Now, what I'm sure is really on your mind is... how'd Yoda do in the pole vault contest? Well, the Force was with him, but he ended up in second place after losig to Dakuan and his elongating staff. Tough break.
Meanwhile, Hercule Poirot was busy looking over the crime scene when - Sorry, Wrong story!
Meanwhile, Rubeus aka the Rebound Boyfriend was meticulously planning his evening apparel. "Should i wear the red vest thing with the green pants or the red vest thing with the green pants? So many choices..." He finally decided to go for the casual look: a red vest with a pair of his best green pants and his designer Calvin Klein jacket in jungle green. "I'm stylin'!" he said to himself and walked out the door to Rei's temple.
At the temple, there was a knock on the door.
"Hello? There is someone home?" came a voice from outside.
'Who could it be at this hour? Rubeus isn't due for another hour," Rei said, rudely interrupted from her bubble bath. She wrapped a towel around her body and walked to the door.
The figure at the door was preoccupied with a rock when Rei opened the door. "Wha- who the hell are you?!" Rei said to the rock which was mysteriously floating in the air. The rock then stopped hovering and sat in the air as this tiny figure appeared behind it.
"I am Yoda," Yoda said.
"Um... okay. And..." Rei asked.
"I know not what will happen tonight," Yoda said.
'Uh... do you want to come in?"
"Why not yes?" And Yoda went into Rei's temple.
Somewhere not too far from where this was taking place, Serena was meditating. She had actually just fallen asleep sitting up, but it looked like she was meditating.
Suddenly, Serena sat up (which is quite a feat considering she was already "locked in an upright position") and screamed. Ami came running from her house.
"What's wrong, Serena?" Ami said. "I was walking over and I was contemplating the molecular structure of logs which made me wonder about Tony-" Right then Serena screamed again.
"I just had *sob* the most horrifying dream!" Serena cried. "I was in this 3-dimensional world and all of a sudden, this banjo music and- and.... WAAAA!!!"
"What? What happened?" Ami said, clearly worried.
"There, there was this big *guy* and... he had big brown glasses and he, he, he tried to sell me a rake! WAAAAAH!" And she started crying again.
"Don't worry, Serena... It was only a dream. Such a thing couldn't possibly exist in real life," Ami said consolingly. (Oh, but it does, it does! The horror....)
Now, at this point the Rebo- er, I mean, Rubeus was standing on Rei's doorstep, his CK Designer Jungle Green jacket casually draped over his shoulder. After doing a double check to make sure all was in order, he knocked on the door.
Rei opened it, wearing a semi-short black skirt and looking very goot, at least in Rubeus' mind. Suddenly Rubeus looked over Rei's shoulder to see Yoda, sitting on a chair and eating a stick of Pocky.
"What is THAT?" Rubeus asked.
"Um... I'm not really sure," Rei said as Yoda hopped of the chair and waddled over to Rubeus.
"Hmmm..." Yoda murmured, walking around Rubeus and inspecting him closely. Finally he stopped, looked up at Rubeus, and proclaimed, "You would make a rotten Jedi, yes?" Then he left.
"Uh, okay..." Rubeus said with a bewildered look on his face. "So, where do you want to eat? Chinese or Italian?"
"I can't decide. Hey, why not just got to Arashi's Chinese-Italian Eatery?" Rei suggested.
"Fine with me."
By some bizarre stroke of fortune found almost exclusively in stories, Kunzite, Zoisite, Jadeite, and Andrew were all at Arashi's too, on a double date.
"Yes! This is my chance!!!" Rei thought to herself, latching on to Rubeus' arm (much to his delight). "I'm going to make Jadeite SO jealous!" And she giggled evilly.
They picked a table right next to the foursome (kinky!) and Rei pretended not to notice them. Rubeus looked over and said, "Hey! Aren't you guys the Negaverse generals? But where's Nephrite? And who is this blond guy who's too nice for his own good?" (Rubeus is very good at telling what kind of people people are.)
