Cookie Rivalry:
The Scenario: Noel Gallagher bought a chocolate chip cookie and left it sitting on a table in the recording studio. He wrote a note warning everyone not to eat his cookie, but when he came back the cookie was gone! Noel, never one to give up his cookies without a fight, confronted the other band members about the incident, which lead to one of the stupidest arguments in Oasis history.
NOEL: How do you feel about the fact that, already, someone has eaten my chocolate chip cookie?
LIAM: I didn't eat it, me. Cause at the end of the day, if I've been eating junk food, I go home and get a clip off me wife. And I do. Patsy clips me round the head and goes, "Look what you've done, you spoiled your dinner!".
NOEL: Did you get a clip last night?
LIAM: Oh yeah, I get it all the time. She looks at me and goes, "Stop eating so much junk food, you fuckin' daft bastard". Know what I mean?
NOEL: Cause you've got a reputation for having a sweet tooth...
LIAM: Look, Gem was the one hovering over your cookie. He probably snatched it when nobody was looking.
NOEL: Woah. Hang on a minute. Gem wouldn't eat my cookie.
LIAM: He would.
NOEL: Eating someone else's cookie is not something Gem would even think about.
LIAM: Alright. Well if you're so sure that Gem didn't eat your cookie, why don't you go confront him and smell his breath? It'll smell like a chocolate chip cookie and then you'll know that I'm right.
NOEL: You're only gutted 'cos you ate my cookie and you know it was wrong to do that...
LIAM: Not at all. Here's a quote for you from Gem, when he saw you're cookie...
NOEL: Stop lying...don't tell another lie
LIAM: Shut up, you dick. You left your cookie on the table with a note saying not to eat it. Gem comes in and starts talking about how good the cookie looks and how hungry he is. Well, I left the room for a minute and when I came back both Gem and the cookie were gone.
NOEL: Shut up! Shut up! What the fuck are you doing? You think it's right to tell these lies about Gem...
LIAM: No I don't. It's the truth.
NOEL: Shut up. You think it's right to make up lies in order to protect yourself...
LIAM: I don't.
NOEL: Shut up, man! You think it's right to lie about Gem. Do you know what I say? I say, You saw my cookie, you thought it looked good, and eventhough you knew it was mine you ate it anyway. Not Gem. You're telling lies about him, and I won't stand for it. And listen, you haffta go buy me a new cookie.
LIAM: I won't at all. You can stick your cookie right up yer arse 'till it comes out your fuckin' big toe.
(When Liam retires to the toilet, Noel goes off to find Gem and asks him about the cookie incident.)
NOEL: I'm not gonna accuse you of eating my cookie, but Liam said you're the one who ate it. And I wanna hear your side of the story, right, 'cos I wanna find out what happened to my cookie. I bought that chocolate chip cookie for myself. I love chocolate chip cookies. No one else shoulda taken it.
GEM: I didn't eat it, you dickhead! Nobody ate your stupid cookie.
NOEL: Nobody ate it? Well fuckin' where the fuck did it go? Somebody ate it, and now they're gonna have to deal with me.
GEM: Eeyare! Wooah!
NOEL: Shut up! Shut up! I was defending you before, but...now I'm not so sure. Maybe it did happen the way Liam said. He said, "I'm sick of being blamed for taking the cookie. The last person I saw with it was Gem." I shouldn't have left that cookie on the table. I should've known something like this would happen. And you were the last person near that cookie...
GEM: That's bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit!
NOEL: Shut the fuck up. What you've been ranting on about is bullshit to me.
GEM: If you think I ate that cookie...
NOEL: I don't know if you ate that cookie. Liam said if I smell your breath it'll still smell like a chocolate chip cookie.
GEM: Fine, smell away! (Breathes into Noel's face)
NOEL: It doesn't smell like chocolate, it doesn't smell like a cookie, but it does smell like mint. I think you're trying to hide something?
GEM: Just because my breath smells minty fresh that does not mean I'm trying to hide something!
NOEL: Why the fuck did you use Scope, then?
GEM: Who's talking about Scope?
NOEL: Your breath smells like Scope mouth wash. Or maybe it's Listerine. You used one of 'em.
GEM: I did not.
NOEL: Would your breath smell that good if you hadn't?
GEM: Would it fuck! My breath always smells that good!
NOEL: (Super-indignant) What? You're saying that your breath always smells minty-fresh? Fuck off! Bullshit! Bullshit!
GEM: Just cause my breath smells like mouth wash you think I'm trying to cover up the cookie smell?
NOEL: Yes, you dickhead.
