SUNGLASSES RIVALRY:(a fictional spin-off of Wibbling Rivalry)

THE SCENARIO: REMEMBER WHEN LIAM SPENT 6 HUNDRED DOLLARS ON SUNGLASSES OVER THE SUMMER? WELL, HERE'S A TRANSCRIPT OF WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE GOT HOME & HIS SELFISH WIFE, PATSY, FOUND OUT. (I'm not sure how much it was in pounds, maybe around 1200 pounds...but I'm not sure. ...So, I'll just refer to it in the form of U.S. dollars)

PATSY: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FACT THAT, ALREADY, YOU'VE DEVELOPED A REPUTATION FOR BEING ADDICTED TO SUNGLASSES?

LIAM: I'M INTO IT, ME. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, I GO HOME AND GET A CLIP FROM YOU. AND I DO. YOU CLIP ME ROUND THE HEAD AND GO, "WHY'D YOU HAFFTA BLOW $600.00 ON SUNGLASSES, YOU LITTLE TINKER."

PATSY: YOU DIDN'T GET A CLIP LAST NIGHT.

LIAM: OH YEAH, I GET IT ALL THE TIME. YOU LOOK AT ME AND GO, "YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!" KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

PATSY: WELL, IF YOU'RE PROUD ABOUT SPENDING MONEY ON SUNGLASSES FOR YOURSELF INSTEAD OF BUYING STUFF FOR ME, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OFF AND LIVE ON YOUR OWN AND BE A SINGLE GUY AGAIN? I'M YOUR WIFE, RIGHT? YOU SHOULD SPEND YOUR MONEY ON ME.

LIAM: YOU'RE ONLY GUTTED 'COS WHILE I WAS OUT BUYING THE SUNGLASSES YOU WERE IN BED WATCHING THE FREAKIN' SHOPPING CHANNEL...

PATSY: NOT AT ALL. I JUST THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS THAT YOU'RE SO ADDICTED TO SUNGLASSES. IT'S VERY UNHEALTHY, YOU KNOW. HERE'S A QUOTE FROM MY PSYCHOLOGIST, DR. MARVIN MONROE...

LIAM: HE'S A F***IN'...'NOTHER F***IN'...

PATSY: SHUT UP, MAN! YOU THINK IT'S COOL TO SPEND A FORTUNE ON SUNGLASSES. DO YOU KNOW WHAT DR. MONROE SAID TO ME? HE SAID, "NAH. THAT'S INSANE. ...BEING SANE IS LOVING YOUR FAMILY, LOVING YOUR FRIENDS, AND TREATING THEM KINDLY." NOT GOING OUT AND SPENDING 6 HUNDRED DOLLARS ON SUNGLASSES FOR YOURSELF. ...THAT'S UNHEALTHY AND RIDICULOUS, AND I WON'T STAND FOR IT. -A REAL MAN BUYS FUR COATS FOR HIS WIFE.

LIAM: I WON'T AT ALL. YOU CAN STICK YOUR FUR COAT RIGHT UP YER ARSE 'TILL IT COMES OUT YOUR F****N' BIG TOE.

PATSY: I'M NOT UP FOR BEING SEEN AS A GREEDY WIFE, I'M JUST UP FOR BEING SEEN AS ME. AND WHAT ALWAYS HAPPENS IS THAT, I GET WHATEVER I WANT, 'COS THAT'S THE WAY IT IS. I ALWAYS GO OUT WITH MEN AND GET THEM TO BUY ALL KINDS OF EXPENSIVE STUFF FOR ME.

LIAM: YOU CAN'T GET ME TO BUY EXPENSIVE STUFF FOR YOU.

PATSY: WHO CAN'T? WELL WHAT THE HECK IS THIS THEN? (WAVES HER ENGAGEMENT RING INFRONT OF LIAM) I TOLD YOU I WOULDN'T MARRY YOU UNLESS YOU GOT ME A HUGE DIAMOND RING, AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS ROCK!

LIAM: EEYARE WOOAH! IT'S A FREAKIN' CUBIC ZIRCONIA!

PATSY: THAT'S BULLSH**. BULLSH**. BULLSH**. BULLSH**! THIS IS THE BEST F***IN' RING THAT EVER CAME OUT. OR ONE OF 'EM.

LIAM: IT IS NOT. IT COST 8 POUNDS.

PATSY: YOU SHOULD BE SPENDING ALL YOUR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON ME.

LIAM: YOU HAVE ENOUGH STUFF. I BOUGHT YOU THINGS WHEN WE WERE GOING OUT, ISN'T THAT GOOD ENOUGH?

PATSY: BUT I WANT SUMMAT ELSE NOW...

LIAM: YOU WANT WHAT? D'YOU WANT SOME OF MY SUNGLASSES. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY?

PATSY: A FUR COAT, YOU BLOODY WANKER.

LIAM: YOU'VE GOT FUR COATS! YOU'VE GOT FUR COATS!

PATSY: NOT ENOUGH.

LIAM: YOU HAVE ATLEAST 10 FUR COATS!

PATSY: I'M NOT JUST AN ORDINARY OLD HOUSE WIFE. AM I? I'M ABOUT BEING BEAUTIFUL. I'M NOT ABOUT WALKING AROUND IN AN OLD HOUSE COAT COOKING & CLEANING. (EXASPERATEDLY)WHY WON'T YOU JUST GO BUY ME SOMETHING EXPENSIVE?

LIAM: 'COS I DON'T WANT TO. IF I DID, THERE'S NOTHING WOULD STOP ME.

PATSY: WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT?

LIAM: I'M ABOUT BEING...I'M ABOUT GOING DOWN THE FREAKIN'...I'M ABOUT...(WHIPS OUT ONE OF HIS NEW PAIRS OF SUNGLASSES)THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT.

PATSY: RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT. YOU SHOULD BE ABOUT SPOILING ME.

LIAM: OH, I DO SPOIL YOU.

PATSY: NO YOU DON'T...NOT ENOUGH, ANYWAY. YOU SPOIL YOURSELF. MAYBE ABOUT 70 PER CENT OF WHAT YOU BUY IS FOR ME, RIGHT. I'LL TAKE THAT 70 PER CENT, BUT IT'S STILL NOT ENOUGH. THE OTHER 30 PER CENT YOU TAKE TO THE SUNGLASSES SHOP AND FREAKIN' BLOW IT.

LIAM: HOW OFTEN DO YOU WANT ME TO BUY THINGS FOR YOU?

PATSY: EVERYDAY...HOURLY!!

LIAM: I CAN'T MANAGE TO DO THAT.

PATSY: DO YOU HAVE ANY RECURRING DREAMS?

LIAM: YEAH. JUST THE ONE.

PATSY: WHAT'S THAT?

LIAM: (Menacingly)THAT OASIS BECOME UNPOPULAR SO YOU'LL LEAVE ME FOR ANOTHER ROCK 'N' ROLL STAR.