'Rubeus!" Rei hissed. "I didn't want them to know we were here!" But it was too late: the four guys turned around and started shaking hands.
Just then, Jadeite saw who Rubeus was with. "Rei, what are you doing here?!"
"I'm on a date with my boyfriend! What? Did you expect me to wait or something?"
At the mention of the word "boyfriend", Rubeus drpoped his CK Designer Jungle Green jacket. "I'm your boyfriend?!"
"Of course you are, DARLING!" Rei said, throwing her arms around Rubeus as his eyes bulged. (So d- err. Nevermind, I'm not gonna say it!)
"Well, that's nice," Jadeite said cheerfully. "I'm glad to see you two are happy." Everyone returned to their respective tables.
Rei was disappointed. 'He didn't seem jealous at ALL! Oh well, I'm sure I can fix that," she thought.
Throughout their entire wonderful Chinese-Italian dinner, Rei was hitting VERY heavily on Rubeus. He was surprised at first but, being the suave guy that he is, soon began flirting back.
Jadeite was totally engrossed in his companions and failed to notice. None of the others did either, since Zoisite was slurping spaghetti and looking totally kawaii.
As dinner wound to a close, Rei was starting to get VERY angry. She needed to do something drastic. When she and Rubeus were about to leave, she suddenly threw her arms aroud his neck and kissed him deeply.
The three generals and Andrew looked at them curiously, shrugged, and finished their dinners.
Rei was very disappointed and starting to get even more desperate. (Rubeus was just sort of in shock.)
"Hey, Rubeus," Rei said just a little too loudly. "Would you like to go back to my place... for some tea or... something?" This was followed by a knowing wink.
Rubeus decided he liked Rei quite a bit. She had such a fiery spirit. (I know, bad joke. I couldn't resist.) He had a few doubts about taking things too quickly, but... "Okay," he said. "Shall we be going?" He held out his arm for her and she took it, noticing with satisfaction the troubled look on Jadeite's face.
'I've gotten to him at last!' Rei thought gleefully.
Moments after they'd gone, Jadeite let out a long sigh. "I'm at a loss," he said. "I really don't know what to do about this. I don't even know why I'm making it such a big deal, but that's the way it is... should I get dessert, or not?" He dropped the menu in frustration.
Andrew laid a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "I'll stand behind whatever decision you make," he said solemnly.
Kunzite and Zoisite just stared at them like they were crazy. I wonder why?
Since Rubeus really thought... something was going to happen, he was totally unprepared for what came next.
"Well, what I had in mind was..." she looked at him provocatively and batter her eyelashes. "Could we go see 'Barney's Great Adventure'?"
Rubeus looked at her, stunned. Could it be? The one girl he had ever asked out because when he was younger he had a severe fear of rejection liked... Barney? The horrid, purple and green dinosaur with his own TV show? The evil that is children's programming? "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! HE'S EEEEEEVILLLLLLLL!!!!!!" Rubeus yelled, and ran away. "I'll never date you again!!!!"
"What's wrong with Barney? He's cute, funny, and I learn so much from him," Rei said as she stood there watching Rubeus run away.
Rubeus froze. "I guess you have a point," he called out, slowly walking back to Rei. (He'd gotten pretty far away, but he has exceptional hearing, remember?) "I guess I can date someone who likes Barney, but that doesn't mean I have to like him, so I won't take you to the movie."
"Fair enough," said Rei. "We'll stay here and f***." In some dark and twisted corner of her mind she was thinking, "If we're loud enough maybe Jadeite will hear and be jealous!"
All bluntness aside, we move on to more important things...
