BUBBLEGUM DOGS
by Andy 'Payndz' McDermott
INT. 'PISS' COFFEE HOUSE - DAY
Four young women and a teenage boy dressed in HARDSUITS are sitting
at a table, drinking coffee. They are MS BLUE, MS GREY, MS GREEN, MS
PINK and MR OFF-YELLOW. Ms Blue is in the middle of a story about
one of her songs.
MS BLUE: Lemme tell you what 'Konya Wa Hurricane' is all about. It's
all about this chick who digs big bikes. I'm talking morning, day,
night, afternoon, bikes bikes bikes bikes bikes.
MS GREEN: How many bikes is that?
MR OFF-YELLOW: A lot.
MS GREY: And I seem to have to pay for them all.
MS BLUE: Ahem. Anyway, one day she gets this Typhoon 2 motherfucker
and it's like, woah baby. I mean, this bike is huge. She's getting
some *serious* bike action-
MS PINK: What's a motherfucker?
There is a long and uncomfortable silence.
MS PINK: Is it something to do with snugglebunnies?
Everyone else bursts out laughing. Ms Pink looks annoyed and
develops a repetitive two-frame facial tic. A BOOMER WAITRESS
approaches.
BOOMER WAITRESS: Would anyone like a refill- GZZAARK!
The waitress explodes, showering everyone with coffee beans. Ms Blue
lowers her smoking railgun.
MS BLUE: Oops. Sorry. Force of habit.
MS GREY: Let's go to work.
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
To the tune of 'Slightly Irate Machine', the group walks down the
alley in slow motion. Mr Off-Yellow can be seen tilting his head
>from side to side, trying to get a better look at the girls' asses.
Ms Pink trips over her own feet with a squeak.
INT. A SPEEDING MERCEDES 300SL GULLWING - NIGHT
Ms Pink is writhing around on the back seat in agony. Ms Grey is at
the wheel, blasting the car through the oddly empty streets at well
over 100.
MS PINK: Aaaagh! Ooooh! Ow god, it hurts! I'm gonna die!
MS GREY: I *told* you not to have so much coffee! You *know* these
suits don't unbutton!
INT. RAVEN'S GARAGE - NIGHT
Ms Grey, dragging a cross-legged Ms Pink by one arm, enters the
garage. Ms Blue has tied a COP to a chair, and is torturing him.
MS BLUE: ...and then there was that time I got a free lunch off you
while pumping you for information, then I ran off and left you with
a 12,000 yen bill and a boner the size of the Space Needle!
COP: Aaaaargh! You crazy bitch! You cut off my overdraft!
MS GREY: Where's Ms Green?
MS BLUE: Who?
MS GREY: You know, Ms Green.
MS PINK: Don't know her. Where's the toilet?
MS GREY: Look, you must remember her. Liked money.
MS BLUE: Ummm... any other memorable character traits?
MS GREY: Really liked money.
MS PINK: Er...
MS GREY: Really, *really* likes money.
MS BLUE: Oh, her! I think she stopped at a cash machine.
The door flies open and Ms Green enters, accompanied by a sinister
yuppie in a black shellsuit.
MS GREEN: Hi! Have you met my new boyfriend?
MS GREY: Nasty Guy Brian!
Ms Grey points her guns at Brian. Ms Green points her guns at Ms
Grey. Ms Blue points her guns at everybody. Ms Pink looks confused,
then points her guns at herself.
MS GREEN: What the fuck are you doing?
MS GREY: This fucking fuck killed my father!
MS BLUE: Fucking fucking fuck! Fuck! Fuckitty-fuck!
MS PINK: Look, I really need to go to the toilet! (Squeak!)
A short-circuit caused by a leak from Ms Pink's hardsuit
accidentally fires her laser, triggering a mass exchange of heavy
weapons fire. The garage explodes. When the smoke clears, everyone
is still standing where they were, totally unharmed - apart from Ms
Pink, who is lying in a pool of wee.
MS BLUE: Hey, good armour.
Nasty Guy Brian peels off his face, to reveal that he is actually
evil criminal superboomer QUENTIN LARGANTINO. He whips out a remote
control and starts to target everyone with an orbital laser
satellite.
LARGANTINO: Hah! Okay! Once you're out of the way, I'll control the
world! No movie, no TV show, no video on the entire planet will be
safe from my 1970s pop culture references, lengthy monologues and
extreme but blackly comic violence! Okay!
Suddenly, Mr Off-Yellow appears in a previously unseen VTOL
aircraft. Largantino is distracted by the incredibly tiny buttons on
the remote, and as the driving rock of 'I Think We're Alone Now'
plays, Mr Off-Yellow dishes out a set of super-powerful motoroids
equipped with mass drivers, gamma-ray lasers and photon torpedoes.
MS BLUE: LET'S DO IT!
Ms Grey and Ms Green hurriedly check the 'Bubblegum Crisis Drinking
Game', discover that Ms Blue's line incurs a penalty, and down a
shot of 'Old Genom Genuine Scot Whiskee' each before all four women
fire their new superweapons into the sky.
EXT. SPACE
Three beams hit Largantino's laser satellite, which explodes. A
fourth, fired by Guess Who, nukes the nearby 'Hardcore XXXX Channel'
satellite.
INT. REMAINS OF GARAGE - NIGHT
A laser beam dances unsteadily through the wreckage, somehow
managing to miss everybody except Largantino, who is sent flying as
his skin flames away. He lands in a nearby oil refinery which
explodes, the blast making a passing jet laden with TNT drop from
the sky and crash on him. The impact causes an earthquake, opening
up a mile-wide fissure which swallows up Largantino as boiling lava
froths around him. A tidal wave washes over everything, and the
fissure then slams shut with a decisive bang.
MS PINK: Do you think he's dead?
Ms Grey adopts an enigmatic pose.
MS GREY: Frail humans need no longer fear... Brian J Mason.
The others look at her.
MS GREEN: Eh?
MS BLUE: Excuse me? What are you gibbering about?
MS GREY: Um, sorry. Article 12 - 'Mysterious pronouncements shall be
made at the end of every battle.'
MS PINK: Waaaah! I'm all wet!
MS BLUE: There's a change.
MR OFF-YELLOW: Hey! My TV's broken!
MS GREY: What channel are you watching?
MR OFF-YELLOW: Um, ah, er, it's working again. Oh look, the
Discovery Channel. Heh.
INT. 'PISS' COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
The scene as before.
MS BLUE: Lemme tell you what 'Bye Bye My Crisis' is all about. It's
all about... er... what the hell *is* it about?
MS PINK: I like that song. It's happy.
MS GREEN: Is there any chance I might actually get a decent line in
this episode?
MS GREY: Sorry. Article 13 - 'Ms Green will contribute nothing to a
show except a bit of slicing things up with her monomol ribbons'.
MR OFF-YELLOW: But she hasn't even done that yet.
Another BOOMER WAITRESS comes over, holding a jug piled high with
coffee beans.
BOOMER WAITRESS: Can I get anyone a refill?
Everyone turns and winks into the camera, giving a big ol' cheesy
thumbs-up to us as Ms Green stands up to face the boomer.
EVERYONE: Yay!
THE END
(
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