Consoling
By Mirror and Image
Authoress' Note: Okay, please bear in mind that we've only seen the first four episodes at the time of this writing, and the rest is based of the brief reviews we've read online. We do hope you enjoy. This story probably takes place shortly before Kenshin and company meet up with Megumi, which makes life easier for us. Sorry for all of our inaccuracies.
As I continue to scrub out the dirty clothes in front of me, I look out to the southeast. I normally wander down to Kyoto at this time of year, but I am finding that the longer I stay here, at the Kamiya dojo, the harder it is for me to leave. The deep ache that I hide inside of my heart is begging me to leave, and soon, but I just can't disappear as I normally would in previous years.
Suddenly, a loud crash interrupts my train of thought. Yahiko must have misjudged his steps again. He often does that.
Putting the last bit of laundry up to dry, I walk over to the training pair. Kaoru had thought the weather was nice enough to practice outside, but Yahiko is used to wooden floors under his feet, not soft earth that can shift under your weight. However, as Yahiko delivers his tirade about how stupid the Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu is, I notice that Kaoru isn't listening at all.
"Kaoru-dono?" I ask hesitantly.
"Okay, Yahiko-chan," she shouts. "You get to clean up the whole dojo! And you have to do it by nightfall, or no dinner!"
"Don't call me chan!!" Yahiko yells back defiantly. "And why the harsh punishment? What'd I do this time?"
Kaoru tosses him a bucket and cloth. "Just get started," she says harshly.
"Kaoru-dono?" I question again. "Are you all right de gozaru?"
"I'm fine," she replies. A little to quickly I think, but I don't press the matter. Who am I, after all, to pry? I have ruined countless lives and stained myself with so much blood that I never do see my hands without a red tint. What can I do? I am not worthy of trying to help, other than to protect those around me. That is all I can do. Fighting is my only purpose in life, so there is no way I could help aside from protecting people.
"Oi, Jou-chan," that's Sanosuke. "Why're ya being so hard on the kid?"
"I am not a kid!!"
"He hasn't done anything out of the ordinary."
"Would you like to join him in clean up?" Kaoru demands. Lifting his hands, Sano backs away.
"Jou-chan, what side of the futon did you get up on this morning?"
Kaoru's face goes red in anger, and I think it's about time I interrupt them before someone decides to hurt the other.
"Would you all like some miso soup this morning?" I ask, smiling brightly. Sure enough, the tension eases in the room, but Kaoru is still not her usual self.
"That sounds excellent!" she replies, but there is only faked enthusiasm behind her words. Situation handled, I head for the kitchen, but Kaoru's behavior this morning tugs at the back of my mind. Something isn't right. For the past few weeks, Kaoru has been slowly withdrawing from the rest of us. She doesn't smile as easily, and when she does, it seems like a forced smile. Her normally radiant ki is somewhat dimmer than before, and it's not from the problem women normally experience in cycles. I decide to be more watchful than usual with her today, but I feel that there is something I have to do.
I shake the gi I'm cleaning and hang it up to dry, while my mind ponders yesterday. Kaoru acted perfectly normal but she seemed to be hiding something deep inside. Something she doesn't want to share, but probably needs to.
Yahiko walks by, pulling me from my speculations, and asks what breakfast will be this morning.
"Some vegetables in the garden should be ripe de gozaru," I reply, but my mind registers an irregularity. Yahiko is never awake before Kaoru. Perhaps what's bothering her kept her awake and is letting her sleep in, I tell myself. Despite how I've lived my life, not everything is a life-threatening situation. Kaoru will be fine once she's finished dealing with what's bugging her. I can't interfere because I'd only hurt her more. Though I try to protect people, I can't get to close, or else the Battousai in me will cause them to suffer. Whenever I feel the Battousai rising, I leave to wander again, but the Hitokiri has not brushed my mind for a long time.
"Morning Kenshin," Sanosuke says, closing the gate behind him. "Jou-chan in a better humor this morning?"
I finish the clothes I'm cleaning and reply, "Actually, she hasn't gotten up yet. I'll go see if she's alright de gozaru."
"Fine. I'll go see how the kid's doing."
"I am not a kid!!!"
"Sure you're not."
