DINNER RIVALRY

The scenario: Liam comes home from a hard day's rehearsal to find that Patsy has attempted to cook dinner for him. At first he is very pleased, because she has never shown any signs of doing work before. But then he finds that the turkey is dry & burnt, the mashed potatoes are lumpy, the gravy resembles slime, and the noodles are all thick & pasty and clumped together. He refuses to eat the dinner, upsetting Patsy & causing a huge argument.

PATSY: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FACT THAT I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY PREPARING THIS MEAL FOR YOU AND NOW YOU REFUSE TO EAT IT?

LIAM: THERE'S NO WAY I'M EATING THAT, ME. AT THE END OF THE DAY, I COME HOME & THE LAST THING I WANT IS YOUR COOKING. WHO ON EARTH TAUGHT YOU TO COOK, YOU LITTLE TINKER?

PATSY: I TAUGHT MYSELF, AND I THINK I DID I FINE JOB. YOU JUST DON'T APPRECIATE GOOD HOME COOKING. I BET YOUR MOM NEVER COOKED A MEAL FOR YOU.

LIAM: OH YEAH, SHE DID ALL THE TIME. SHE WAS THE BEST COOK IN THE WORLD AND SHE STILL IS. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

PATSY: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY COOKING. JUST TRY MY GRAVY...

LIAM: I DON'T LIKE THE WAY IT'S BUBBLING UP. IT'S REMINDING ME OF CAFATERIA FOOD ALL OVER AGAIN. I DON'T LIKE THAT, ME.

PATSY: ALRIGHT. WELL IF YOU'RE PROUD ABOUT MAKING FUN OF YOUR OWN WIFE'S COOKING, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BACK & LIVE WITH YER MUM AND GET THE HECK OUT OF MY LIFE AND GO BE A LITTLE MAMMA'S BOY? YOUR MY HUSBAND, RIGHT? NOT A MAMMA'S BOY.

LIAM: YOU'RE ONLY GUTTED 'COS YOU CAN'T COOK AS GOOD AS ME MUM.

PATSY: NO I'M NOT.

LIAM: SHUT UP. YOU THINK IT'S RIGHT TO FORCE ME TO EAT GARBAGE...

PATSY: I DON'T.

LIAM: SHUT UP, WOMAN! YOU THINK IT'S RIGHT TO FORCE ME TO EAT THIS GARBAGE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY? I SAY THAT I'M NOT GOING TO EAT IT BCAUSE IT'S UTTER CRAP, AND I WON'T STAND FOR IT. AND LISTEN, YOU BURNT THAT TURKEY AND I REFUSE TO PUT ANYTHING IN MY MOUTH THAT BLACK & CRISPY.

PATSY: I DIDN'T AT ALL. BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED YOU CAN JUST STICK THE TURKEY UP YER BUTT TILL IT COMES OUT YER BIG TOE.

LIAM: I'M NOT UP FOR BEING SEEN AS A BAD HUSBAND, I'M JUST NOT UP FOR EATING BAD FOOD. NOW I'M NOT EATING YOUR FOOD & THAT'S FINAL. IF YOU WANNA BE HELPFUL GO GET ME A DRINK, 'COS I LIKE DRINKING. I LOVE IT. I'M INTO IT.

PATSY: I WON'T GET YOU A DRINK, YOU LAZY BUMB!

LIAM: YOU WON'T GET ME A DRINK? WELL WHAT KIND OF WIFE ARE YOU? NOW I'VE HAD BAD FOOD BEFORE, IT WENT RIGHT IN MY STOMACH AND I DEALT WITH IT...BUT I JUST DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE YOUR COOKING. JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A LOUSY COOK & GET ME A DRINK.

PATSY: IF YOU THINK THAT AFTER INSULTING ME I'M GONNA GO GET YOU A DRINK...

