Disclaimer: Berusaiyu no Bara & all characters © ® All Rights Reserved Ikeda
Productions 1972-1973, Tokyo Movie Shinsha Co. 1979-1980.
Mother Wouldn't Like Her
by Aria(crune@coqui.net)
Well that was that, Gerodere thought as he sat calmly in his balcony.
He had been foolish to even dare hope that Oscar might consider his proposal.
What on earth had motivated him to sacrifice his pride and let her know of
his deepest of secrets?
Reflecting on it at the moment, Gerodere felt horridly embarrassed
and more than a bit hurt. But why should I feel hurt? He thought angrily, I
had expected this. Then he cringed as the answer made itself known.
Because he had hoped against the impossible.
I wouldn't have minded if she had no feelings for me at all, he
thought dazedly, I would have married her anyway--I would have found a way to
make her love me, even if it was just a little...
His lips curled into a self-deprecating grin. It would have never
come to be, he thought, wishing for her is like wishing for the moon. Of all
the women that could have caught my fancy...it had to be the oddest of them.
Gerodere sighed.
Truth be told, perhaps it was her unconventionality that had
attracted him to her--ever since he had met her. That very day, she had
taught him never to underestimate an opponent--a lesson paid for in pride. To
say that it hadn't mattered, would be a lie and yet...he would have never
changed the outcome of that fight.
He had been happy being under Oscar's command--he followed her orders
with admiration...and then...
Then he woke up one day and realized he'd be willing to die for his
commander...and then, little by little he saw the less of the commander and
more of the person behind the title.
Until then, things were fine, but he could not shake the glimpses
he'd have from time to time of Oscar. Glimpses of yet another facet of her
complex nature--not the commander, not the Oscar he knew--and *that*
disturbed him. Because the more he saw of those glimpses, the more taken he
was and suddenly it was very hard to believe that his commander was a man.
One day he realized that he had stopped seeing Oscar as man a long
time ago. He had no idea what to do, but he had no time to *do* anything
before he learned of Oscar's resignation.
"Regiment Commander, why are you abandoning us suddenly?"
Of course, that wasn't what he wanted to say at all. In any case he
could not say to his commander that she couldn't leave.
//You can't leave...because I won't see you anymore...because I love you...//
No, he had more self-control than that. He used to think that he had
more pride than that as well. And for a minute he was scared. Had she noticed
...? He had tried his best to hide what he felt; the doubts clouded his
mind...
"Have we done something wrong?"
Of course he meant *I*--
//Have *I* done something wrong? //
It hurt when she tried to soothe his vanity, completely
misinterpreting the question. She had said that he had helped her--which was
no comfort, all it did was create in him a foolish desire to timidly ask--and
if I had helped you more, would you have stayed?
It just got more difficult to accept that she was leaving and to deal
with a harsher unit no less, but within, deep inside...he was proud of her.
Proud of the way she was going to accept another challenge, just as she had
accepted his--or had he accepted hers? Oscar was one to *propose* challenges
not to peacefully accept them. Perhaps that's what it had been--she had
*challenged* herself to a harder unit.
He almost felt divided into two parts: the one that was screaming at
her not to leave and the one that tipped his hat to her, who smiled ruefully
at the surprise the men in the French Guards were going to have.
Both parts adored her.
She left before he could protest more. It was just as well; he
probably would have made a fool of himself admitting what he felt.
However, each day without her seemed endless. It just wasn't the same
without her--nothing was the same without her. He was half-mad with the hope
that perhaps...Perhaps, there was some way that he could get her back. A way
for her to always be by his side.
Maybe that wasn't the best idea, Gerodere thought and winced. She
must hate me.
He must have been crazy to actually try to *force* her into marriage
with him, it was inexcusable--that's what he had done. Had he wanted her
total consent he wouldn't have been the coward he was--going to her father
before her.
What was I thinking!
But there was no other way of getting her attention. Oscar herself
seemed more withdrawn everyday and Gerodere felt caged by what he *couldn't*
say. How many times had he wanted to ask her what she was thinking when her
gaze strayed to the horizon and her eyes glazed, how many times had he hoped
to be *something* to her-- even being her enemy was better than not being
considered by her at all.
"If I wasn't born into the nobility, I would become your servant or
stableman!"
The way she had reacted to his words shook him. It was the most
emotion he had heard in her voice in a long time. He wondered what in his
words set her off.
She was a puzzle--everything about her hidden, by her uniform and her
cold demeanor. He hoped he could have been the man to unravel her, to learn
what her impassive gaze hid...
It wasn't to be. But if there was one thing he knew was that the man
that did unlock her passions and find himself within her heart would be
fortunate indeed.
For the second time that evening Gerodere sighed. Maybe he'd even get
her to wear a dress--not everyone approved of her masculine uniform. A shadow
of a smile made it's way onto his lips.
And not everyone admired her bluntness, impulsiveness or
stubbornness...
Gerodere smiled. Well, Mother wouldn't have liked her anyway.
END
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