Ami was writing a paper. The paper wasn't due for another month but Ami was one page from being finished anyway. As she sat at her computer screen, the keys tapping beneath her fingers, she couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching her. As she was writing the climax (perhaps a reference to the above situation...?) of the paper on mallard ducks and their affect on the rise and fall of the Roman Empire (it was a biology/history paper), she could hear a faint voice from her window. She paused her tying and listened. It sounded almost unnatural, this low, growling noise coming from the cherry tree outside her window.
Curiosity got the best of Ami, and she went over to the window and opened it, peering out. What she saw really surprised her.
Zoisite was hanging precariously from one of the tree's upper limbs, eyes wide with fear. Perched on a lower branch, and growling at the top of its voice, was a giant furry... koala?
"Excuse me, Zoisite, but are you frightened of that harmless little animal?" Ami asked.
"Shhh!" Zoisite hissed. "It's an awfully LARGE koala..." He fell into a bout of whimpering.
Ami rolled her eyes and left the window to go out and lend him a hand. Just as she reached the tree, however, a broom whacked the koala in the head and it fell to the ground, dazed.
"C'mon, girl, let's go home now," said the figure weilding the broom as he started herding the semi-conscious animal away. "I'm really sorry she scared you like that," he called up to Zoisite. "I won't let her get away again."
"Thanks a lot for that, Mr... uh..." Ami paused.
"Shinnosuke," he replied, then waved goodbye and left.
Zoisite dropped from the tree a moment later. "Wow, he was cute," he comented.
"I suppose," Ami agreed. "Now, why were you in the tree in the first place?"
"Collecting cherry blossoms, of course," he replied. "I harvest them and put them into 'Hammerspace' - the technical term for the place from which animated characters can pull just about anything, seemingly from thin air. So, I put my petals in, and then when I say "Zoi!" and shoot them, I'm actually summoning them from Hammerspace!"
"Ah, I see," Ami said, finding the whole thing entirely fascinating. "So, why isn't Kunzite with you tonight?"
"Because," Zoisite said matter-of-factly, "I can tell no one the secret behind my petals, even my darling Kunzite."
Ami fought to keep from rolling her eyes. "Oh yes, of course, why didn't I see it before?"
"Hey, Ami?" Zoisite asked out of the blue. "Wanna go see 'Barney's Great Adventure' with me?"
Ami blinked in surprise and considered the offer. Barney was very educational and a positive role model for preschoolers, she had to admit. "I... suppose," she said. "Oh... are you asking me on a date?"
"What?! OF course not! You know I don't like girls in that way. I'm not remotely attracted to you. In fact, the thought makes me sick."
"Thank you SO much for the boost of self esteem," Ami said dryly.
"You're welcome. So, when do you want to go? I've been wanting to see it for quite some time, but Kunzite flatly refuses to go..."
"Well, I have to finish up my paper tonight, and I have a computer class tomorrow, but it gets out at seven so maybe we could go after that?"
"Okay!!!" Zoisite said, sounding like a little kid on a sugar high. "I'll see you then!" And, in a flurry of newly attained cherry petals, he vanished.
Kunzite was attempting to watch Ninja Scroll. 'Wow,' he was thinking, 'Kagero is hot. And Yurimaru isn't bad either.' However, he was soon distracted by Zoisite, who was bouncing all over the place saying "Boingy, boingy, boingy," a la Animaniacs.
"Uh, excuse me, Zoisite darling?" he called. "Could you maybe calm down a little? I'm trying to watch something here..."
Zoisite began giggling somewhat hysterically.
"Well," said Kunzite, giving up and stopping the movie. "Would you mind telling me what you're so happy about?"
Zoisite bounced onto the couch, threw his arms aroud Kunzite, and whispered in his ear, "I'm gonna see BARNEY!" Then he fell over giggling again.
"Oh, that's nice. You found someone to go with you?" Kunzite asked.
"Yeah. See, there was this big koala that had me cornered, and then this cute guy showed up and hit it with a broom, and- "
"Wait," Kunzite interrupted, "You mean you asked some strange guy to go out with you?!"
