(5-96) A few weeks ago, a "mother of the year" was chosen by a national magazine. She was interviewed on many network TV shows. She was upbeat, positive, a "10" in every aspect. The interviewer asked about her husband. She answered: "Oh, he was wonderful and very supportive..." The interviewer asked about her boss and her company. She answered: "Oh, my boss is very supportive... My company is supportive of innovative ideas..." She was a perfect spokesperson. There were no weak points. You couldn't crack her open. You couldn't get to the dark side of her life.

I don't know why this whole thing bothered me so much. Any news I saw on TV evaporated in a matter of hours. But this story stayed with me for days. I finally figured out a few reasons. First, Chinese mothers are never so outspoken. The image of a model Chinese mother is quiet, patient, loving, and hard working. She always stays in the background, but she is really the pillar of the household. She may look a little shabby, but her eyes are kind. She may look a little fragile, but she has a strong will. She endures, and you can see it from the lines on her face. Endurance is the key. Life is harsh, it's especially harsh for Chinese women. Imagine the society that made women bind their feet for hundreds of years just to please their men. I searched my memory for the mothers who were praised by the news media for their greatness. It was always someone who endured some kind of harshness and survived. Let it be a mother who had to carry her disabled child through the rice fields to school every day. Or a mother who worked as a servant to support her family of seven. She is never successful, but she always endures. What do all of these things mean?

I realize I have most of the Chinese woman's characteristics in me. If I have the outlook this life is to be endured, I can't possibly be very optimistic about life. I can't possibly be as upbeat as the "mother of the year" chosen by the magazine. I can never be as successful as the "mother of the year", not even a tenth of it. My god, where do I fit in this society.

But, wait a minute. All the mothers I know, the American mothers, I mean, are not like the "mother of the year" either. They struggle as hard as I do. Their companies are not supportive. They are not model workers. They have to take off early, or call in sick so that they can deal with their children's needs. Their husbands are just like mine, they don't know what to put on their babies if it's their turn to take the children to daycare. But these are the problems a "mother of the year" would not mention. Because she has successfully managed them. Or else she wouldn't be chosen, would she? What does this all mean for the rest of us mothers. What does this mean for all women, and the society in which they live. Is American society truly better than the one that made women bind their feet for hundreds of years?

I find the cheerleading part of American culture hard to accept. Especially when it comes to the issue of motherhood. Except for a few nutty cases, I can't imagine a bad mother. I don't care whether they succeed in their motherhood or not. The mere effort of raising a child is worth a salute. Why choose A "mother of the year", when most of us are juggling with a career and a family, and feel terribly torn and inadequate, anyway. Worst of all, why does mother of the year have to be successful in every aspect? By setting an example of her success, are we in fact setting a tyranny over the not so successful mothers. What kind of value and message are we trying to communicate with such an example? I thought a community (or a society) is about sharing experiences. Then let our mothers speak up about their difficulties, about the harshness of their environment, about the down side of motherhood. Let's not choose a mother of the year who can only give us the wonderful cheer of being a perfect woman. Let's choose a mother who can honestly share her experience and feelings with the rest of us.