LIAM: NEVERMIND, THEN. I'LL GET IT MYSELF. I'LL GO INTO THAT KITCHEN, I'LL GET MY OWN DRINK, AND THAT WILL BE IT.

PATSY: ATLEAST TRY MY POTATOES LIAM. TRY THEM TRY THEM. TRY THEM.

LIAM: WHERE THE HECK ARE THEY THEN?

PATSY: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHERE ARE THEY???!! THEY'RE RIGHT THERE IN THAT BOWL!!!

LIAM: THOSE ARE POTATOES?!!

PATSY: OFCOURSE THEY ARE! THEY'RE THE BEST BOWL OF MASHED POTATOES EVER MADE, OR ONE OF 'EM.

LIAM: THEY'RE NOT. THEY AREN'T EVEN THE RIGHT COLOR.

PATSY: SO WHAT IF THEY'RE A LITTLE DARK? THAT'S WHY THEY'RE SO GOOD!

LIAM: (SUPER-INDIGNANT) WHAT? 'COS THEY'RE BROWN? BECAUSE YOUR MASHED POTATOES ARE BROWN THEY'RE GOOD? BULLSH**! BULLSH**!

PATSY: BUT THEY HAVE SUMMAT ELSE THERE...

LIAM: THEY HAVE WHAT? LUMPS? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

PATSY: THEY'VE GOT STYLE. MY POTATOES ARE BETTER THAN ANYBODY'S. EVEN BETTER THAN YOUR MOTHER'S. SO WHAT IF THEY AREN'T THE RIGHT COLOR. YOU KNOW THEY LOOK GOOD. YOU JUST THINK IT'S RIGHT TO MAKE FUN OF MY COOKING AND IT'S NOT.

LIAM: I'M JUST LAUGHING ABOUT IT. AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, I'M INTO IT. YOUR FOOD IS CRAPPY LOOKING. ADMIT THAT YOU MADE A TERRIBLE DINNER. IT HAPPENED. THAT'S REALITY, MATE.

PATSY: I'M NOT A PROFFESIONAL CHEF. AM I? I TRIED HARD TO MAKE YOU A GOOD MEAL. YOU COULD ATLEAT SHOW SOME APPRECIATION FOR MY EFFORT. (EXASPERATEDLY) WHY WON'T YOU JUST TRY IT?

LIAM: 'COS I DON'T WANT TO. IF I DID, THERE'S NOTHING WOULD STOP ME.

PATSY: WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE MY COOKING? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK?

LIAM: YOU DON'T.

PATSY: YOU DON'T THINK I CAN COOK. -BUT CAN YOU COOK, LIAM?

LIAM: YEAH.

PATSY: WELL, YOU CAN'T BE THAT GOOD. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN COOKING FOR? A COUPLE YEARS?

LIAM: NO. ABOUT ****ING THOUSAND AND FIVE ****ING YEARS.

PATSY: YOU'RE ONLY 26.

LIAM: I'M 25.

PATSY: RIGHT. AND REMEMBER, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR A COUPLE YEARS, AND I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU COOK. SO SHUT THE HECK UP ABOUT KNOWING HOW TO COOK.

LIAM: YOU'RE GETTING HUNG UP ABOUT A STUPID TURKEY DINNER!

PATSY: FINE, I GIVE UP. I GUESS I CAN'T FORCE YOU TO EAT THIS DINNER. BUT TOMORROW I'M GONNA COOK SOMETHING ELSE & YOU BETTER EAT IT.

LIAM: HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GONNA COOK LIKE THIS?

PATSY: EVERY DAY.

LIAM: THERE'S NO WAY I CAN MANAGE TO EAT YOUR MEALS.

PATSY: DO YOU HAVE ANY RECURRING DREAMS?

LIAM: YEAH. JUST THE ONE.

PATSY:WHAT?

LIAM: (Menacingly) THAT YOU NEVER ATTEMPT TO COOK AGAIN. MAIN_PAGE