Yahiko fumes, but I don't stay around to diffuse the matter. Sanosuke will know when to stop. My top concern is Kaoru. I pause at the shoji, and lightly rap on the wood. [Shoji is the sliding door used in traditional Japanese homes, we think. If we're wrong, let us know.]
"Kaoru-dono?" I ask gently. "I'll be getting breakfast soon de gozaru. Kaoru-dono, are you awake?" Nothing answers me. Not a sound. Not a breath. "Kaoru-dono? I'm coming in." I wait a few moments and enter her room. The futon lay on the ground, not even slept in. On the pillow was a note. I rush over and pick it up.
Kenshin,
I know I'm probably going to worry you by sneaking off like this, but there's somewhere I need to be today. I probably won't be home until late tonight, so please don't wait up. I'm sorry to worry you, but I'll be all right.Kaoru
I study her handwriting, my fist shaking. Her brush strokes are wavy and troubled. She left the dojo very upset. There is a small watermark at the bottom of the page. She was crying and I didn't hear her. She was in pain and I didn't help her. She could have been taken by force from here. What kind of protector am I?
Sessha no baka, I inwardly yell at myself. If she were taken by force, her room would have betrayed the fact. She left of her own free will, but very upset at the time. The Battousai raises its head within me, asking how I could let this happen. What if someone is using her to get to me and she left so that no one got hurt? [I am an idiot. Sessha is the Kenshin way of saying "I".]
"Kenshin, are you ever going to start breakfast?" Sanosuke's voice calls. When I don't reply, he comes in. I ignore him and stare at the note. There has to be a more logical explanation for this. Whatever has been bothering her might have become too much so she decided to go away for a while. But why not tell anyone? What was wrong?
Sanosuke pulls the note from my hand and reads it as my fists continue to shake.
"Don't worry, Kenshin," he says. "I'm sure she'll be fine. She wouldn't leave without a good reason." I say nothing but quickly leave the room.
Yahiko and Sanosuke yell after me, but I continue forward. If Kaoru left, then she would go to a place she is familiar with. I have been around long enough that I have some ideas as to where she might go. While I don't know everywhere she'd go, I know the places she would frequent.
The first place I find is a quiet spot by the river. She often comes here when she needs to think, so it's the first place I think she might go. Unfortunately, there is no sign of her. I next go to the Akabeko.
"Tae-dono," I ask when I see her, "Have you seen Kaoru-dono?"
"Why no," she replies. "I haven't seen her since you all last came by. Is something the matter?"
"It's nothing, de gozaru," I answer. The Battousai, however, doubts my statement. I don't stay long enough to answer Tae's questions, but instead go to the only other place I can think of. Dr. Genzai's.
When I approach the house, I can hear Ayame-chan and Sazume-chan's voices. Both sound like they are playing some game in the flowers. Dr. Genzai is watching nearby and gets up as I come in.
"Why hello, Kenshin," He greets me. "And how are you this glorious morning?"
"Excuse me for interrupting you," I reply quietly. "But Kaoru-dono disappeared this morning."
"Nani??"[What??]
"She left a note saying she'd be gone today, but not to worry. Doctor, where could she have gone?"
Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan run up, hugging Dr. Genzai.
"Is Kaoru-onee-san all right?" they ask. Apparently they heard what I was saying.
Dr. Genzai pauses for a moment, scratching his beard. "Hai hai. She's just fine. Say, you two, look over there! It's a butterfly!"[Yes yes.]
"Bu'fly!" The two happily start chasing it.
"Come to think of it," the old doctor says, "she would be visiting him today."
Him? I ask myself. What is that supposed to mean? Is there someone else in Kaoru's life that I don't know about? What if he's the one who hurt her? The Battousai tells me that his blood will stain my hands if any harm becomes Kaoru. I give myself a mental shake and turn my attention back to Dr. Genzai.
"Where would she visit de gozaru?"
He rattles off an address and I thank him for it.
"Jii-chan! Can we see that lady today?" one of the children asks as I depart. I quickly maneuver through the growing crowds, politely asking for directions when I can. The only thing occupying my mind is a word. Hurry.
Approaching the address, I see that I am coming upon a cemetery. A huge weight seems to be pulled off my shoulders as I realize that Kaoru must be safe. She's visiting someone else. Not what my train of thought was telling me. However, the Hitokiri in me tells me to be wary nonetheless.
