This Wibbling Rivalry Parody was written by Nicole. Thank you, Nicole, for submitting your parody to my page!!
Scenario: Liam, Noel, and Damon from Blur have somehow managed to strike up a conversation without feeling the need to deck each other. As you may know, both Oasis and Blur have made some very um, original videos over the years, and the three find themselves arguing about whose were better and whatnot.
Noel: How do you feel about the fact that, already, Oasis and Blur have attracted a reputation for making weird, out-there music videos?
Damon: I’m into it, me. But at the end of the day we look at the video we just made and I get a clip off the other band members. And I do. They clip me round the head and go, “Why’d you come up with that idea, you little tinker?”
Liam: Did you get a clip after “Coffee and TV”?
Damon: Oh yeah, I get it all the time. They look at me and go, “You fuckin’ daft bastard. You have the stupidest ideas.” Know what I mean?
Noel: It’s a reputation, right, that you... Damon: I like the way it’s bubbling up. It’s reminding me of Tarantino all over again. I like that, me. I wanna get 2000 directors in a nice gaff who are all there to see me. I wanna be there...
Liam: Woah. Hang on a minute. That’s not what he’s on about, is it?
Noel: He is.
Liam: He’s on about making stupid music videos, about getting thrown to the bloody walls with loud music, and milk cartons. Getting blasted to the walls and killing a milk carton isn’t summat that I would be proud about.
Damon: Well I am, la.
Noel: Alright. Well, if you’re proud about making milk cartons prance about town just to be crushed and thrown away, why don’t you go and work at the recycling center and get the fuck off MTV and go be a dustbin man? We’re musicians, right? Not trash pickers.
Damon: You’re only gutted ‘cos you was on a stupid yellow airship trying to imitate the Beatles...
Liam: Not at all. Here’s a quote from the directors of that video, Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris...
Damon: They’re fuckin’...’nother fuckin’...
Noel: Shut up, man! (points to Damon) These lot think it’s artsy to have some geezer record them playing a two-minute song so loud that they hit the walls. Do you know what our directors said to them? They said, “Nah. Artsy is having an original concept, playing your music, and having loads of computer animation to create a psychedelic utopia world.” Not standing in a drab room like some fuckin’ unoriginal club band with no talent. And listen, that milk carton idea was shite, man, real shite. Our yellow airship could beat the piss out of your dancing milk carton any day.
Damon: It wasn’t at all. You can stick your yellow airship right up yer arse till it comes out your fuckin’ big toe. (Noel retires to the toilet for a second.)
Liam: I’m not up for being seen as innovators of music video, I’m just up for the band being seen as original. And what happened at the video shoot, right, is we thought up some different ideas, and I had this brilliant idea to have us flying in an airship that looked like the Beatles’ Yellow Submarine.
Noel: (from bathroom) You didn’t come up with that idea, you dickhead! I did!
Damon: Doesn’t matter. It was shite anyway. The whole lot o’ ya were probably drunk when you made it. Well, we were too when we made the “Coffee and TV” vid, but that’s beside the point. All the lager went right in the director’s brain, and he dealt with it.
Noel: (still in bathroom) Eeyare! Wooah!
Damon: Shut up! Shut up! I’m not saying I’m proud of what happened in editing, but...that’s what happened. That’s what occured that night. We were all pissed and one of me bandmates thought it’d be a laugh to see a milk carton roam around town. And it’s like what the great director Spike Jonze said. He said, “I’m sick of all these fuckin’ music videos that don’t have any plot or storylines no more.” The last band that did it was the Beastie Boys. They’d go out to shoot a video and it had a cast of characters, a setting, wot. And that’s all it is: that’s the way we are....
(Noel has come out of the bathroom.)
Liam: That’s bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit!
Damon: Shut the fuck up. What you’ve been ranting about is bullshit to me, with your fuckin’ airship and wot.
Noel: If you think talent and art is about animating a milk carton...
Liam: Talent is about being creative. And we went in that fuckin’ studio, we had a few drinks, we made a great video and that was it.
Noel: Art is about computers. Computers. Computers. Computers. It’s not about you, it’s not about me, it’s not about the bloke behind the camera. It’s about the computer animation and graphics whizzes you have at your disposal.
Damon: What the fuck were the Beasties, then?
Liam: Who’s talking about the Beastie Boys?
Damon: They made the best fuckin’ music videos that ever came out. Or one of ‘em.
Noel: They didn’t. They made one or two halfway funny vids, then they started sucking after that fake crappy Japanese dinosaur movie spoof.
Liam: Would Aerosmith have done anything without the plots in their vids and getting Alicia Silverstone’s shirt up?
Damon: Would they fuck! That’s why they were so good!
Noel: (Super-indignant) What? ‘Cos Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler were running around half-naked flirting with guys it was a great rock ‘n’ roll video? Fuck off! Bullshit! Bullshit!
Damon: But they had summat else there...
Noel: They had what? An edge? Is that what you’re saying?
Damon: A dream, you dickhead.
Liam: We’ve got a dream! We’ve got a dream!
Damon: You haven’t if you start going on like that. (Picks up a camcorder and begins to mince up and down room) Do you want to shoot a video like that? Like that?
