Asuka Langley, Ex-poser



Disclaimer: Characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion and elements from 
'Ex Poser' by Paul Jennings have been used without permission.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had gone on long enough. Shinji would be taught a lesson. Today. 

There he was right now, joking and laughing with his stupid friends. He 
was such a jerk, thinking he was so hot. How dare he humiliate me like 
that in front of everyone? HOW DARE HE.

But today, it would be his turn to experience that humiliation. Oh yes. 
His turn. I was going to expose him. Badly. And that stupid Wondergirl 
as well. They would go down together.

Actually, it had been Misato who gave me the idea over dinner one night. 
Watching Shinji's face slowly turn beetroot, and the cause of his 
embarrassment (Wondergirl), had been quite interesting. Bringing it up 
in public would be the perfect way to get back at him. 

As practical jokes go, this one had taken me a lot of trouble. I even 
had to enlist the help of Kensuke, for God's sake. He'd laughed like a 
maniac once he heard my plan of revenge, and he'd been quite willing to 
go along with it. With his knowledge of army gadgets and stuff, he 
helped me put the lie detector together. (I certainly couldn't afford a 
proper one, what with my meagre allowance.) Consequently, it was not 
without its bugs. Still, Kensuke was rather proud of his hand-made 
device. I promised to give it to him after I'd finished with it, 
although the money for its spare parts had come from MY paycheck. But 
boy, would it be worth it.

I surveyed the classroom. Rei was sitting at her desk as usual, staring 
out of the window. Shinji was talking to Kensuke and Touji. I watched 
them while I pretended to read a textbook. Every few seconds or so 
Kensuke would glance at me imperceptibly as he chatted. I waited 
impatiently, barely able to control my eagerness. Then finally, after 
what seemed like an eternity, he gave me a slight nod and tapped his 
nose. That was my cue.

"Hey, Hikari," I said, loud enough for half the class to hear. "Guess 
what I got yesterday."

"What?" said Hikari, genuinely interested. I hadn't told her about my 
plan of revenge. She'd have been too nice and considerate to go along 
with it. I'd be using her, to a small extent... but what she didn't know 
wouldn't hurt her.

"This." I waited until I was sure I had the attention of most of the 
class, flouncing my hair and posing a little for effect. Those stupid 
boys in the class always drooled when they saw me do that. Then I 
reached under my desk and pulled out a machine with all sorts of knobs 
and buttons and levers and wires and meters.

"What is it?" said Hikari.

"Guess."

"Something from the school lab... what's it called? A cathode ray 
oscilloscope?"

"Nope. Guess again." I snuck a glance at Kensuke. Good... he was 
pretending to be distracted by our conversation and subtly directing 
Shinji's attention to us.

"Is it one of those things you hook up to your heart to check if it's 
still beating?" Hikari tried again.

"Strike two! One more and you're out." 

"Umm..."

"Hah! I can tell what that little contraption is from a mile away!" 
shouted Kensuke, right on cue. He crossed over to our table. "It's a 
time bomb!"

Immediately the half of the class that had been listening to us scooted 
to the other side of the classroom.

"Dummkopf!" I said, whacking Kensuke on the head. "Don't be ridiculous! 
Of course it's not a bomb!"

The class sighed and relaxed.

"Then what is it?" Kensuke said. Under his breath, he muttered through 
clenched teeth, "Not so hard, you idiot."

"Look, I'm rewarding you for this, so stop complaining," I hissed back. 
"It has to look real, or he won't fall for it." Turning away from him, I 
raised my voice for the benefit of my listeners. "It's a lie detector." 

There were a few collected gasps of surprise and pleasure.

"How does it work?" said Hikari. By now, practically the whole class had 
their attention on us.

"Do you want to try?" I said hopefully.

Hikari laughed cheerfully. "Sure!"

Perfect. Everything was going according to plan.

The class gathered in a circle around us and watched as I hooked Hikari 
to the lie detector. "It's not a very high-tech lie detector, so you can 
only ask each person seven questions," I explained to everyone. That had 
been Kensuke's fault. "That meter over there with the plus and minus 
signs... yes, that's the one, it shows whether you're lying or not. 
Look, I'll show you."

