Premarital Counseling

Since we are both members of the Faith Community Baptist Church, we are required to go a 7-week premarital class in order to be married by one of the pastors in church. The church has this Family Life & Counseling Ministry that caters for this type of stuff. We went through a lot of problems arranging for the class schedule due to my travel plans but you should have read about this earlier in the previous write-up. If not, press the "BACK" button on the browser and you will be directed back.

Procedures

1. Just registering itself take about 2 hours since we are required to take a Taylor-Johnson Temperament Test. We also need to bring the following to register:

  • passport size photos and birth certificate
  • payment fees of $60 each
  • collect 3 cassettes, i.e., Eph 5:22-33 "The Role of the Husband" and "the Role of the Wife" by Rev Ronald L. Blanc, and "Sex begins at Breakfast," and 2 books, i.e "the Act of Marriage: the Beauty of Sexual Love" by Tim and Beverly LaHaye (Zondervan Publishing) and "Marriage Takes More than Love" by Jack and Carole Mayhall (Navpress).
  • homework assignments

2. The homework files contain some assignments that we are suppose to complete even before going for one of the classes [by the way, we are attending the class by Noel and Elsie Chong at Bishan on Fridays Feb 25 to April 7 - I'll be flying to the US during the week-end, i.e., April 9]. So here are some of the questions that we actually need to answer before the start of class:

  • reasons for choosing my mate:
    1. 7 qualities that would be desirable in a spouse-to-be
    2. 10 reasons that led to decision to marry
    3. 5 personal and specific goals for the marriage
    4. 5 contributions I will bring to the marriage
  • family history: questions about the father, mother and other siblings, plus their influence on our behavior
  • a marriage expectation inventory: questions on love, communication, freedom, sex, money, selfishness, religious expectation, relatives and children
  • premarital communication inventory: questions on how we communicate with our partner during our dating relationship
Not exactly easy questions about the marriage, huh? Both Shuhui and I felt that the questions are pretty difficult. The thing is, it'll be based on the answers that we give in the assignments that the pastor decides whether we should proceed with the wedding as planned, or to postpone the wedding and settle our differences before going ahead.

Next, I will be writing on the some of the key take-aways from the 7-session class, perhaps to serve as a constant reminder that these are to be practiced throughout the marriage.

Week 1: Lesson on the Christian Marriage

  • marriage is a relationship between man and woman, intended by God to be a monogamous relationship, intended to be a permanent bond in which many needs are satisfied - the need to love and to be loved, the need for deep friendship, for sharing, for companionship, for sexual fulfillment, for children, the need to escape loneliness. Marriage ought to be a bond of sacrificial love where husband and wife become one, one flesh, a unity.
  • God's principles: leaving (breaking away), cleaving (commitment), becoming one flesh (oneness)
  • the 4 purposes of marriage: companionship, sexual relations, reproduction and nurture
  • the nature of marriage: permanent, a covenant (final and irrevocable) of commitment, love and loyalty, monogamous and exclusive, for this world only.
  • the areas of expectation: security, companionship, sex, understanding and tenderness (touch, kiss, love,...), encouragement, mutual activity, intellectual closeness, spiritual growth.

Week 2: The Role of the Husband

  • the Biblical role of the husband: the husband loves his wife (sacrificial, purifying, caring and unbreakable love); the husband leads his wife, the husband honours his wife (appreciates her and makes her feel dignified); the husband intercedes for his wife.
  • what a wife desires from the husband: fulfill the role of a man, real interest in home things, a father to the children, care in personal habits, financial fairness, patience in sexual matters, little remembrances, program of advancement (home, career,...), discuss things, show appreciation.
  • 10 sources of feminine dissatisfaction in a marriage relationship:
    1. low self-esteem
    2. fatigue and time pressure
    3. loneliness, isolation and boredom
    4. absence of romantic love in marriage
    5. financial difficulties
    6. sexual problems in marriage
    7. menstrual and physiological problems
    8. problems with children
    9. problems with in-laws
    10. aging

Week 3: The Role of the Wife

  • the priorites of the wife: God -> husband -> children -> career
  • roles of the wife: to be a helper, to be submissive, and to respect (the husband's personhood, his weaknesses, his opinions and ideas, and his position as leader)
  • what the husband desires from the wife: wife be content with role, a support in his areas of need, home (affection, understanding, encouragement), dress like a woman, skilful use of make-up, cleanliness and daintiness, encouragement (comment on strength), allow the husband to be gentleman, be responsive in bed.

Week 4: Self-esteem (self-worth)

