Fading Like A Flower (Every Time You Leave)

Disclaimer: All characters from Yu Yu Hakusho are copyright of Yoshihiro Togashi and other respective parties. Excerpts of lyrics to 'Fading like a Flower' are copyright of Roxette and the respective recording companies. I'm not making any money off this, so please don't sue me. No $$$!!!

In a time where the sun descends alone,

I ran a long long way from home

To find a heart that's made out of stone.

"Hiei."

His name. I look at him, sensing the tension in his voice as he gives up that invaluable piece of trivia. An act so simple yet with connotations so heavy that Atlas' back would break were he to shoulder it as he reputedly carried the world in the ningen legends. We of the Makai believe that the name carries with it a power that is to be guarded jealously, not surrendered to any other soul for fear that that selfsame power would be transferred to that person. The power over one's own soul. The name is a powerful invocation. Within its syllables hid unknown runes of calling, runes of binding. To know another's true name was to have a complete hold over that name's owner, a hold so complete that only the throes of death could break it, and even then with much difficulty. Powerful mages have been known to control a soul, even in death, just by knowing the name it goes by. It is not a trifling thing at all, to give one your name.

Hiei. Thank you. Thank you for your trust that lies in your heart even though it does not show through your eyes.

He flits through the window, a blur of black indistinguishable against the backdrop of the dark sky, a darkness broken only by quick, tiny flashes of white from the bandages I had used to bind him. Why had I taken him in? I don't know. Perhaps it was because I was curious. Perhaps it was because of these strange human emotions that have become so much a part of me. This strange Ningenkai that has been my home for the past - what? Twelve? Thirteen? Fifteen years? I have ceased to count, those numbers a mere fraction of the age I feel. I look at myself in the mirror and see a boy, a young ningen boy with all the innocence of youth yet with knowledge of ages hidden deep within emerald eyes. Sometimes I wonder why I had chosen this form to hide in - no, to survive in. Was it intentional or was it just the fingers of Fate, meddling in lives that were really of no consequence to her potent self...

I look back at the window, at where Hiei had just been. He had trusted me with his name, albeit hesitantly. I smile and wish that he had stayed. It was difficult being a Makai soul trapped within a ningen body. I have tried to assimilate into my new world, learning the ways of the people around me, disdainful of some yet appreciating most. Shiori has made my life here bearable, giving me the trust and love of a level that I had never before experienced in my long years before now. I still cannot recall all of those previous memories but I know they will come, slowly but surely. At first, I had been afraid of the things that happened around me. I would just have to look at a flower and it would wither or bloom, depending on my mood. I had cried when that had first happened so many years ago, Shiori cooing words of comfort in my ears, smiling at what she thought were childish fancies. This past year the memories had come tumbling out of the recesses of my mind, filling my dreams and haunting my every waking moment. They are still a blur and meeting Hiei had cleared most of them, giving me an insight into what I was, my heritage.

Hiei.

I look forward to his friendship. My friends here are few, the ones I could trust even fewer. And now, with the knowledge of what I am, I could never make more, could never be attached to lives that are so short-lived. Sometimes I hate Shiori for that, for giving me the ability to feel, to be attached to things of such inconsequence, for teaching me how to love, how to care. Now, each time I look at her, my heart contracts for I know that too soon, she would be gone. And I would be again, alone.

I laugh mirthlessly. I have yet to master the ability to separate my youko and human inner selves. Sometimes, they meld and I don't know whether what I feel is what the human, Minamino Shuuichi, feels or what the youko, Kurama, feels. I suppose I will have to learn. I hope Hiei can make that easier.

"Rrrrrrrrring!!!" The phone?! I wonder who...?

* * *

Shiori is dying and I am here, stupidly wondering about my feelings. How inhuman! The irony strikes me, making me laugh mentally. Of course, I was inhuman. I was a youko! But that knowledge did not shed light on my confused thoughts. I should be thinking of 'kaasan, not these strange feelings that wash over me every time I see his face.

Was it just a human quirk? A ningen thing brought about through inhabiting this body? The ningen soul is so strong yet its heart surprisingly weak. What *am* I feeling?!? Whatever it is, I have never felt it before. A tugging at the silent strings in my chest, around my heart. Yes, the human heart is weak...and stupid! Could it not distinguish between friendship and ...what? WHAT?

The small boy before me - should I call him a boy? A youkai's looks *can* be deceiving. Look at me! - sits at the side of the small campfire, talking in hushed tones to the colossus beside him. The two had approached me for help in stealing the three Reikai treasures, a mission I took up willingly, partly because it appealed to me - a challenge to my youko self; partly because it was Hiei who had asked me - I had considered him my closest friend; but mostly because I wanted - nay! - needed one of those treasures - the Mirror of Utter Dark.

I look at him, the flickering of the flames casting strange shadows over his face, thinking about how good he looks and how I wish that these were different circumstances...No! What was I thinking? So what if he is attractive ? Why should I bother? My mind whirls, my thoughts disturbed by this sudden turn. I feel so confused...

