick and Keith]
Noel: Liam?! How's the cake coming?
Liam: [from the kitchen] You don't have any flour!
Noel: Well use something else then!
Liam: Hmmm...salt? Salt.
Noel: No, not salt!!
Liam: Hey, man, you're not in a position to be picky! Baking powder, then. Looks like flour to me, nobody'll ever know the difference.
Noel: Liam! Don't use...
[Doorbell rings.]
Noel: Another guest! I wonder who this is.
[He opens the door. The Jackson 5 are standing there.]
Noel: The Jackson 5? I mean, you guys are great, but I don't remember inviting you. I hardly know you.
Michael Jackson: [in a high-pitched voice (I mean even more high-pitched than usual)] We just thought we'd stop by and say hello!
Tito Jackson: [also high-pitched] Yeah, we've always wanted to talk with you, girlfriend! I mean, man!
Noel: Girlfriend?
Jermaine Jackson: [very squeaky] Yeah! Right on! Girl Power! Oops.
Noel: The Spice Girls! Scram!
[Noel slams the door on the Spice Girls/Jacksons]
Noel: I can't believe these people.
[There is a crash from the backyard.]
Noel: Keith?! Watch out for the patio furniture!
Keith: Sdkflakdjf lksdjflskjflkj laksowieiwu enndmnvais wivcdkfsa wofickvikd aksdfkdsl jfjf.
Mick: Keef says, "Oops."
Noel: Is that what that was. Amazing.
["Ding-dong" says the doorbell.]
Noel: This had better be somebody who's actually invited.
Paul McCartney: Hello, Noel. I like Oasis!
Noel: Um, hello Paul. That's good!
Paul: Just wanted to get the record straight. You can quote me on that if you want, you know. Quote all of us!
Noel: That's...okay. Wow. Paul, George and Ringo. It's great to have you guys here.
Paul: Thanks, Noel. I really, really like Oasis!
Noel: I believe you.
Ringo Starr: The press has been asking him that a lot lately, Noel. It's a touchy subject with us, you being a tribute band and all, and Paul just never wants to offend anybody. Just humor him.
Noel: Oh. You guys don't have to say you like us just to make me happy, or make the public happy.
George Harrison: Well that's good, 'cause I already said you sucked. Here's your present!
Noel: Um, thanks.
Paul: He didn't mean that! We like Oasis! A lot!
Noel: I get the point! If you guys want to go on out to the backyard, Mick and Keith are out there, and there's a bar...well, there was one. They've been back there a while. You can go check, though.
Ringo: Great! Come on, George.
[There is a sitar riff and George Harrison floats by on a magic carpet.]
Noel: Woah. Cool.
[Cue the doorbell.]
Noel: I don't know how many more guests I can handle. And I've only got 5 so far.
[The President of the United States of America.]
Noel: The President of the United States of America!?
[You heard me.]
Bill: Hello there, Noel. I just thought I'd drop by from the White House and come to your little party. So....I'll just come in now.
[The President tries to rush the door.]
Noel: Hold on! What's your daughter's name?
Bill: My...ummmm....Hillary?
Noel: If I have to tell you to get lost one more time, Damon, I'll drag you in here, tie you to a chair and make you listen to one of George's Ravi Shankar CDs!
Damon: I'm going, I'm going!
[Exit Damon.]
[Doorbell.]
Noel: [flinging open the door] Damon, I said....Your Majesty!
The Queen: Good evening, Noel. Get up. You're kneeling on the royal dress.
Noel: Oh. Sorry. I wasn't expecting you, your Majesty.
The Queen: Well, we were having a slow night at the palace, so we thought we'd drop by.
[Noel looks over the Queen's shoulder. Nope, there's nobody else there with her.]
Noel:Oh. Well, let me take this opportunity to thank you. All. Please, make....yourselves at home.
The Queen: No, no, we really must be on our way. Here's your present. Good night.
Noel: Thanks again!....everybody!
[Shuts the door.]
Noel: How nice. A present from the Queen.
["Ding-dong."]
Noel: Coming!
[He opens the door. There is a mime standing there.]
Mime:...................