I silently enter the graveyard, spreading my senses out everywhere. There are several people here, but I recognize a ki pattern behind a row of sakura trees. I approach lightly. I don't want to disturb Kaoru, since she intended this to be a private day.
As I reach a sakura tree, I hear her sobbing, though she sounds like she's desperately trying to control it as she talks to a headstone.
"Otou-sama," she says respectively, "you'd like the people that surround me now."
Her father? I know he died, but I realize that today must be the anniversary of his death. The first year anniversary. It's no wonder Kaoru has been so upset. She is still grieving.
"I have a new student," she says. I observe her from behind the pink blossoms that gently sway in the breeze. "He's a little rough around the edges, but he's very good. You know dad, I don't know how you managed to survive with me as a child," her sobs come back, but she steadies her voice, "because Yahiko-chan is just like I was. He's such a brat. I must have made life very difficult for you. Suminasen, father."[I'm sorry.]
"Anyway," she continues, voice wavering, "You'd like the pride he has in his heritage. There's also this freeloader, named Sanosuke. He really needs a woman in his life. He's a bachelor to the core, and always gambles his money away. But he's actually very sweet, in a rough and abrasive sort of way. He's got a very big heart under all that 'bad' attitude of his."
I can't help but smile as she continues to describe Yahiko and Sanosuke. Her insights are very accurate, and she seems to care for them very much. But my smile doesn't come without a sad tinge. She hasn't mentioned me, and even though I know that should not matter, it does. I was Hitokiri Battousai; I should not care what others think of me. She has her own life. Perhaps it really is time for me to leave Tokyo. I think maybe, I've helped out enough people here.
As I turn to leave, Kaoru's voice penetrates my fog of self-loathing, freezing me and preventing me from eavesdropping any further.
"There is another man who is staying with me at the dojo, father," she says, her voice steadying. "His name is Kenshin. Father, I… he… he is a very scarred man. I don't mean the cross on his cheek; I mean his very spirit is scarred from the war. He never shows it, but I think he harbors serious regrets from what he did in the war. He seems to think he's unworthy of everything, but… father, he is a good man inside, even if he doesn't see it himself."
You are very wrong, Kaoru. I am not a good man. A good man doesn't spill the amount of blood I have. A good man doesn't perfect killing. A good man is not I.
"He's such a dear. He cooks, cleans, everything I could never do. He knows just what to say and when. He is gentle with everyone, trying not to hurt their feelings, but always keeping himself distant."
That is because if I get to close, I will hurt people. Making them happy is just my way of staying away. If people are satisfied, then they won't recognize me and try to pry. By being easy going, I prevent people from remembering me as anything other than "that nice man, what was his name?" It is the only way I can survive.
"Well, that's how things are going, father," Kaoru says, the noontime sun making her raven hair shine. "I… I just…" her shoulders start to shake and her voice cracks. With a wail, she falls to her knees crying. Somewhere, deep down, my heart feels like it's crushing in on itself. She's crying. She's hurting. And I'm about to walk away.
Sessha no baka, I say to myself again. A small voice tells me to stay away. That getting close will make wandering hard, for all I am is a rurouni. But she is in pain. I can't just leave her like this. I vowed to protect people, and part of that protection includes when pain comes from within.
I let out a small sigh and turn towards her. Picking off a small branch of sakura blossoms, I walk over to her and offer them.
"Kenshin?" she sobs.
"Kaoru-dono," I reply quietly. I separate a small branch of blossoms from the larger one in my hand and put it above her ear. "It's all right to cry de gozaru." I sit down next to her.
With another sob, she flings her arms around me, burying her tearstained cheeks into my chest. She balls for a long time, and all I can do is sit there, hold her tightly, and try to comfort her in the best way I can.
"Kenshin," she cries between sobs. "It hurts so much! Why? Why? Why does it hurt so much? It's been a year since he died, but it still hurts!"
"Kaoru-dono," I say, grasping for words that might comfort her grief. "You were very close with your father, were you not?"
"Hai," she sniffles, taking the sakura branch from my hand and cradling it. [Yes.]
"The closer you are with a person," I say, trying to put as much compassion into my voice as possible. I cannot actually let my feelings come forth, else I would break down myself, "The closer you are with a person, the more pain you feel when he or she dies. It doesn't matter how long you've know the person, the closer you are, the more it hurts and the harder it is to move on."
