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I've visited loads of home pages to find a picture of the owner and info about their lives. This would be kinda neat if they were interesting and worthwhile to read. In keeping with this self-indulgent behaviour, I'm gonna use a bit of space to tell all you bored people out there about myself. But I'm not saying that this is interesting or worthwhile to read. Click images to enlarge - hit your browser's back button to return. |
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Aged 1 maybe |
Aged 2
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I was born feet first 27 years ago in the north west of England. When I was at the tender age of 7 my father had to have his legs removed above the knee because of an accident involving a bus, a cow, a flasher and a tricycle. All the kids in our village called me the Freaky Kid of Stumpy Jack, and pointed at me in the playground. |
| At the age of 10 I was struck by lightning whilst on a climbing frame down the rec' and had to spend 4 months in hospital. During this time my parents came to visit less and less until they didn't bother at all. Rumours were circulated regarding my folks. Apparently my mother had joined the Cult of Barbara Dickson, who were infamous for kidnapping people and torturing them with rope, nails and 70's ballads - which is the last I heard of her. My father became addicted to alcohol, gambling and Dairylea cheese triangles. |
Nursery school days...ahh... |
Gender confusion. |
[cringe] Those feckin' ribbons... |
In the crowd at an open air festival. "Here's what I think of All About Eve." |
He eventually met another woman whilst drowning his sorrows in his local pub, The Sour Peach. This lady, Brenda, had what they call "lobster limbs" and was doing karaoke at the time. He was moved by her touching performance of ABBA's "Chiquitita". He warmed to her as the song wore on: she was very drunk apparently, and was mixing up the words - by the end of the number she was singing "chicken tikka"... They were inseparable from that moment on. They joined a circus sideshow, shortly after, and were the main "attraction". They amazed audiences with balancing acts and the like - they went down a storm. Their grand finale was tightrope walking whilst playing "Mull of Kintyre" on the bagpipes. They left after two years to tour working men's clubs performing duets by the likes of Sonny & Cher, Peters & Lee and Dollar. |
| Meanwhile, I went to live with various families until I was 16 and then decided to fend for myself. The next few years were a blur spent on drugs and travelling 'round the world. I found myself in the company of strange kooky weirdoes, and ended up having relations with some of them. I experimented with LSD, gardening and Carpenters records (all at the same time). | 
The wonders of modern hairspray. |
Er...Hallowe'en? |
Camera shy. |
Smokey preperations. |
But at the age of 22 I met and fell deeply and passionately in love with a wonderful woman who changed my life totally. She taught me to stand up for myself and showed me how to make chocolate buns and cornflake cakes. I started going out and meeting nice people for the first time ever. I was the centre of attention at parties, everyone wanted to hear my stories of bravery and courage: how I'd escaped from the clutches of terrorists, performed a 12 hour marathon breakdance for charity, wrestled with alligators and rescued 79 penguins from an oil slick. |
| Unfortunately, six months later, my new love was killed outside a pub in a fight over a game of Ludo. She died uttering the words, "If you don't know the rules, don't play the game," which has been my motto ever since. | 
In Blackpool. |
Aged 25 |
Middle aged.
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Bette Davis © 1999
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My Mum |
My Dad |
My Brother |
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Since these photos were taken in 1999, my brother has left home,
my dad has gone to live in the Lakes, and my mum is now my wife.
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Aged 28 |
Public Enema Productions © 1999 - 2001