I turned to Hikari. "Here's the first question. Are you a girl or a boy?"

Hikari laughed. "I'm a girl, of course."

Immediately the meter indicator pointed at the '+' sign. Everyone 
gasped. Kensuke smirked proudly. He had reason to: after all, he'd made 
the thing.

I continued, "This time, tell a lie. Hikari, are you a girl or a boy?"

"I'm a boy," said Hikari. The indicator flipped to point at the '-' 
sign. The class gasped again. You had to hand it to Kensuke. It worked 
like a charm. 

"You've got five more questions," I said. "Does anybody want to ask her 
anything?"

"I do," said Touji. He stepped up to the table and took a deep breath. 
"Do you have a crush on anybody?"

Hikari blushed deeply. This was not part of the plan, and Hikari was 
looking very uncomfortable. Before things could get out of hand, I stood 
up quickly. But Hikari beat me to it. 

"Yes," she said softly. The meter indicated '+'. That was no surprise. 
Everyone knew that the class monitor never lied. It was the truth she'd
exposed that was the most shocking.

The whole class stared at her. Touji coughed and asked his second 
question. "Is he in this classroom?"

Hikari suddenly became very interested in her fingernails.

"Is he?" repeated Touji.

"...Yes..." Again, the pointer remained at '+'. The class was in an
uproar.

Touji was starting to turn red as well. For a moment I thought he was 
going to turn and leave. Then he blinked sharply and seemed to gain some 
resolve. He asked, "Would you mind if everyone knew who he was?"

Hikari was now staring at the pointed tips of her school shoes. My heart 
went out to her. I leaned over and whispered, "I'm sorry for getting you 
into this. It's okay if you don't want to answer."

She looked up and squeezed my arm gratefully. "It's okay," she whispered 
back. She turned to Touji, smiling. "No, I don't think I would."

Touji looked startled, as if not expecting that answer. He ran his 
fingers nervously through his hair.

"You have two questions left," I reminded him, glancing at the machine.

Touji said to the blackboard, "Does he... enjoy your cooking?"

Hikari blushed even more deeply. "I... think he does. I hope he does."

Touji turned back to face her, rubbing his nose in embarrassment. 
"D'you... d'you think he knows already? That... that you like him?"

Hikari met his gaze squarely. "He does. I'm certain of it."

They probably would've gone on staring at each other forever if the lie 
detector hadn't started beeping, signalling that the seven questions 
were up. That brought them crashing back down to earth. They looked away 
as if stung, making the whole class laugh.

"You okay?" I said to Hikari. She smiled, nodding happily. 

"Hikari?" said Touji, sticking his hands in his pockets and looking at 
everything but her. "Do you... wanna go to the cafeteria to get a drink 
or something?" Hikari nodded again. The room was filled with whistles 
and catcalls as they left. 

Okay. Time for the real action to begin. I called above the noise, 
"Anyone else want to try?" 

"No way!" said a girl. "How embarrassing."

Uh oh. Maybe that little prologue had backfired. I nudged Kensuke, fast. 

"Oh, that's too bad!" he said quickly. "Such a cool machine going to 
waste!" He pretended to look around the room. "Hey, Rei!" he called. 
"You've been quiet for most of the day. Do you want to have a go?"

Rei turned to stare at the commotion in the middle of the room. "No."

Kensuke pretended to be disappointed. "Aw, man... well, someone has to 
try it! Go on, Shinji, you try it!"

Shinji reacted in the way expected of him. "M-m-me?" he stammered.

"Yeah! Come on, it'll be fun," Kensuke urged.

Shinji looked this way and that, finally resting his gaze on me, 
searching for any signs of trickery. I looked as innocent as possible.

Kensuke slapped him on the back. "Stop stalling. You don't think she's 
got anything planned, do you?"

Shinji relented. "Oh, all right." 

I smirked inwardly.

Carefully I hooked him up to the machine. I didn't want anything to go 
wrong, not now. Finally I finished. I darted a glance at Rei. She was 
still staring out the window, but I could see she was slightly 
interested in what was going on now. Kensuke calling to her had been 
an expert move.

