Liam's Big Mouth

Liam's Creek: Episode #2: Liam's Big Mouth

LIAM: Noel, would you please pass the potatoes?

NOEL: Yeah, here.

LIAM: Man, all this food looks fookin' great. I've gotta hand it to our caterers; they're tops.

NOEL: Yeah.

LIAM: (shoves a huge spoonful of potatoes into his mouth; they fall out as he trys to talk) Man, I'm mad fer these potatoes. Just the right blend of fookin' butter and fookin' herbs. Mad fer it.

NOEL: Uh-huh.

LIAM: Oh, these are scrumptious.

NOEL: Could you just shut up and eat?

LIAM: I'm just saying, these are damn good potatoes. (shoves another spoonful in his mouth) I mean, have you ever...

NOEL: Stop carrying on about the fookin' potatoes!

LIAM: (Picks up his turkey drumstick) Oh, now this looks good. Have you ever seen a drumstick that looks this good, Noel? I never have! I mean, it could win an award for like the best fookin' looking turkey drumstick that ever was made.

NOEL: Just eat it, would ya?

LIAM: (Rips into it, tearing off a huge piece of meat, and then chews it extremely loudly)

NOEL: Man, Liam..could you please chew with your mouth closed?

LIAM: What? Do you have a problem with the way I eat, huh?

NOEL: Yeah I have a problem with the way you eat! (picks up his turkey drumstick and starts mimicking Liam) Man this is good turkey. Yummy in my tummy! (starts chewing it like a pig)

LIAM: Oh, fook off! I don't act like that when I eat.

NOEL: Don't you?

LIAM: No, I don't. Now, would you kindly pass the corn on the cob?

NOEL: Hell no. Judging by the way you've been eating everything else, seeing you eat corn on the cob is one sight I can do without, thank you very much.

LIAM: I'll eat whatever I very well please!

NOEL: How do you expect me to take this, Liam? I've been putting up with your poor eating habits for far too long and frankly, I don't think I can take it anymore. It's breaking me apart.

LIAM: You've never told me that you felt this way before.

NOEL: I tried to ignore it; I really did. But it's just all been building up inside of me. All the noise, all the carrying on. Why can't you just eat a meal like a normal person?

LIAM: I thought I did.

NOEL: Not unless a normal person is supposed to eat like a wild beast.

LIAM: Is it that bad?

NOEL: It's beyond bad and I just don't think I can put up with it anymore. Being on the road with you is just so hard because you're always eating and your eating habits are appalling. I can't put up with it anymore. I'm going to have to go back home to England; I have to escape the nightmare of watching you eat.

LIAM: No..don't. I'll change. I'll eat right.

NOEL: For me?

LIAM: For the band.

NOEL: I'm proud of you Liam.

LIAM: Now, would you please pass the corn?

NOEL: Gladly.

LIAM: (starts eating..at first he is eating silently, but then he unkowingly reverts back to his old eating habits after only seconds)

NOEL: Liam!

LIAM: What?

NOEL: You said you wouldn't eat like that anymore.

LIAM: I'm not.

NOEL: You are!

LIAM: I am?

NOEL: My God, you don't even realize when you're doing it! Do you see what this means?

LIAM: What, what?

NOEL: You're out of control! You're beyond help.

LIAM: No! No! (falls to the ground, pulling the table cloth down with him and all the food crashes to the floor)

NOEL: I can't deal with this. I can't. I'm leaving.

LIAM: But Noel..you can't!

NOEL: Goodbye Liam. Your eating habits are more than I can tolerate. I'm only one man, you know.

LIAM: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Why God? Why? (pause) Oohh, vegetable medley! (continues eating as Noel walks out of the room and out on the band)

Wow, what a thrilling epsiode! Now we all know that Noel didn't quit the tour because of Liam's drinking; it was because of Liam's eating!

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