  • self-esteem is an emotional attitude and it depends on what we think of ourselves. It is based on a system of pictures and feelings we have put together of ourselves, including both mental pictures and emotional feelings. The important thing is that what we see and feel will determine our relationship with people and God.
  • we get our self-image from 4 ways: how we see ourselves, what the world says about us, what satan says about us, what God says about us. Of the 4 ways, 3 are faulty...only what God says about us is true.
  • how we see ourselves: we are often not a good judge - we can either have a too low opinion of ourselves, or we may go on an ego trip and think too highly of ourselves.
  • the world's standard of measurement for success and popularity is based on the following: physical attractiveness, intelligence, earning power, social skills, and talents. We must be wary of these standards because they make us dis-satisfied, and no one can ever be satisfied. This will lead us to think that those who fail are unworthy of love and deserved to be blamed and condemned...I must meet certain standards in order to feel good.
  • satan's biggest lie: my self esteem is based on my performance and other people's opinions (wrong!); my self esteem is based on my appearance and other people's admiration (wrong!); my self-esteem is based on my status and other people's recognition (wrong!). Inevitably, this will lead us to:
    • fear of punishment, and the propensity to punish others
    • fear of failure
    • fear of rejection
    • fear of shame: "I must be approved or accepted to feel good about myself", or "I am what I am, I am hopeless,...."
  • the real self-esteem is based on what God says about me: God loves me deeply, God forgives me fully and I am fully pleasing to Him, God accepts me totally, and I am absolutely complete in Christ. To have a proper self-esteem, we need a sense of belonging, a sense of worth, and a sense of competence. The Godhead Trinity fulfills all these requirements: God the Father gave us a sense of belonging, His Son Jesus gives us a sense of worth (He died for us on the cross), and the Holy Spirit gives us competence (I can cope, I can do this, I am able,...)

Week 5: Financial goals and priorities

  • God associates our ability to handle spiritual matters with our ability to handle money
  • it is important because we are only caretakers of what really belongs to God
  • it is necessary to help us avoid a number of major money mistakes, i.e., getting into debt beyond our means to pay, living a money-centered life, and witholding benevolence
  • the 5 principles of handling money are: tithe 10% of our total income, pay in full and on time, save 10% (after the tithes), live on 70% and use the remaining 20% of nett for debts and future needs.

Week 6: Communication

  • it is the process of sharing yourself, both verbally and non-verbally in such a way that the other person can understand and accept (not agreeing, but understanding what the other person feels) what you are saying.
  • the 5 levels of communication are: cliche conversation (How are you?); reporting facts about others (Jack and Jill did this....); my ideas and judgements, my feelings, and complete emotional personal communication.
  • important note: communication must be an act of blessing and not cursing. It must be an act of building and not to destroy.
  • barriers to communication: lack of time, low self-esteem, prejudice, exhaustion (from work), distraction (TV, radio, telephone, etc), jumping to conclusions, giving advice, preaching, judgemental, poor listening skills, stubbornness, lack of privacy, night meetings, going to bed at different times.
  • we need to listen to understand. Interruption is a bad habit and must be broken. Point out bad habit in private, never in public, and in love. Pray and ask God to break the habit.
  • pointer to improve communication: schedule family matter, have visiting hours in the ofice, eat lunch together whenever possible, be considerate - call if late, feed kids separately, lower standards for household chores, schedule time to be alone together, limit TV, don't hold conversations right after one partner arrives home from work, have family day each week, recognize that some times are not right for talking, have one date with each other once a week, go to sleep at the same time, plan activities together.
  • 7 rules for having a good fight
    1. keep it honest - be committed to honesty and mutual respect
    2. keep it under control - make sure your weapons are not deadly
    3. keep it timed right - agree together that the time is right
    4. keep it positive - be ready for a positive solution right after taking a swing
    5. keep it tactful - watch your words and guard your tone
    6. keep it private - don't swing at your mate in public
    7. keep it cleaned up - when it's all over, clean up the mess with kindess, tenderness, forgiveness
    How do you stop most fights? Simple. When you are beaten, surrender. When you are whipped, graciously quit. Remarkable as it seems, some adult married couples can be very poor losers. Very childish. All it takes is 3 monosyllabic words : "I am wrong" or "You are right" When you say this, the fight ends.
  • facts about in-law tensions: the person causing most of the conflicts is usually the mother-in-law. Victims are usually the daughters-in-law. Competition and conflict is most violent when they live together in the same household. Rearing of children is frequently another area they interfere.
  • principles to follow with in-laws: no in-law interference can damage a sound marriage. The policy to adopt is to make it clear and you want to be friendly, and you want harmony between the generations, but you will not tolerate unwarranted interference in your marriage. A confrontation should be followed up by a sincere and genuine attempt to be friendly and conciliatory. If you and your in-laws really have nothing in common, short visits from time-to-time is best. Remember that family ties cannot be broken - a time may come when you need their help and they need yours.

Week 7: Sexual Intimacy

  • the purpose of sex as taught in Scriptures:
    • recreation, pleasure - our bodies are designed and equipped for it. Pleasure is a by-product, not a goal of life. Pleasure was designed to be enjoyed within marriage.
    • communication - sex is a means of expressing the deep unity a husband and wife feel toward one another.
    • release - sex drives, tensions, and enrgies are real. Our desire is met by God's design.
    • procreation - sex is the vehicle God designed for babies to come into the world.
  • the Christian message: sexuality is part of God's creation. The husband-wife relationship is a frequent symbol of God's relationship with His people. Biblical writers assume that a married couple will enjoy sexual pleasure.
  • the 4 phases of sex: foreplay, excitement, climax (orgasm), and afterglow (tender-loving care)
  • barriers to good sex: the mind (it controls the hip), physical barriers (fatigue, overweight, too full, sickness/disease, odour, lack of touch/romance/preparation/communication, anxiety about body, mechanical sex), and emotional barriers (depression, anger, fear of pain/failure/pregnancy, performance anxiety, annoyance, false guilt, mental block).

Next: Wedding Preparation

http://www.oocities.org/Tokyo/Courtyard/9049
a service of Weikwan, Inc.
most recent update: Mar 31, 2000
Copyright Ng Wei Kwan 2000 all rights reserved
Romans 8:28