11/15/01, 7:59 PM
Listening to: Solitude ? Duke Ellington
The world is collapsing under me. First math, now English?chemistry also seems to be in a bad state?What has everything come to? Why, why can?t I keep my reputation? Or, a better question, why do I have that reputation in the first place? I?ve always been a 4.0 student?I?m not about to have that changed by a stupid calculus test. It?s not going to change simply because I didn?t take physics before I took calculus. But what control do I have over the situation? Even now, I can see that future list of top students in the Regent Reporter. My name should be on it, but it?s not. I?m the laughingstock of the entire school. It?s not fair. It?s simply not fair.
The moon turns red and I stare at the bottle of sparkling water before me. I almost wish it were poison. I wish it were. A life like this isn?t worth living.
Jessie says she?ll plant herself inside my house if I ever try to commit suicide, and will prevent me from killing myself. I wonder if she?s serious. No, I?m most likely to die quietly, without anyone wrenching the poison from my hand. My parents will come into my room an hour later and will think my corpse is nothing more than a joke, that I?m practicing for theater class. That?s how it will happen, I know it. No one at the school will even realize I?m gone. My spirit will be alone forever, wandering through the dark hallways of the school, seeking revenge on people who drove me to this extreme?
11/15/01, 6:05 PM
Listening to: Weather Bird ? Louis Armstrong and Earl Hines
I wonder what would happen in the school if I committed suicide. Would there be an announcement followed by a moment of silence? Would there be a commemoration ceremony in the aud? Who would show up at my funeral? Would anyone even notice I was gone?
While walking to the bus stop today, I imagined myself committing suicide. I imagined myself pondering about how to kill myself, and finally decided that some kind of poison is the best way. I imagined going to the store and buying a bottle of cyanide. I envisioned myself writing my will, addressing everyone in my school, giving away my possessions, my talents, and my feelings. Finally, I imagined myself raising the cyanide flask to my lips and drinking all of it as I wrote that I leave my eternal love to my parents?and then saw my hand falling limply to the tabletop, and felt myself enveloped in darkness?and for a moment, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel?and then the bus came.
The pomegranate on my plate looks like blood. I turn to my bed and I see myself there, motionless and pale. The shadows scare me. Feebly I cry out for help?and silhouettes of Mr. Knowles and Ryan appear before me. I turn my head away from them and my eyes fall on two sheets of snow white paper?
Help?
Help??
11.12.01, 6:47 PM
Listening to: Kiss-Kiss-Kiss -- Splash
Wah. I came back from stage crew about an hour ago. We took down the set (that's called strike in stage crew terms), and it was so sad...I felt like locking myself in the booth and staying there forever and ever. What's worse is that none of the actors showed up except Ethan and Anna (but they don't really count since they do crews), and I so wanted to see all of them! *sobs* Where's the "I Will Survive" song when I need it most?
Anyhoo, I'm supposed to be working on my essay right now. Given that I have other homework as well, I only have about three hours to complete this paper. Thus, I have to write an average of two pages per hour. I should be able to pull it off. If worst comes to worst, I can always write a 4 page paper instead of a 6 page one, but make it really good. Only one problem, though: I have to look for quotes in a 300+ page book which I've barely read! Aie-aie-aie!
11.11.01, 9:46 PM
Listening to: Fair Wind -- Wataru Takagi
*is on a rampage* This week is going to be so stressful! I've got strike tomorrow, an essay due on Tuesday, yearbook on Tuesday, a huge test on Wednesday and Thursday, an essay due on Thursday, and a presentation on Friday! And guess what? I haven't started on any of the school related things! *seeks out Ms. Keys, thwaps her with a bag of tortilla chips*
Yesterday was the last performance of the Fantasticks! So sad! I went to the party and was feeling so miserable inside...The fact that Joe was cuddling with Betty didn't help any. What kind of a guy is he anyway? Oh well, he's only a junior, I'll have time to get revenge, sweet revenge. So, I came home at around 1 in the morning but wasn't sleepy at all, so I watched 4 episodes of "Waiting Hall". That's 4 hours of TV, mangs. And today, I woke up at noon, crying (honestly! I was that attached to the show!), and watched the remaining 6 episodes of the loverly movie. Strangely enough, it cheered me up. And it's a sad movie, too!
Somewhere around 7:30 I cleaned off my desk, as I always do on Sundays, before a new school week...and there I see the school copy of The Great Gatsby. I was like "@___________@ Wha? Wait a moment...I have homework to do!" A shitload of homework, too. French, chem, WiTT, history, math, you name it! Argh...and I did it all in an hour and a half. *is proud* But now I have that WiTT essay hanging around my neck...
I don't wanna take down the set! I'm gonna be crying the whole time, I swear! Actually, strike started yesterday, when Scott took the spotlights and the temps. Speaking of temps, dimmer 128 blinked again! But this time I don't have to worry about it. It's over. OVER!!! *melts into a puddle of tears*
