• If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Askthe person taking the order to stop doing that.

• Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

• Use CB lingo where applicable.

• Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

• Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

• Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line andyou're going with the lowest bidder.

• Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!", and hang up.

• Answer their questions with questions.

• In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and askif they have something outlandishly sinful.

• Use these bonus words in the conversation: robust, free-spirited,cost-efficient, Ukrainian, and puce.

• Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

• Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Masterof Puppets" CD.

• Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

• Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

• Stutter on the letter "p."

• Ask for a deal available somewhere else.

• Ask what the order taker is wearing.

• Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

• Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

• Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would likedrinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

• Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

• Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

• Change your accent every three seconds.

• Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from anequation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

• Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

• Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

• If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'llbe $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

• Rent a pizza.

• Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

• Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

• Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

• Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

• Say "Are you sure this is [Pizza Place]? When they say yes, say"Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offerproof that it is, in fact, [Pizza Place], start to cry and ask, "Do you knowwhat it's like to be lied to?"

• Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as youspeak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place andscream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

• Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

• Imitate the order taker's voice.

• Eliminate verbs from your speech.

• When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

• Play a sitar in the background.

• Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behindsome furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

• Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

• Ask to see a menu.

• Quote Newt Gingrich.

• Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

• Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

• Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

• Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

• Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

• Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

• Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and ask "Where was I?Who are you?"

• Psychoanalyze the order taker.

• Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

• Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

• Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that thesebe included in the pizza.

• Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk anddidn't mean it.

• Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

• Report a petty theft to the order taker.

• Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary inTinsel Town."

• Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

• If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed byyour sweet words."

• Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

• Try to talk while drinking something.

• Start the conversation with "My Call to [Pizza Place], Take 1, and. . . action!"

• Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

• Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

• Be vague in your order.

• When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

• If using a touch-tone, press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

• After ordering, say "I wonder what this button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

• Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

• State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

• Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up adescription to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

• Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

• Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

• When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

• Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

• Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

• Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from sometwo-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

• Put them on hold.

• Teach the order-taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

• Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say"I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

• Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say"No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

• When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again,change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

• When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

• Haggle.

• Order a one-inch pizza.

• Order term life insurance.

• When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

• Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

• Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

• While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

• Engage in some serious swapping.

• Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/shesays it, say "Please don't mention that word."

• Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background.Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

• If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

• Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

• Order a steamed pizza.

• Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your[time of day] wake-up call, [order taker's name]." Hang up.

• Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

• If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, inyour best pouty voice, "You let me last time."

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