I was sitting one fine morning in my beautifully furnished living room when all of a sudden a huge crash came thundering through the house. It was the sound of a car screeching to a halt then speeding away immediately, my thoughts were cast to my precious flamingo garden ornament which I had nurtured on my front lawn for fifteen years. In that time it had grown to be part of the family. I started sweating and shaking as I walked towards the door to see what had happened. When I reached the door an immense thumping feeling pounded at my chest. The flamingo was gone, kidnapped. Those bastards

I immediately called the police but they said there was nothing they could do. So, I hung up the phone and sulked in the corner for a few hours, reminiscing over all the great times me and the flamingo had had during our long and fruitful relationship.

A few weeks had past without a word from the kidnappers, I was starting to fear for my flamingos life. But then one morning, a loud knock at the door echoed through the house. I immediately sprinted for the door. I opened it only to find a letter addressed to "the resident" I opened it and inside were pages of cut out letters all stuck together, it read.

"I HAVE KIDNAPPED YOUR LOVELY PINK FLAMINGO, I DO NOT WANT ANY MONEY, AND YOU MAY NOT GET HIM BACK ALIVE!! SIGNED, MR_E"

After reading this frightening letter I really had no idea of what to do. So I rang the cops and pleaded with them to file a missing persons report. I got my way and the report was written

HEIGHT - 1metre

COMPLEXION - Pink

WEIGHT - 20 kilograms

DISTINGUISHING FEATURES - Long neck and Wings

ANSWERS TO THE NAME - Flammy

The coppers said it was weird and they'd keep their eyes out for anything matching the description. They also said to keep them updated on any new evidence.

Over the next few days I sat at the telephone waiting and waiting for the police to call. It had been over three weeks now and I was still holding a slim hope for Flammy's safety.

Then suddenly at about four o'clock one morning a loud banging noise emanated from my front door. It was identical to the one just a couple of weeks ago.

I ran down the stairs and opened my font door to find a photo album. I had no idea of what to expect. I opened the first page and on the front cover it said "the pink flamingos trip to the USA." I quickly opened the next page to find many pictures of my garden ornament in plane flying to Los Angeles. Then, there were a few pictures of my flamingo at Iniversal Studio a, Disneyland and even at the superbowl. The superbowl was quite humorous because Flammy was eating a hotdog. I flicked over a few more pages. My flamingo went to the Grand Canyon, the baseball, The Statue Of Liberty, The Golden Gate Bridge, Alkatraz, The Empire State Building, a subway in L.A. and even visited the set of Baywatch. Where he was photographed with Pamela Anderson.

I was so amazed by all the places where my flamingo had been that I didn't even realise he was standing in my front yard. But when I did I ran over to him and I gave him a great big bear hug.

After all the hysteria had calmed down I decided to profit from my ordeal. So I rang Womans Weekly magazine and sold my incredible story of survival for around twenty five thousand dollars. It was the lead story in the October issue. And, apparently, it was the only time a flamingo had ever hit the front cover of a Womans Weekly magazine. He Truly is a cover girl.

There were about half a dozen us all huddled together in the fridge, and the frost was forming on the side of the tin can. We were freezing our kidney bean butts off in there, and our little huddle was becoming more and more ineffective as the temperature plummeted below zero.

We’d been standing together for over an hour now, and you could hear the left overs from last night’s dinner complaining about the cold. This was when I overheard the leader of the can, Malicious, talking to his latest girlfriend Hobgoblin. They seemed to be talking about an escape later on today. My assumption was later confirmed, when Malicious decided to part from the group and make an announcement. This bonded the group together. He announced the plans for the operation. About half way through the speech the lid lifted from the top of the can and another bean was thrust on the top of the pack. It was Kidni, the funniest bean in the can. “Where has Kidni been?” everyone whispered. But there was no reply from the mangled Kidni, because his head was bitten off. Malicious continued to talk, as well as look for his arm in the shivering crowd. The plan was to leave at approximately 1600 hours, with the aid of the eggs and vegetables. Malicious wrapped up his pre-escape briefing and we all tried to applaud, but it was impossible.

We’d been standing together for over an hour now and you could hear the left over chicken dinner start to complain about the cold freezing their feathers. It was time to make our move, and we were just waiting for the decoy milk to spill itself on the floor and the potato salad to lift its lid. The tension was high and Malicious was at the front of the pack with Hobgoblin, anticipating the signal from the potato salad. “Splash,” the milk had spilt and the potato salad had lifted the lid Malicious made his way out of the fridge and towards the celery slippery dips. The stampede of kidney beans bottle necked down the sticks of celery and caused bean jam. There wasn’t much time to get from the fridge to the Milo tin, but they were more than half way there.

Their estimated time was up and there were still beans pouring out of the fridge. “THUD”, the door slammed shut and a shower of beans fell over the scampering survivors. The surviving group began a roll call behind the Milo tin and counted the number of missing beans. Everyone was accounted for minus a few limbs here and there, except for one bean, the missing bean was Kidni. The bruised and battered Kidni couldn’t make it out in time and was squashed in the door of the fridge. Because Kidni bean was such a funny and friendly bean they decided to give him a memorial service in the fruit bowl, then a parade past the fruit and vegetables.