I will try,

I just need a little time

to get your face right out of my mind,

to see the world through different eyes

* * *

Shiori smiles at me through the kitchen window, welcoming me as I make my way through the gate. It is hard for me to accept that she is well and truly here still, with me, in this world. Her end had been so near and my grief at her impending death had shaken me. Even stranger, it had shocked me to realise that I was capable of such feelings...Me! A cold, heartless thief who would not think twice of snuffing out someone's life if he stood between myself and that which I sought to steal. I had killed before, without the slightest twinge of guilt, of remorse.

I think that perhaps, in her past life, Shiori had been a witch, a powerful one, to be able to convert me into someone so different from before, to conjure a spell of such power so as to interweave our lives together so effectively, that I would not think twice to give up all that I am for her. I smile back, giving her a peck on the cheek, a human greeting I only share with her, my human mother, the mother of my heart.

Before, I would look at her and see death's facade hovering over her, continually reminding me of the time I would have to say goodbye. And once, that face had grinned at me, a satisfied smirk telling of the moment that she was soon to embrace him as her eternal lover. I had not conceded to that, I could not, for she was the most precious thing in my life. I had willingly offered myself in her place but perhaps the Fates were kind...Both of us were spared, allowing us to live again our normal lives, she in blissful ignorance, I in knowing silence. Now I look at her and see more than death over her, I see a face with ruby-hued eyes, knowing that I should be thankful to him for providing me a chance to buy Shiori more time on this fleeting world. Yet, when I remember that face, my blood runs cold. My heart drops and my mind screams in strange, pleasant confusion. I wrestle with my feelings and my thoughts, my sensible mind listing the things I should feel, my heart throwing the things that I do feel in my face. Which was right? I want to scream in frustration but Shiori would think that I have lost my mind.

Perhaps I have...

Perhaps the Fates had not been kind, after all. Perhaps, at this very moment, they were laughing at the inner torture they have inflicted upon me, my punishment for daring to tamper with their plans.

* * *

Tell me why?

When I scream there's no reply,

when I reach out there's nothing to find,

when I sleep I break down and cry

"Kaasan, how did you know that you loved 'tousan?" That question had just popped into my head and had escaped my lips before I had realised it. I look at her, a little confused as to how that thought had popped into my mind. She looked up from her gardening, a hobby that had begun to deepen when she saw how well her garden grew, how wonderfully lush the rosebushes had blossomed. She had felt proud of her work, glowing when others praised her 'green thumb'. Hn, if only she knew...

Absentmindedly, I reach out for a weed, willing its roots to retract, its tiny but spreading shoots to curl back into itself, seeking the cotyledonous remnants of a seed that still existed - the weed was still young - until the weed had disappeared from sight, hidden in the folds of a seed made suddenly and permanently dormant by my now steadily-increasing youki.

She smiles at my question, her eyes dancing with a funny, knowing look. Alarmed, I wonder at what she knew, cursing my transparency. She turns back to her weeding, her face hidden by the wide-brimmed hat she wore, silent. I get up to leave, angry with myself for dredging up old memories of her life with my father - a father I never got the chance to know. Her soft voice, wistful with reminiscence, stayed me.

"When my heart sang in his presence and cried when he is gone, when I lie awake at night thinking of his face, when I refuse to sleep for fear that I would wake up from a beautiful dream." She pauses, looking into the distance. "When I live for the moment I hear his voice calling my name with love, when I felt like I would die if I were to never see him again, when my heart threatened to explode at the very thought of him...That's when I knew I loved him." She looks up at me, her eyes misted. Again, I curse myself. She smiles as she continues, "It's different with different people, Shuu-kun. What may be beautiful and simple for one may be difficult for another. But you'll know. Your heart will tell you when it's time." Her eyes stare into mine with a look of girlish mischief. "Is it time, Shuu-kun?"

My mouth opens and closes like a fish's out of water, flabbergasted at her unexpected question. "T..t...time..?" I gasp out, my voice small and squeaky, very like when my voice had first broken, years ago. She gives me a sly wink, wiping a gloved finger on my nose, leaving a smear of brown earth.

Every time I see you oh I try to hide away

but when we meet it seems I can't let go.

Every time you leave the room

I feel I'm fading like a flower

How do I tell her that it *was* time? How can I say that I have found love? How can I tell her when I am afraid of it myself?

It is strange, this feeling. It squeezes you dry and leaves you begging for more. It exhausts me. It confuses me. And who is it that I love? Do I truly 'love'? Or was it just an attraction, a fleeting reminder of my demonic past? Is that why my feelings are so strange, so different from those of my classmates?

My sensitive hearing often picks out whispers among them, teenaged boys telling of true love and romance. The girls would speak of the same, albeit less shyly, in a more open manner. I feel that I am undergoing the same experience, and yet, the one I seem to have feelings for should not be...I should not love *him*! I should not think of him and fantasize of his lips on mine, his hands in mine, his ruby eyes looking into mine...No! I should not even consider the thought that he could be more than a friend, that he may even be my lover. I should not! I *could* not!!!

But I do...

Fading like a rose,

fading like a rose,

beaten by the storm,

talking to myself,

getting washed by the rain,

it's such a cold cold town.