GEM: I didn't eat your cookie! Someone else from the band ate your cookie!
NOEL: What are you going on about? Did you see what happened to my cookie? Do you want to tell me who really ate it? Are you gonna snitch on the real cookie thief?
GEM: Not at all.
NOEL: Either you tell me who really took it, or I'm just gonna assume it was you and then you'll haffta buy me a new cookie.
GEM: I won't at all. I don't even know who ate the cookie.
NOEL: That's not what you said a minute ago, you prick! You said someone else from the band ate the cookie! You said someone else ate the cookie!
GEM: I was laughing about it. And as far as I'm concerned, I'm into it. I'm not gonna tell you who ate it. I laugh about it and I think, Yeah, fuckin' good, man. He'll never know what happened to his precious cookie. That's reality, mate.
NOEL: You're covering for someone. Aren't you? The band is about music. It's not about eating other people's cookies. Nobody should've eaten my cookie! (Exasperatedly) Why don't you just tell me who ate it?
GEM: 'Cos I don't want to. If I did, there's nothing would stop me.
NOEL: I bet it was Andy! He probably joined this band just so he could take my cookie! Was it or wasn't it Andy?
GEM: I'm not telling you who ate it. Why don't you go and ask Andy for yourself, then? Why don't you go bother him? Go ask Andy!
NOEL: I don't want to do that. If I wanted to do it, I'd just go like that and do it and do it. But I don't want to do that. I'm not about that.
GEM: What are you about?
NOEL: I'm about being...I'm about going down the fuckin'...I'm about finding out who ate my cookie. That's what I'm about.
GEM: Right. That's what you're about. Well I didn't eat your cookie, so go bother someone else about it. You're making too big of a deal about it.
NOEL: I'm not.
GEM: You are. You keep talking about your chocolate chip cookie. 70 per cent of what you've been talking about today has been your stupid little lost cookie. Just take your stupid cookie nonsense, and go and fuckin' blow it.
ALAN: (Walks in) Sit down, man. Sit down. You two are getting into a state. What's the problem?
NOEL: The thing is, he ate my chocolate chip cookie!
ALAN: (Looks at Gem) Did you?
GEM: No. I didn't.
NOEL: Well, maybe he didn't eat it, but as far as I'm concerned, if he's not the one who ate it, then he at least knows who ate it and he won't admit it.
GEM: Fine. Alan ate your damn cookie.
ALAN: I didn't eat it.
GEM: You did eat it.
NOEL: Well, somebody ate it. I want to know the truth right now. And I wanna know what happened to my cookie.
ALAN: So what you're trying to say, right, what you're trying to say, you're trying to say, right, that just cause he said I ate it, yeah, that I'm supposed to go and buy you a new cookie?
NOEL: I'm just trying to find out who ate my cookie and whoever ate it has to get me a new one. Now, if you didn't eat it, then do you know who did?
ALAN: Do you know?
NOEL: I don't, but do you?
ALAN: Yeah.
NOEL: Well, tell me. Who was it? Was it Andy?
ALAN: No. It was Gem.
GEM: You're lying.
ALAN: I'm not.
GEM: You ate it, Alan. Just admit it.
ALAN: Right. Whatever. Remember, I was all the way across town this morning, and I didn't even know Noel had a cookie. So shut the fuck up about me eating the cookie.
GEM: Well what are you trying to say then? I know I didn't eat it and Liam said he didn't eat it, and Andy isn't even around, so he didn't eat it. So, who ate it?
ALAN: I don't know! Who cares, anyway?
NOEL: Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! It's all about the cookie!
GEM: You're getting hung up about a situation concerning a cookie!
NOEL: Let's go back to where we were, trying to figure out who ate my cookie. You're up for that?
ALAN: There are bakeries all over England, right now, whether it be in Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, London, Leeds, Liverpool, Sheffield...wonderful bakeries. And they've all got lots more cookies. Go buy another and get on with your life.
GEM: Exactly. So shut the fuck up, Noel! You're getting on all of our nerves with this cookie nonsense. Just go buy another.
NOEL: But the cookie I bought this morning was the perfect cookie, right, and that's the cookie I want, that's what I'm about. I'm not going to fuck off because you think my views on cookies are too outrageous or whatever. I've got my vibe, and I am very particular about what cookies I do and don't eat, and I want my chocolate chip cookie back! That's what it's all about. Nothing can ever replace that cookie.
GEM: Do you have any recurring dreams?
NOEL: What's that have to do with my cookie?
GEM: Well, nothing, but isn't that how these Wibbling Rivalry things are supposed to end?