"No, of course not!" Zoisite said, sticking his tongue out at Kunzite. "He left. I asked Ami."
"Oh." 'Well, no harm in that,' Kunzite thought.Zosite began giggling again. The mood was rubbing off. "Laugh, will you?! Well, I'll give you something to laugh about!" And with that, Kunzite held Zoisite down and began tickling him.
They both laughed until they could barely breathe, and then sat on the couch trying to catch their breath. "Now," said Kunzite, "I'm going to finish watching Ninja Scroll. Care to join me?"
Zoisite curled up beside Kunzite and rested his head against his shoulder, and they watched the rest of the movie.
That night ended a happy one for almost everyone involved in this story.
Rubeus lay sleeping peacefully beside Rei.
Andrew lay sleeping peacefully beside Jadeite.
Ami lay sleeping peacefully beside her computer.
Zoisite lay sleeping peacefully beside Kunzite.
Luna lay sleeping peacefully beside Artemis.
Darien lay sleeping peacefully beside his curtains.
Lauren lay sleeping peacefully beside Sam Neill.
P-chan lay sleeping peacefully beside Akane...
"And we don't have anyone!" whined Serena, Mina, and Lita.
The next morning, Serena, Mina, and Lita wree still whining over their lack of a love life. Actually, they were talking about each other under their breath.
"Of course, we all know why Mina doesn't have a boyfriend," Serena whispered to Lita not too softly. "It's because she's-"
"Because I'm what?" Mina said.
"Because... you're... so beautiful all the guys think you must already have a boyfriend," Lita and Serena said, lying through their teeth.
"Really?! You... really think so?" Mina said as her eyes got big and wavery-like. She's a little dense.
"Um... yeah... sure..." And they ran off before she could say anything else.
Mina suddenly had a whole lot more self-confidence. "I'm going to go flirt heavily with the first cute guy I see!" she proclaimed, running out into the street...
...and right into Sam Neill.
"Oh, I'm very sorry," he said politely, and left.
"Wow, he's cute!" Mina thought. "Too bad he's taken already. No point in going after him..." And she went off down the street.
Mina's quest will continue (if Lauren doesn't kill her off) in a moment. But first, let's take a look at what some of the other characters are doing.
Darien realized that Tuxedo Mask just wasn't the same without his cape, so he purchased a new one. However, their relationship was purely platonic, so the curtains didn't mind.
Nephrite was showing Molly the joys of Anthracite Coal Land's oh-so-yummy chicken sandwiches while Rezo looked on.
Rubeus was happily making breakfast for Rei, who was thinking only of Jadeite, like she had been all night. (Uh... never mind.)
Jadeite wasn't thinking of Rei at all. He was watching old reruns of Speed Racer while Andrew was at the grocery store.
The other Scouts were all hanging around being bored.
Zoisite was all hyper about the Barney movie still. He bounced around as soon as he woke up, ate a bowl of Corn Pops, and hopped (literally) into the shower, where he sand at the top of his lungs anything that came into his head.
Kunzite read the paper as he was serenaded with everything from the oh-so-catchy "yappappa" Ranma opening to the Opera Song from FF3.
"You make me feel like a natural wo-maaaaan...." Zoisite sang loudly. Kunzite got a large sweatdrop and concentrated on the paper.
As Mina was walking down the street, Yoda was walking the other way with an ice cream cone. The streets were very crowded and Mina wasn't looking where she was going, and she ran into Yoda. Now, Yoda had no way of getting around her so he walked right into her knees and his ice cream cone fell on Mina's shoes.
"AAAAAA! My shoes are ruined!" Mina screamed and ran away never to be seen again.
Never to be seen by Yoda, anyway. She ended up crashing into a garbage can that turned out to be Tsubasa in disguise, and they ended up falling in love, getting married, and having many children. (Isn't the thought of Tsubasa as a father totally weird?) That was all in the future, however.
