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Humour and Jokes
Humour and Jokes
"My father can beat your father." "Big deal. So can my mother." "Am I the first girl you've kissed ?" "Might be - your face looks familiar." "Do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older?" "Yes, if you're lucky." "Has there been any insanity in your family?" "Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss." The trouble with most men is they know all about women but nothing about wives. "Do you want to buy a hand mirror ?" "No, I want one I can see my face in." We had nothing in common. She was a girl and I was a man. I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it. They lived happily until they got married. "Why did you hit your wife with a chair?" "I couldn't lift the table." My friend has a fine watch dog. At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark. Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do in winter. "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least." "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old." "My wife doesn't know what she wants." "You're lucky. My wife does." We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me. "I passed your house yesterday." "Thanks I appreciate it." "Where did you get those big eyes ?" "They came with the face." "Are you familiar with Grace Smith ?" "I tried it once and she slapped my face." Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn't want to wake the children ? The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child. "Say you love me! Say you love me!" "You love me!" "What do u use for washing dishes?" "Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best." "How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?" "Fine. She vanished last night." They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak. It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look. But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone,because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not. "Look, guide, here are some lion tracks." "Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from." When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance. "Why don't you give your husband a divorce?" "What ? I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy ?" "Guilty. Ten days or twenty dollars ?" "I'll take the twenty dollars, Judge." "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work ?" "I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months." There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep. "Say, waiter, what's the difference between the one dollar steak and two dollar steak?" "The two dollar steak costs exactly one dollar more." "I heard you missed school yesterday." "Not a bit." "I got an 'A' in spelling." "You dope! There isn't any 'A' in spelling." My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe. I have no objections - I let her talk. "Room Service? Can you send up a towel?" "Please wait someone else is using it." There's one thing good about being poor - its inexpensive. Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt. "My uncle has a cedar chest." "My uncle has a wooden leg." "I want some current literature." "Here are some books on electric lightning." There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you. Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets. A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth. What did one ghost say to another? "Do you believe in people?" No man is justified for spitting in another man's face unless his mustache is on fire. In France the cops are so polite, I put my hand out for a left turn and a cop kissed it. "Were you in Paris on your vacation?" "I don't know. My husband got the tickets." He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since. I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
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