WIFE RIVALRY

WE ALL KNOW THAT PATSY KENIST AND MEG MATTHEWS ARE THE MOST FAMOUS OUT OF ALL THE OASIS WIVES, JUST LIKE THEIR HUSBANDS ARE THE MOST POPULAR BAND MEMBERS. AND IF YOU ASK MOST PEOPLE WHO THEY LIKE BETTER, NEARLY EVERYONE WILL SAY MEG. PATSY JUST HAS A BAD REPUTATION, ATLEAST IT'S BAD WHEN COMPARED TO MEG'S. MEG SEEMS LIKE A NICE, INTELLIGENT, NORMAL PERSON. PATSY, HOWEVER, IS ONLY AROUND 30 YEARS OLD, BUT ALREADY ON HUSBAND #3. LIAM FANS OFTEN REFER TO HER AS A CHEAP AIRHEAD WHO GOES FROM ONE ROCK STAR TO THE NEXT. SO, THIS WIBBLING RIVALRY SPIN-OFF IS A FIGHT BETWEEN MEG & PATSY OVER WHO IS A BETTER WIFE.

PATSY: HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FACT THAT, ALREADY, YOU'VE DEVELOPED A REPUTATION FOR BEING A BETTER WIFE THAN ME?

MEG: I'M INTO IT, ME. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY I GO HOME & I FEEL A BIT SORRY FOR YOU. THE JOURNALISTS ARE ALWAYS WRITING BAD THINGS UP ABOUT YOU. THE SAD PART IS, IT'S PROBABLY ALL TRUE.

PATSY: WOAH. HANG ON A MINUTE. THE MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.

MEG:THEY DO.

PATSY: THEIR LIES ARE CAUSING ME TO HAVE A BAD REPUTATION, ABOUT BEING A BIMBO. BEING CALLED A BIMBO IS NOT SUMMAT I'M PROUD ABOUT.

MEG: WELL I THINK YOU ARE, LA.

PATSY: ALRIGHT. WELL IF YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THE THINGS THAT ARE WRITTEN IN THE TABLOIDS YOU MUST BE CRAZY. I'M A SWEET & LOVING PERSON, NOT A BIMBO.

MEG: YOU'RE ONLY GUTTED 'COS YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE & I'M A BETTER WIFE THAN YOU ARE...

PATSY: NOT AT ALL.

MEG: I'M NOT GLAD THAT YOU'RE SEEN AS A BAD WIFE, BUT I THINK YOU'RE JUST BEING SEEN AS YOU TRUELY ARE. YOU'RE A CHEAP, THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

PATSY: THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT IS!

MEG: WHADDYA MEAN 'THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT IS'? THAT IS THE WAY IT IS & YOU HAFFTA DEAL WITH IT. I'M JUST A BETTER WIFE.

PATSY: EEYARE! WOOAH!

MEG: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I'M NOT TRYING TO BE ARROGANT, BUT I AM A BETTER WIFE...THAT'S THE WAY IT IS. YOU'RE OUT PARTYING EVERY NIGHT. IT'S LIKE WHAT EVERYONE SAYS...THEY SAY, "I'M SICK OF PATSY KENSIT, SHE ISN'T WORTH ANYTHING NO MORE. SHE JUST GOES FROM ONE ROCK 'N' ROLL STAR TO THE NEXT & USES THEM FOR FORTUNE & FAME." YOU ALWAYS GO OUT PARTYING & SOMETHING HAPPENS. AND THAT'S HOW IT IS, IT'S JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. YOU'RE TROUBLE. YOU'RE ALWAYS UP TO NO GOOD...

PATSY: THAT'S BULLSH**. BULLSH**. BULLSH**. BULLSH**!

MEG: YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET SO OFFENSIVE. WHEN YOU GO OUT & FLIRT WITH ROCKSTARS & GET INTO TROUBLE YOU'RE JUST BEING YOURSELF. YOU GO OUT, YOU DRINK, YOU HAVE TOO MUCH BEER, AND THAT'S IT.

PATSY: I DO NOT. I'M A SWEET LOVING WIFE & I TRY TO SPEND ALL MY FREE TIME WITH LIAM. BEING A GOOD WIFE IS ABOUT BEING WITH YOUR HUSBAND. I LIKE BEING WITH LIAM. IT'S NOT ABOUT FOTUNE, IT'S NOT ABOUT FAME, IT'S ABOUT LOVE. I LOVE BEING WITH HIM!!

MEG: WHERE THE HECK WERE YOU LAST NIGHT, THEN?

PATSY: WHO'S TALKING ABOUT LAST NIGHT?

MEG: LAST NIGHT LIAM & NOEL WENT TO VISIT THEIR MUM, AND OFCOURSE I CAME ALONG. BUT YOU WERE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. AND NOW YOU'RE TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU'RE THE BEST WIFE THAT EVER LIVED. OR ONE OF 'EM.

PATSY: I AM. LAST NIGHT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. I WAS STUDYING A NEW SCRIPT, IT WAS JUST ONE NIGHT.

MEG: WOULD YOU HAVE EVEN GONE WITH LIAM IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO STUDY THE SCRIPT?

PATSY: WOULD I F***! THAT'S WHY I'M SO GOOD!

MEG: (Super-Indignant) WHAT? 'COS YOU WOULDA GONE WITH LIAM TO VISIT HIS MUM! JUST BECAUSE YOU'D GO ALONG WITH LIAM TO VISIT HIS MUM YOU'RE A GREAT WIFE? F*** OFF! BULLSH**! BULLSH**!

PATSY: WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE? WHAT ARE YOU ABOUT?

MEG: I'M ABOUT BEING...I'M ABOUT...I'M ABOUT...(pulls out a picture of Noel) THAT'S WHAT I'M ABOUT.

PATSY: RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT. AND I'M ABOUT BEING A GOOD WIFE TO LIAM.

MEG: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE NOT ABOUT. YOU'RE JUST ABOUT YOURSELF. 70 PER CENT OF WHY YOU MARRIED LIAM IS FOR HIS FAME, RIGHT. THE OTHER 30 PER CENT IS FOR HIS MONEY, SO YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE STORES & GO AND F*****G BLOW IT.

PATSY: THE THING IS, YOU'RE NOT A GOOD WIFE.

MEG: OH, LIKE YOU ARE!

PATSY: YEAH. I AM.

MEG: YOU MIGHT BE IN YOUR LITTLE WORLD, BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT LIAM, YOU'RE JUST USING HIM.

PATSY: HOW OFTEN ARE WE GONNA FIGHT LIKE THIS?

MEG: PROBABLY EVERYTIME WE SEE EACH OTHER.

PATSY: DO YOU HAVE ANY RECURRING DREAMS?

MEG: YEAH. JUST THE ONE.

PATSY: (Menacingly)THAT YOU COULD BE AS COOL AS ME.