In the meantime, this high-pitched whistling noise started coming from the sky. "What IS that NOISE?!" Mina said and looked up. A big meteorite was headed straight for Mina! All she could do was stand there as the meteorite squashed her like a bug.
There was an electronic whir and a hatch opened in the front of the "meteorite". A girl with long, dark brown hair got out of the "cockpit" and surveyed the damage. Once she realized this was the end of Mina and Sailor Venus, she gave a victory cry and did "the butt dance". Finally, her enemy was dead.
"Stop killing Mina!" yelled another girl, this one with long dark blond hair. She pointed and Mina was revived. "I put up with your Sam Neill stuff! Just let Mina and Tsubasa run away and be happy! They never even have to appear in this story again, okay???" She paused. "And maybe I'll get you a date with Kunzite to make it worth your while."
"Okay," the girl with the dark brown hair said. She walked off into the sunset with her creative liscence in hand to do more damage to anyone who crossed her path. Like... putting a big, puffy pink dress on the girl with the dark blond hair.
"Grr, I hate when she does that," said the blond. she looked down at Mina and Tsubasa, who were staring wide-eyed.
"Shoo!" she said. "Go away! Go fall in love!"
"Uhhh, whatever..." they mumbled, wandering away.
"Now, where were we," she muttered. "Oh, yeah."
In another time and place...
"BARNEY!" Zoisite was yelling, still bouncing around. Kunzite was starting to get a bit fed up. Sure, he loved Zoisite, but Kunzite still got a bit annoyed sometimes. At the moment he was hiding under the bed while the super-hyper Zoisite bounced unendingly.
"How can I calm Zoisite down? His infatuation with Barney is utterly disgusting," Kunzite thought. Luckily, a leprechaun appeared under the bed with Kunzite.
"And what is your question, lad?" the leprechaun inquired.
Kunzite was not expecting this so he screamed and bumped his head on the bed. "Ahem, sorry," Kunzite said as he composed himself. "I would like to know how to calm Zoisite down. He keeps yelling about Barney and... I think I might cry," Kunzite said and put his hands to his face. "It's just so
The leprechaun took one look at Kunzite and said, "What you need is a theme song." Kunzite looked incredulously at the leprechaun. "A... theme song? Like the X-Files theme?"
The leprechaun thought a moment. "Yes... but no. Try to think of another one." And the leprechaun was gone.
Meanwhile, Darien was sitting in a bar in Anthracite Coal Land. He was surrounded by beer glasses. He was, apparantly, drunk.
"God, I'm so depressed," Darien moaned. "All my friends have gone and my curtains ran off with my, er, Tuxedo Mask's cape. Life sucks." Darien got up from his bar stool with a glass of clear liquid in his hand. He stumbled and fell. "The only thing I can do is drink myself into oblivion. To disappear from this cold, rocky hell called Anthracite Coal Land. This dull, dark, damp, stinky-cheese hell hole." Darien struggled to his feet and struck a dramatic "God-I'm-depressed" pose. He promptly fell back down.
As he was sprawled on the floor, a figure came and stood beside him. It was Ryan Stiles.
"Hey, buddy, what's up?" said Ryan.
Darien looked at Ryan and then back at the floor. "Can't you tell? I'm depressed and drinking is the only vice I have left." Darien started sobbing.
"Drinking ice water?" Ryan said.
"No, this is rum. Duh."
Ryan sniffed the glass. "Nope, I'm pretty sure this is just ice water."
Darien looked up at Ryan. He jumped to his feet. "That would explain why I have to go to the bathroom so much. Excuse me." Darien ran to the restroom.
"No problem!" Ryan called after him and walked off into the sunset.
A few minutes later, as Darien emerged from the bathroom, he made a decision. Striking a dramatic pose, music swelling, he proclaimed to the world, "I will quite this pointless moping! I WILL FIND MY TRUE LOVE!"
Unfortunately he will remain unable to until the author figures out who that may be.