NOSE JOB RIVALRY: (a fictional spin-off of Wibbling Rivalry)
The Scenario: Patsy wants to get another nose job, but Liam feels that she has already gotten too many.
Patsy: How do you feel about the fact that I wanna get another nose job?
Liam: I'm not into it, me. Your nose doesn't need to be any smaller. You have no need to go get a plastic surgeon to clip more off your nose. And you don't. You've had enough nose jobs. Everytime the plastic surgeon clips off a piece of your nose you go, "Take some more, I want it a little thinner?".
Patsy: I haven't gotten a clip off all summer.
Liam: Oh yeah, you get it all the time. You don't have much of a nose left. There's nothing left to be taken off. Know what I mean?
Patsy: There's a little bump on the right side of my nose. I don't like the way it's bubbling up. It's reminding me of Barbra Streisand. I don't like that, me. I want to get it removed. I don't want it to be there...
Liam: Woah. Hang on a minute. There's no bump there.
Patsy: There is.
Liam: Alright. Well if you're proud about having a slit for a nose then you must be crazy. You're British, right? You're not supposed to have a small nose.
Patsy: You're only gutted 'cos you have a big f****n' nose...
Liam: Not at all. Here's a quote for you from my doctor...
Patsy: He's a f****n'...'nother f****n'...
Liam: Shut up, woman! Do you think it's healthy to get so many nose jobs? Do you know what my doctor said? He said, "Liam, make sure your wife doesn't get anymore nose jobs. Being beautiful is accepting your features as they are, making the best of what you've got, not coming back from the plastic surgeon's and saying he blew your nose away." And listen, you've already had 7 inches taken of your nose.
Patsy: I didn't at all. You can stick those 7 inches right up yer arse 'till it comes out your f****n' big toe. ...I'm not up for being seen as having too many nose jobs, I'm just up for being seen as pretty. And what happens when I go to the plastic surgeon's, right, is I get a little carried away, right, 'cos I like having a petite nose. I love it. I'm into it.
Liam: You can't even smell anymore, you butthead!
Patsy: Who can't smell? Well f****n' how the f*** did I know when to changed James' diaper when he was a baby? The smell would go right in there (points to her nose), and I'd deal with it.
Liam: That's because it was baby sh*t. Anyone can smell baby sh*t. Baby sh*t. Baby sh*t!
Patsy: Shut the f*** up. I can smell more than baby sh*t.
Liam: If you think being pretty is about having lots of plastic surgery...
Patsy: Being pretty is about taking an interest in yourself. And I went in that plastic surgeon's office, I had a few nose jobs, I had too big of a nose and I got some of it removed and that was it.
Liam: Being beautiful is about respecting yourself. Respecting yourself. Respecting yourself. Respecting yourself. Respecting yourself. It's not about obsessing over the size of your nose, it's not about getting a nose job every other week, it's not about that kind of stuff. It's about repecting yourself.
Patsy: Every pretty actress has had nose jobs. Who the f*** is Gwenyth Paltrow, then?
Liam: Who's talking about her?
Patsy: She's had more nose jobs than me.
Liam: She has not. She's had one or two of them.
Patsy: What the f***! Then why do guys go on about how pretty she is?
Liam: (Super-indignant) What? Just 'Cos she's pretty that means she's had nose jobs! That's bulls**t! Bulls**t!
Patsy: As far as I'm concerned, I'm getting another nose job. Now I'm going to go down to the plastic suregon's and get some more of my nose taken off. That's reality, mate.
Liam: You're not an alien. Are you? Why do you want a slit for a nose? Do you want to look like an alien?
Patsy: No, I don't want to look like an alien. But, if I did, there's nothing would stop me.
Liam: If you get another nose job you're going to look like one then. Why don't you just saw your nose off. Then you won't have to deal with it.
Patsy: I don't want to do that. If I wanted to do it, I'd just go like that and do it and do it. But I don't want to do that. I'm not about that.
Liam: What are you about?
Patsy: I'm about being...I'm about going down the f****n'...I'm about... (grabs her nose) That's what I'm about.
Liam: Your nose is about 70 per cent gone, right. The plastic surgeon already took off 70 per cent. And now the 30 per cent you have left, you wanna go and f****n' blow it?!
Patsy: I'll do whatever I wanna do. You don't speak for me.
Liam: I do speak for you.
Patsy: I speak for me. I'm speaking now for me. And I'm into it. I'm into all that f****n' sh*t.
Liam: You can't get another nose job 'cos you've already had too many.
Patsy: Nah, nah, nah. There's no rules. Show me the rule book. 'Cos if you've got a rule book, what you're saying is complete and utter f****n' Bloooarskybluh!
Liam: Do you even know how many nose jobs you've had?
Patsy: Do you know?
Liam: I don't, but do you?
Patsy: Yeah.
Liam: Well, you must've had a lot.
Patsy: How many do you think I've had?
Liam: About f****n' thousand and five f*****n' one (sic).
Patsy: You're wrong.
Liam: I'm right.
Patsy: People are sat in England, right now, in platstic suregeons' rooms, whether it be Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, London, Leeds, Liverpool, Sheffield...in plastic surgeons' rooms. And they're all getting nose jobs. This is part of life.
Liam: How often are you gonna get nose jobs?
Patsy: Every day if I want to. Maybe even hourly.
Liam: Do you have any recurring dreams?
Patsy: Yeah. Just the one.
Liam: (Menacingly) Your nose falls off.