An image flashes across my vision as Kaoru nuzzles my neck, trying to stop her tears. An image I have not let myself see for a long time. The image of my wife, Tomoe. I see her as my blade penetrates her body, covering my already stained hands with more blood. I see her standing in the moonlight, her dark hair flowing in the wind. I see her as she finally collapses and grieves over her fiancé's death at my hands. I can't help but notice how alike Tomoe and Kaoru are. They both feel so much. Kaoru merely shows it more, while Tomoe kept everything inside of her.
An idea comes to me on how to help Kaoru through this period of grief.
"Kaoru-dono," I whisper into her soft sakura-scented hair. "Does today hurt as much as when your otou-sama died?"
She bites back a few sobs, her sky blue eyes fogging in memory. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea. Having her compare grief might only compound what she's already feeling. Sessha no baka.
"Iya," she answers, her voice wavering. "It's very close, but it doesn't hurt as much as when I learned he died."
"You see then, de gozaru. Loosing a loved one hurts deeply, but it does lessen over time."
"When will it stop?" she whispers. "When will the pain stop?"
My head lowers. There is no end to the pain of loosing someone. At least none that I've found, and I've been hurting for over ten very long years. However, my pain has lessened over that time. The Battousai rises in me, reminding me that I will never loose pain for I am the one who gives pain to everyone else.
"You will never stop hurting," I respond finally. "But eventually, there will come a time when this day comes each year, and you will be sad, but able to distract yourself. The pain you feel now will shrink to a size you can live with it."
I have to start watching what I say, or else I will start feeling my pain all over again. Tomoe's image flashes across my vision again.
"Kaoru-dono, I once knew a women who was raised to be the perfect wife." Hitokiri yells at me for heading for such shaky ground. I can't mention this, or else I will loose myself. But the wanderer protests, saying I have to help. "She never showed anyone how she felt and did everything as she was suppose to do.
"Then, one day, the man she loved with all her heart was killed." I can feel my heart starting to shatter as I relive my own pain and misery. Somehow, I manage to keep it together to continue with my story. Perhaps my own grief can consol Kaoru's. "As the perfect wife, she didn't let herself grieve over her love's death. Instead, she got drunk for a time, and then moved in with another man."
"Kenshin," she asks. "What does this have to do with me?"
"A moment, de gozaru," I say. Mentally, I beg her not to interrupt me again, lest my own wall break. "She kept all the grief, anger, hate, resentment, loss, and negative feelings festering inside of her. Finally, she was able to let herself break down and grieve. However, it took her much much longer to get over her love's death, de gozaru. She felt a great deal of bitterness and pain before she was finally able to let go and move on in her life. However, in the end, she died. Though her heart was freed from all her grief and bitterness, it was permanently scarred from not letting herself feel what she needed to feel.
"Kaoru-dono, don't let yourself become that woman, de gozaru. Don't let your pain and hurt scar your heart by not letting yourself feel what you need to feel, de gozaru. I don't believe your father would want you to hurt yourself like that."
I hug her closely. I feel like a hypocrite, giving her the very advice I need to take myself. But at least I let my feelings out by protecting people. Even if I can do nothing more. "Don't stop yourself from crying," I continue. "Let everything out, and it will help the pain disperse faster."
The floodgates open as Kaoru holds me tighter, her tears never slowing, and she doesn't try to stop them.
We walk slowly back to the dojo, the sun setting off in the horizon.
"Um, Kenshin?"
"Oro?"
"I…Do you…arigatoo," she murmurs. Her hands come up and wipe a few stray tears from her eyes and she tries to dry her tear-stained cheeks. [thank you]
"Kochira koso, de gozaru," I reply, smiling. Maybe I can do a few things other than protecting. "Are you feeling all right now?" [My pleasure.]
"Hai. Ano, do you….do you think my father is proud of me?" her voice barely above a whisper. [Ano is a sort of non-committal sound, often used as "um".]
I pause in mid step, forcing her to turn and look at me. "Kaoru-dono," I say, "there is nothing for your father not to be proud of. You have a very kind and open heart; you try to help everyone around you; you teach splendidly. You have made your father very proud."