Noel: Not at all.
Damon: (still mincing) And get on the soundstage and go like that....
Liam: Not at all. You think it’s artsy to get a milk carton to come to life and walk around, and it’s not.
Damon: I don’t think it’s artsy.
Noel: That was your quote, you prick! It’s aaaaaaaaarrrtsy! It’s aaaaaaaaarrrtsy!
Damon: I was laughing about it. And as far as I’m concerned, I’m into it. Now I’m out of that studio and I got out of that piss bucket, I laugh about it and I think, Yeah, fuckin’ funny, man. It happened. That was reality, mate.
Liam: We’re not a bunch of directors. Are we? Making videos is about skill. It’s not about widdling pointlessly in the editing room thinking of clever but utterly stupid shit to stick in a music video.
Noel: (Exasperatedly) Why don’t you go downstairs with that video camera, take some action shots of the bar, and say you’re making a video for Blur?
Damon: ‘Cos I don’t want to. If I did, there’s nothing would stop me.
Liam: Then why don’t you go and make a scene, then? Why don’t you do a Keith Richards for your next video? Throw the TV out of the window while your last shite video is playing on it!
Damon: I don’t want to do that. If I wanted to do it, I’d just go tell the director like that and do it and do it. But I don’t want to do that. I’m not about that.
Noel: What are you about?
Damon: I’m about being...I’m about going down the fuckin’...I’m about...(takes a long slug from a milk carton) That’s what I’m about.
Noel: Right. That’s what you’re about. I’m talking about our band here.
Damon: That’s what I’m talking about.
Liam: No you’re not. You’re talking about your stupid little milk carton. Our band is about concepts. He’s just said, 70 percent of what our fans like about us is the concept of our videos, right. I’ll take the 70 percent. The 30 percent, you can go and fuckin’ blow it. Or make it the subject of your next music video, whichever you choose.
Damon: Sit down, man. Sit down. You’re getting into a state. You’ve ridden in too many yellow airships. Sit the fuck down. Noel: The thing is, you don’t have the greatest ideas in the world.
Damon: Do you?
Noel: Yeah. I do.
Damon: You might be in your little world, but as far as I’m concerned, if you think the videos our band makes are bullshit, then I think your videos are fuckin’ bullshit, man.
Liam: No. The difference is, our ideas aren’t laughed at by the general public.
Damon: So what you’re trying to say, right, what you’re trying to say, right, that I’m out in the studio, yeah, we brainstorm a few ideas, yeah, a situation arises, and I’m supposed to go like that?
Noel: What studio, where?
Liam: It doesn’t matter, really. But he’s with Blur! He’s with the band!
Damon: Nah, nah, nah. There’s no rules. Show me the rule book. ‘Cos if you’ve got a rule book, what you’re saying is complete and utter fuckin’ (picks up videocamera and holds it to mouth) Bloooarskybluh!
Noel: (whispers to Liam) He’s a fuckin’ weirdo.
Liam: You walk into the editing rooms and you get everybody at it and you go “Pssst”, knocking on people’s dressing room doors...
Damon: I’m being an artist. It’s not doing anyone any harm. Spike Jonze used to fuckin’ nit-pick at little mad things...
Noel: Do you know Spike Jonze?
Damon: Do you know him?
Noel: I don’t, but do you?
Damon: Yeah.
Noel: Well, you must be a pretty fuckin’ big shot. How many videos did he direct for you? One?
Damon: No. About fuckin’ thousand and five fuckin’ one.
Noel: He made two.
Damon: He made one.
Noel: Right. And we’ve worked with some of the best directors in the industry and I don’t even know Spike Jonze. So shut the fuck up about knowing Spike Jonze.
Damon: So what are you trying to say then? You want us to be teetotal and make boring videos and go around like that? (more mincing)
Noel: Art! Art! Art! Art! Art! Art! It’s all about art!
Liam: You wanna be Spike Jonze. Admit it.
Damon: You guys are getting hung up about a situation that occurred with a milk carton!
Noel: Because it was a shite video.
Damon: Struggling bands are sat in England, right now, in soundstages across this country, whether it be Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, London, Leeds, Liverpool, Sheffield....in rooms like this. And they’re all making shite videos. This is part of life.
Liam: Exactly. So shut the fuck up, man! You’ve had too many drinks, you don’t know what you’re on about. Let’s just leave it that we’re the best band in the world, we make the best videos in the world, and we fuckin’ hate you twats there. We fuckin’ hate you. I hope one day there’s a situation where I can smash the fuck out of you, with my fuckin’ tambourine, right on your nose, and you might do the same to me with your wannabe director video camera. ‘Cos I think we’re stepping up to it now. There’s a fuckin’ line there and we’re right on the edge of it.
Damon: How often do you plan on going on talking bollocks about your superior music videos?
Liam: Every day.
Noel: Hourly.
Damon: Fine. I’ll leave you two wankers to go make your big-budget videos. Meanwhile...the milk carton lives. Ta!
Noel: Hey Damon, ever have any recurring dreams?
Damon: Yeah. Just the one.
Liam: (Menacingly) We sweep the MTV Video Awards.