[The mime is immediately, horribly killed by Noel with a hockey stick and a blunt spoon.]
Noel: Well, that was fun. What next, I wonder.
[Doorbell rings, that's what.]
Noel: [looking out the door but not seeing anyone] Hello? Who's there?
[Noel feels a tugging on his pants leg.]
Voice: Hey, man! Down here!
Noel: What are you!
Voice: What am I? I'm Little Penny!
[Editor's Note: Those of you who have never seen the Nike commercials for basketball shoes with Penny Hardaway from the Orlando Magic and the little puppet guy called Little Penny will just have to picture a 6-inch-tall, walking, talking puppet that looks like Penny Hardaway.]
Noel: Little Penny?
Little Penny: That's right. By the way, there's a dead mime on your doorstep.
Noel: Oh that. I mean...what? What mime? There isn't a mime there!
[Grabs Little Penny and drags him inside.]
Little Penny: This is a nice pad you got here.
Noel: Thanks. Nice shoes.
Little Penny: You like 'em? I could get you a deal with Spike Lee! [sits down on the couch] Hey, Noel. Is this couch real leather? 'Cause it's stickin' to my legs.
Noel: Umm, why don't you go into the backyard, Little Penny.
Little Penny: Just call me L.P. Don't mind if I do.
[Exit L.P. to the backyard.]
Mick: [from the backyard] What on Earth is that!?
L.P.: [from the backyard] Don't make me whip up on you, fool. Now help me up onto that barstool.
[Over the course of the early morning the rest of the guests arrive. Mainly friends and family that none of us would have any business knowing, so why mention them? We now join Noel in the living room opening his presents.]
Noel: This first one's from Mick and Keith.
Keith: Skflkdj fakvmoeii ivfiwnmd.
Noel: Shut up, Keith.
[Noel opens the present.]
Noel: Wow...an empty bottle. Thanks, guys.
Mick: Well, that was a really good bottle of champagne, but your bar ran out and Keef got a little thirsty...
Noel: Oh.
Mick: But! We also have another gift for you!
Noel: Goody.
Mick: We bestow upon you, Noel Gallagher, the gift of being able to stay in the music business til you're really old like us.
Noel: Well, that could come in handy. Thanks. Now for Paul, George and Ringo's.
[Opens the present.]
Noel: Oh. It's an autographed Linda McCartney "Cooking With Chia-Pet Sprouts" cookbook. Thanks. Oh, and there's even a card: "To Noel. Happy Birthday. We honestly, really, really, like Oasis! Love, Paul, George and Ringo."
Ringo: But that's not all!
Noel: The suspense is killing me.
Ringo: We bestow upon you, Noel Gallagher, the gift of being able to stay a band and get along with each other for all times. Until, of course, your lead singer marries some Japanese impressionist/artist who sits around in your studio all day, but that goes without saying.
Noel: We'll just hope that doesn't happen. Here's one from the Queen.
[Noel opens the Royal Present.]
Noel: Wow! It's John Lennon's MBE! How thoughtful of....them. Wait'll Liam sees this!
George: Hey, Little Penny! Didn't you get Noel a present?
L.P.: Ummm....yeah! Um, sure I did! I, um, bestow upon you....what was your name?....oh yeah. Upon you, Noel Gallywagger, the, uh, ability to, uh...jump really high!
Noel: Great. I'm sure I'll use that a lot. Well, who's ready for cake? I'll get Liam, it should be done by now. Liam!! Bring the cake!
[The kitchen door flies open and a giant river of doughy cake mix come pouring into the room.]
Noel: Run for your lives!
[Everyone runs out of the house and into the yard. The cake river breaks the front windows and comes flowing out the front door. Liam flops into the yard out of the middle of the cake mix.]
Noel: Liam! I told you not to use baking powder!
Liam: No, the doorbell rang before you could finish telling me not to. I think there's enough cake here for everyone, though!
Noel: And who's that!?
Liam: Oh! I want you to meet this great girl I met earlier! Her name's Kyoko Ono. She's a Japanese impressionist/artist! I told her she could come down and sit in the studio with us tomorrow!
[And so we leave Noel and his fabulous birthday party, and reflect on how good it is to not be famous.]

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