"I don't want you chickening out in the middle of this, so I'll cut you 
a deal," I said. "In the case that you do chicken out, you'll have to 
wash the dishes for a whole month. Agreed?" 

"A month?" yelled Shinji in shock. "Oh, whatever."

He still didn't suspect a thing. Neither did Rei. 

It was their hour of doom and undoing. If I could have used sound 
effects at the moment, there'd have been thunder crashes and loud
organs churning chords.

I began. "Shinji... have you ever kissed Rei Ayanami?" I said loudly.

Shinji choked and blushed to the roots of his hair. "Wha-wha-wha-wha-?" 

The class took this as a sign of guilt and all eyes turned towards Rei. 
She stared back. Slowly, a touch of red the colour of her eyes appeared 
in her cheeks. She coughed lightly to hide her embarrassment.

Everyone turned back to Shinji, whose face was going through all the 
shades of a glorious sunset. "Well, have you?" I smirked. I was sure my 
face was one of a victorious devil. 

Shinji couldn't meet my gaze. He certainly couldn't back out now. One 
month's dishes at Misato's place was no small deal. "No," he mumbled.

The lie detector meter indicated '+'. 

This was a surprise. I tried again, "Have you ever held her hand?"

This time, Rei coughed very violently. There were a few giggles, mostly 
from the girls. The unflappable stoic Rei Ayanami, exposed...! I caught 
Kensuke's eye and he gave me a thumbs-up. I was nearly there.

Slowly, Shinji shook his head. "No," he said again. 

The meter remained at '+'. 

Hmm. Hmm hmm hmm. Was I on the wrong track? But I was almost certain 
that Shinji and Rei... at least, that was what Misato had said. Soon 
after I'd got here, she told me that Rei had been the reason Shinji'd 
agreed to pilot EVA for the first time. She described it in great 
detail. If that wasn't love at first sight, then I didn't know what was.

I tried another tack. "Is there any girl that you have a crush on?" I 
was getting cautious now. In case I'd made a mistake.

Tiny, strangled noises became audible. They were coming from Shinji's 
throat. Come on, come on, I thought, say yes...

"Yes," he choked. He looked like he wanted to dig a hole and hide in it. 

The meter remained at '+' again. There were 'oohs' and 'aahs' from the 
female audience and some grunts from the boys. 

Good. We were getting somewhere. This was more like it. I said, with 
building confidence, "Is she in this classroom?" Had to make sure it 
wasn't someone like Misato or something.

There was a moment's silence. "Yes!" Shinji almost shouted. The girls 
started squealing in excitement. "Please, please, please let it be me!" 
"He is SO cute!" were among the more prominent cries. I frowned. I'd 
never realized he was so popular among the girls. How disappointing my 
friends' tastes were. But to get back to the task on hand.

"Three questions left," I crowed triumphantly. "Does the lucky girl have 
red eyes?" It was common knowledge that Rei had red eyes.

Shinji looked quickly at Rei. So did the rest of the class. Rei's face 
was more colourful than it'd ever been in the whole time I'd known her. 

"No," Shinji managed to squeak. The meter indicated '+'. 

Darn, it wasn't Rei.

"Brown eyes, then?" I tried.

Shinji halted apprehensively. "No," he said in a low voice. 

I looked at the meter. It hadn't moved the whole time. It was still 
pointing at '+'.

Carefully, I scanned everyone in the classroom. "I don't see any girl 
without brown or red eyes," I hissed to Kensuke. 

"We can," said Kensuke. The whole class was looking at me.

Uh oh.

I felt my face grow extremely hot. Suddenly, I wanted the ground to 
open up and swallow me whole... or, better yet, an Angel to bomb the 
school and trash the whole place so that no-one who'd witnessed what'd
happened today could leave this classroom alive.

I looked at Kensuke, then at the class, who was gaping at me, then at 
Rei, who was gazing out of the window, and then at Shinji, who was 
fiddling with the buttons on his shirt. There was nothing to do except 
stare at my own fingernails. And ask the final question.

"Is she... is she a stuck-up idiot?" I said timidly, unable to look up.

"Yes." His answer was no more than a whisper. "And she has blue eyes."


THE END


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