The Stories These Stones Could Tell
by M.E.
Mwa-hahahahahahahah! Disclaimers for all! ^_^
When I first became acquainted with YYH, I immediately thought that Hiei should someday be associated with the
song "I Am A Rock". I don't know why, I have yet to find the person who can explain the complexities of the brain of
teenage homo sapiens. This fan fic was a... calling, I guess. Rapunzel, it is needless to say, loves this idea.
Not that the actuall content was planned to be like this.
The Stories These Stones Could Tell...
By M.E. (Magnificent Entity)
(manda_hunter@yahoo.com)
A winter's day
In a deep and dark December.
I am alone,
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On freshly fallen silent shrouded snow.
I am a rock, I am an island.
In the end, I should have known. That's what I've always told myself, over and over again, year after year. I should
have known better than to trust, to open up. Since then I've adhered to my motto: trust no one. But even now I'm still
paying for the one time that I broke this self-governing rule, the one instance that I allowed myself to be seen, for the things around me to hold meaning,
matter. Apparently, somebody doesn't want me to forget what happened.
Ironically, that was what lead to my breaking- only two words, two words and my name, but it was enough to destroy the tiny flame that was once my soul, the small sliver that cared.
"Forget it, Hiei."
The words, so short, still echo in my head, will most likely echo there forever, rebounding and sometimes becoming louder, sometimes softer, but never going away. But they won't ever leave me, because I don't think I'll ever truly believe them. You would never be that cold, that hollow.
"Forget it, Hiei. Just forget it. It wouldn't have worked out anyway."
Oh, but you're so wrong there, fox. It would've worked. Even if it took me a thousand years to become what you wanted, it would've worked. You just couldn't wait, could you? Couldn't wait for me to open up, for me to become so much like the humans that you love.
However, you never gave me the chance, never gave me the instant I needed to prove myself, maintain that the whole thing was doomed from the start. I don't think you really understood what you were doing to me with those words, what those words are still doing to me.
It's like an ache that won't ever go away. A wound that
refuses to heal.
I've built walls,
A fortress steep and mighty
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship-
Friendship causes pain.
Its laughter and its loving I disdain.
I am a rock, I am an island.
It has taken a long time, and gone slowly, but I've finally rebuilt my walls. They're stronger this time, I am
not going to allow a mistake like you happen again. I've reinforced them, creating them one stone at a time,
painstakingly wiping out any feelings for you that might have been left behind.
I even wiped out my feelings for my sister, leaving her behind, distancing myself. It was her that lead me to this downfall, she cracked the wall, and I can't take the chance of such a thing crumbling my barricade again.
There is no longer a tiny flame burning inside my heart, begging the world around it to feed it. It, too, has been extinguished, not even any cinders left behind. I'm not going to leave any chance of it ever being rekindled.
Don't talk of love, well,
I've heard the word before,
It's sleeping in my memory;
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died.
If I never loved, I never would have cried.
I am a rock, I am an island.
I'll never understand you, fox. I'll never understand your quirks, your strange little schemes and intrigues. And when
I had the chance, I never tried. At one time I thought that you might have been directing those sly glances, winks, and
hair tossings at me, but now I know better, now I know that it was only you. You did it for everyone- but you never did
it for me.
I thought, for some strange reason, that my lonely life of self preservation was finally over. I thought that I'd finally found someone who would understand, finally found someone who I could open up with.
Shit, I was such a fool, wasn't I?
All we ever were was business partners, and even, at one
time, team mates. Never even friends. To think, before you I never really believed those yarns
about the cold, heartless beauty of youkos. Unfortunately, I now know that they are all to true.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me.
I am shielded in my armor;
Hiding in my womb, safe within my room-
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock, I am an island.
It won't ever happen again, as I've said, I've made sure that it won't. In an effort to escape the tantalizing
thought of madness, I've become more dedicated in my training than ever before. Mukuro, it must be said, is
delighted, she's taught me the art of kill now, ask questions later.If she knew that you were the cause of my
zeal, I'm sure she'd make sure to find some way to thank you.
She doesn't, however, and if she did she would also try to stop me now. It's a good thing that she doesn't know, I don't want any one to interfere, to interrupt and spoil my one moment of happiness.
Before, I would have felt guilty about my plans, guilty to do such a thing. But it's all changed now, thanks to you. Now I never feel guilty, never feel anything. Even the pain is gone, and those words are empty and hollow, echoing without any meaning.
"Forget it, Hiei."
Ah, but don't you see, fox? I can't forget you, no matter how hard I try, I'm never able to forget you. The way that you walked, your feminine voice, the way that you would toss your hair, the scent of roses that always hangs about you... Don't you see? I just can't do it. That's why I have to do this. It's the only way to make sure that I'll be able to forget you, the only way I'll be able to make sure that you won't ever pop up again and make that nagging ache start up again.
That's why I stand in front of you, why my katana is thrust through your heart, why I can't allow myself to be affected by the dazed look of amazement and betrayal on your face. After all, it was you who betrayed me first, wasn't it? You're only get what you deserve. The tables have turned.
So, not letting any of my nonexistent feelings show, I
slowly turn the blade, driving it in deeper. Might as well make sure it's a job done well, since it'll probably be thelast thing I do after the Reikai gets wind of this. Aren't you honored, fox? I saved you for last.
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries.
Now I am free, free to forget, to go on, free from your grip, from your memory.
I feel so alone.
Damn you, Kurama.
©01/25/2000 M.E. also known as Lady Manday of the Orange Root also known as Mandy H. or A.R.H. who can be reached at
jam@mac-addict.com. Comments, criticisms, death threats, etc. are encouraged and welcomed. Flames *will* be
accepted, but if ou send me a flame, I might send one back at you. All tessen wielding bandits from Konan will be
forwarded to Blue Jeans after being liberally doused with sake. Don't say I didn't warn you!