Worthless Reflections: Santa Claus

DISCLAMER: If you happen to believe in the magic of Christmas.. leave now or you will be seriously disappointed..

Now, as we all know, I have too much time on my hands and the following analysis of Santa Claus seems futile simply because of the fact it is all simple knowledge.. but as simple as it may be, I have yet to run across any lists and reasoning that is similar..

Did you ever notice how Christmas is the most fucked up holiday of the year? The whole basis of this festive celebration seems to revolve the concept of harmless deceit.. Many parents teach their children that lying is a bad thing to do, but doesn't it seem odd how every year, about the end of December, they pause in their practice of what they preach? ..

Santa Claus, one of the most unlikely tales to tickle our fancies is told to the impressionable youth of the world. Parents who participate in this, are well aware that they are violating a bond of trust and run a risk of traumatizing their children into a constant suspicion of everyone that they know for the rest of their lives... After all, If you can't trust your parent's, who can you trust?..

Now, I can't say for sure but I am under the impression that Santa is only a fabricated lie, carried on to leave children with a false sense of hope and an active imagination..(which many adults discourage anyway).. The following are some reasons why I believe Santa can't possibly preform all the tasks which are bestowed upon him:

1. Santa cannot visit every house in the world and find time to sit down, read a couple letters, eat a few cookies and deliver gifts all in a single night.
Why you ask?
Simply because of a lack of time.. Even if you were to calculate time zones and the such, it seems that he is just a few years short of the required amount..

2. It seems to me that Santa may have a slight problem using chimneys as an entrance and exit to each house..
Why you ask?
For one thing, it seems highly improbable that an over-weight man wearing a multitude of clothing to keep warm could possibly slide down a chimney, and after eating all those cookies, how could he get back up? I know for sure that not every house in the world has a chimney.. especially those huts in third world countries.. This however is avoidable.. and I must say, I was convinced when my parents left the back door unlocked in order to ease Santa's burdens..

3. Not too many roofs can support a sleigh full of toys and 8-9 reindeer..
Why you ask?
Don't ask stupid questions..

4. Many reinder cannot fly..
Why you ask?
because reindeer don't have wings..

Now, let us suppose for a moment Santa does exist.. All of his presupposed idiosyncracies must be overcome somehow.. and, what did we hear from our parent or guardian when we questioned the fat man's powers? "It's magic, honey".. Magick indeed.. and those of us who know anything..::sarcastically::..know that all magick must come from the devil himself..(please spare me the, "You are unoriginal" comments) Thats right.. Santa is the Devil himself..

1. Satan and Santa both have the same letters..
2. They both wear red and black..
3. They both lurk in people's houses when it is least expected..
4. Pure evil is when you sneak around and peer through slightly cracked doors at sleeping children..
5. They only come out at night..
6. They are both extremely generous.. but there are strings attached..
7. Very few people have actually seen them..
8. They both have stong ties to Christianity..
9. Old Nick(Satan).. and St. Nick(Santa)..
10. They both live in extremely temperate locales..

Just a few closing questions to ponder this holiday morning/night when you open your gifts:

Wouldn't someone notice in there were reindeer prancing around the roof?

Where does Santa shop?.. He must be rich or something, because it is illegal for his elves to reproduce trademarked goods and I'm sure that his special mall appearances to earn him that much money..

How does he get all the presents into the sleigh?..

While he's flying around at top speed, how does Santa's hat stay on?

If a gift were to fall out of the sleigh, would Santa go back and get it, or mutter, "oh well.. tough shit for Tommy.. I'm late!"?

Is Santa immortal, or it is like royalty and when one dies, another takes the reigns?..

Supposing the North pole had electricity and Santa got a space heater to keep his place warm, wouldn't the ice on which his house is built, melt?..

How in the hell could Rudolph's nose light the way for such a hazardous mission without hooking him up to a battery and installing a 20,000 candlewatt system into his face?..

Better yet, how could a reindeer's nose glow, without reconstructional surgery anyway?..

Why in god's name would anybody take the time to think up such reasons for one of the world's most transparent lies?..

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