UNI-BROW RIVALRY A fictional spin-off of Wibbling Rivalry
THE SCENARIO: Liam and Patsy are getting ready to attend a very formal dinner party, and Patsy would like for Liam to get rid of the extra hair between his eyebrows. Liam, however, doesn't seem to think there's a problem with his eyebrows. At first Patsy trys to drop a few hints for Liam, but eventually she comes right out and demands that he pluck his brows.
Patsy: How do you feel about the fact that I bought you a brand new razor last night?
Liam: I'm into it, me. Cause at the beginning of the day, I wake up and shave off me beard stubble. And I do. I shave me face every morning, cause this weather is too warm to have a beard.
Patsy: You look nice without facial hair.
Liam: Oh yeah, women tell me that all the time. They look at me and go, "You f****n' handsome bastard". Know what I mean?
Patsy: Alright. Well if you're proud about getting lots of attention for shaving off your beard, why don't you go and shave something aside from your beard?
Liam: You're only kidding, right? I mean...what else would you want me to shave? ...My legs?!
Patsy: Not at all.
Liam: That would be a bad move...
Patsy: I just think you still have a bit of facial hair, right above your nose that you could shave off...
Liam: I don't.
Patsy: Do you know what my stylist said to me? He said, "Patsy, if there's one beauty tip you should always remember, it's to pluck your eyebrows... plucking your brows and waxing all the extra hairs away is a necessity." He taught me to never go anywhere without my tweezers. Having a unibrow is not attractive, and I won't stand for it. And listen, I happen to have an extra pair of tweezers I can give to you.
Liam: I won't use them at all. You can stick your tweezers right up yer arse 'till they come out your f****n' big toe.
Patsy: If you think having a bunch of stubble between your eyebrows is attractive...
Liam: Are you trying to say I have a unibrow? I have a few hairs above my nose, and that's it.
Patsy: A few extra hairs?! Liam, your brows are so big and thick...they're obstructing your vision! How can you say you only have a few extra hairs?? What the f**k is all that then? (Points to all the hairs between his eyes)
Liam: What are you pointing at?
Patsy: That big patch of hair above your nose. That's the biggest unibrow that ever existed. Or one of 'em.
Liam: It is not. There's only a couple hairs there.
Patsy: What the f***?! You have enough hair above your nose to give Bonehead a hair transplant.
Liam: (Super-indignant) What? F*** off! Bullsh*t! Bullsh*t!
Patsy: You're not an animal. Are you? A healthy young man should not be producing so much extra facial hair. You need to get rid of that unibrow so you'll look good tonight. If you don't shave all that extra eyebrow hair you'll look like an animal. (Exasperatedly) Why don't you just go live at the zoo?
Liam: 'Cos I don't want to. If I did, there's nothing would stop me.
Patsy: Then why don't you just go and shave all that extra eyebrow hair off?
Liam: I don't want to do that. If I wanted to do it, I'd just go like that and do it and do it. But I don't want to do that. I'm not about that.
Patsy: What are you about?
Liam: I'm about being...I'm about going down the f****n'...I'm about... (runs his fingers through his uni-brow) That's what I'm about.
Patsy: No you're not. You just don't wanna admit that there's anything wrong with your physical appearance. All I have to say is that, 70 per cent of your eyebrows are nothing more than extra hair that you need to shave off, right. You can keep the other 30 per cent. But the 70 per cent, you can go and f****n' shave it it.
Liam: You don't tell me what to do.
Patsy: I do tell you what to do.
Liam: So what you're trying to say, right, what you're trying to say, you're trying to say, right, that I'm supposed to just take some scissors and go like that (pretends to cut off his unibrow)?
Patsy: What scissors, where?
Liam: Anywhere! The tweezers and the razor are the same thing.
Patsy: Shave! Clip! Cut! Wax! Pluck! Pull 'em off for all I care! Just get rid of that unibrow!
Liam: You're getting hung up about a situation concerning eyebrows!
Patsy: People are sat in England, right now, in flats across this country, whether it be Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham, London, Leeds, Liverpool, Sheffield...in rooms like this. And they've all got tweezers out. It is part of life.
Liam: How often do you want me to pluck my eyebrows?
Patsy: Every day..........hourly!!
Liam: There's no way I'll manage to do that.
Patsy: Do you have any recurring dreams?
Liam: Yeah. Just the one.
Patsy: (Menacingly) I come shave off your uni-brow while you're sleeping.