"Ano…I wasn't a very good daughter, and," she lowers her head obscuring her eyes with her midnight bangs, "I am not a very good lady. I can't cook or anything. I often wonder…. if…if my father…if he would have preferred a normal girl."
This comes out of the blue. Kaoru is a wonderful person, yet she doubts herself? Is this her grief talking, or something more? I pull her out of the crowd, to a more private area.
"Kaoru-dono," I whisper. "Don't you think that if your father preferred you to be more lady-like, he'd have forced you to be so?" She says nothing, so I take that to mean a yes. "Do you ever remember him speaking ill of you? Did he ever show you in any way that you weren't what he wanted in a daughter?"
"Iya."[No.]
"Then you don't have to worry, de gozaru. Besides," I put on my best smile, trying to cover some of the pain that this day of grieving has brought up, "you have made him very proud by protecting his school and teaching style. The Kamiya Kasshin Ryuu is still being taught."
"Demo, there's only one student, and the school is a mess. Bills don't stop coming just because the school is in a lull."[But]
"But you have done everything honorably. Given time, your school will get back to normal." I adjust the sakura branch that she still has in her hair. "You've done everything possible to make your father proud. He is smiling over you, wherever he is now, de gozaru."
"Do you really think so, Kenshin?"
"Hai," I answer firmly. "You are the type of person that any parent would be proud to have, de gozaru. You don't have to worry over that. And if not being 'ladylike' bothers you so much, you can always try to learn, de gozaru. You can do anything you set your heart to."
Kaoru looks at me, her features softening in the golden rays of the setting sun. Despite her cheeks glimmering from tears and her worry worn looks, the golden light that surrounds her and her ki, which is finally back to it's radiant self, gives her a most beautiful look as her raven hair shines and her ocean eyes shimmer.
With a small smile caressing her face, she bows very low in front of me.
"Domo arigatoo gozaimashita," she says, surprising me. Did I really help that much? Am I capable of easing someone's heavy heart when my own weighs me down? Perhaps I underestimate myself in a great number of things. [An extremely polite "thank you".]
"I don't know what I would have done without you, Kenshin," she whispers. "I am very sorry I made you worry."
I pull her back to the street and continue on our way home. "Kaoru-dono, don't worry about me worrying, de gozaru. I will be fine," I reply. Everything's going to be fine. As long as Kaoru is all right, I believe that there won't be any problems.
The moon is high in the sky when we finally return to the dojo. Dr. Genzai and his granddaughters are there, preparing dinner, and Yahiko is practicing in the moonlight.
"Hi everyone!" Kaoru calls. Ayame-chan and Suzume-chan immediately run up to her and hug her tightly.
"Kaoru-onee-chan! Are you all right now?"
"Hai," Kaoru says quietly, still quietly grieving. But she is better. She'll be back to her normal self in no time.
"Hey!" Yahiko yells. "I thought you were going to teach me a new part of that stance today! What happened?" I can't help but shake my head. Things are going to be normal in no time all right.
"Yahiko," Kaoru says quietly, a hint of steel in her voice. "What I did today was none of your business. However, if you feel so inclined as to learn that particular stance today, why don't I get changed and we can practice it all night?" She turns to her small apprentice and smiles.
"Oh no!" he shouts back. "I'm not loosing sleep over this Kasshin style! I want dinner and then to go to bed!"
"Are you sure?" Kaoru asks sweetly. "It'd only take a few moments to get my gi on, and then I could drill you on everything you've been learning as well."
"No need," Yahiko responds, running into the dojo to have dinner with Dr. Genzai.
"Dinner's ready," the old doctor says from the door. His grandchildren run in immediately.
"So what's for dinner?"
Kaoru and I turn around to see Sanosuke at the gate, chewing on a fishbone.
"Hey, Jou-chan! You're back! So, how'd everything go?"
"Sano," I caution. Kaoru has been through enough today, I believe, and I don't think she needs to be questioned about why she disappeared.
"It's all right Kenshin," Kaoru whispers behind me before dragging me inside to dinner. "I'll explain over dinner. Talking seems to help."
"Are you sure, de gozaru?"
"Hai. And if Yahiko or Sanosuke give me trouble over it," she leaves the sentence hanging but winks over to me.
Yes, things will be back to normal in no time.
The End