Tearin' Up My Heart
by Moerae
Tearin' Up My Heart
written by Moerae
It's yaoi so if you are again m/m pairing please do not read it. And C&C very much welcomed. Just don't flame me.^^;;
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It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you
Kurama gazed at the sleeping form of his best friend. 'Best friend, nothing more. Nothing....' Such a mockery of his love. He didn't want to be just another friend to Hiei. Even if the world ignored him, denied him, leaving him alone in bitterness and cold, he wanted Hiei to acknowledge him, accept him as someone who meant more than merely best friend. But he knew, more than anyone, that Hiei would never accept him. His ice heart was too scarred, had bled too much to let anyone approach. His failure to protect his sister had marked him too deep to heal.... The crimson blood of his sister had soaked him, and Hiei would never be able to cleanse himself, to free himself of the guilt. Kurama continued to stare at Hiei's still form, so battered by fatigue that he didn't even stir as Kurama played with his spiky hair. 'So close yet so distant. This is as close as I can ever get to you, isn't it? Hiei....' Kurama held onto the small hand of his friend, in secret fear that he would be denied even this small touch.
But when we are apart I feel it too
"Hiei when will you ever stop? When will you ever forgive yourself? When?" Kurama gazed outside his window, staring at the darkness where his best friend vanished as soon as he had regained consciousness. Just like the wind he fled. Like a wild, wounded animal in fear, he fled away from everyone including Kurama, avoiding the waking moments in which he would have to face reality. He would never let anyone touch him, closing off his ice heart rather than risking even the slightest chance that he would have to go through such anguish again. Once was enough, maybe too much for his fragile koorime heart. The pain in his heart was too deep, a little more pressure and everything would collapse. Then nothing would be able to glue back the shattered glass pieces of his heart.
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you
Kurama tried to forget. Perhaps denying his heart's desire would make him free. Free from the haunting dream of tortured ruby eyes, and the pain that followed his every waking moment. Kurama tried to cut away ties to the Reikai, Makai, everything that would remind him of Hiei's presence, but he failed. He couldn't dissolve all ties completely, but he tried to avoid them as much as he could. He would do anything, everything to forget his pain. The emptiness inside him was growing too fast for him to handle. It would one day consume everything wihin him, for it can never be filled. Its insatiable appetite would not be sated until Hiei comes back, but such a wish would never come true. Only Loneliness would be his constant companion, as Guilt would be for his fire demon. And it was a painful reminder that he would remain unloved by the one he desired most in the world. If he can just forget this pain, escape from the strong, unrelenting grip of loneliness.... When would this endless nightmare of living alone in a cold world end?
Baby I don't understand
Just why we can't be lovers
"Hiei, why do you deny yourself? Why do you force yourself to live in the shadow of your sister's death? Aren't you tired of loneliness? You know more about it that anyone. You are just like... me. Why?" Crystalline tears dropped down his smooth cheeks, but there was no one to wipe them off for him. Soft whispers of Darkness would not be able to console him, to stop those tears. If... if he can just be loved. If he can just hold onto Hiei, he would never let him go. They had more share of loneliness than anyone ever deserved. No one, not he nor Hiei deserved such cruel torture. Why can't they take comfort from each other's presence in this eternity? Everything would end someday, but will their loneliness end someday as well? Or will it be a mere continuation?
Things are gettin' out of hand
Tryin' too much but baby we can't win
Let it go
Books lay everywhere in Kurama's room and white papers full of scribbles were scattered all along the floor. It was as if a disastrous storm had swept through the room, bringing chaos with it. Maybe it was true, for a powerful storm called love had swept Kurama's heart with its unmeasurable force. All that was left of it was the few shattered remains. Kurama lay on his unmade bed, no longer caring what others would think of him. He was too tired to care now, and his room only reflected the despair in his heart. It had already been three months since that night. 'Hiei... where are you? Why are you hiding? Are you still in mourning for your sister? Isn't it time to forgive yourself? It wasn't your fault. How long are you going to make yourself suffer? Is eternity even enough for you? Will you ever return to me? Hiei....' Kurama shed another tear for his love. Three months he cried yet his tears seemed endless. How much tears would be enough to bring Hiei back? His tears weren't able able to turn into precious jewels, like that of the Koorime, but every single tear he had shed contained a part of his heart. All his sorrow, his anguish, and his undying love... everything. If he could just buy Hiei's heart with his tears, he would cry until his heart stops beating, until his soul fades away into nothingness.
If you want me girl let me know
I am down on my knees
I can't take it anymore
That night when Darkness reigned the land, Kurama finally confessed his love to Hiei. Hiei looked so beautiful under that silver moonlight, Kurama couldn't resist his desire, his heart any more. It had already been two years since Yukina's death, and there was no sign of Hiei recovering from his sister's death. After Yukina died, Hiei rarely visited him. It was as if he was avoiding everyone, as if... he was afraid of being reminded of Yukina and recall the brief yet piercingly painful memories involving her. Even when Hiei did visit him, he would never talk, would only sit on his windowsill for a moment and vanish soon afterwards, leaving no trace. All that was left for him, in those too brief moments, was to gather the memory of tortured ruby eyes, gazing evenly back at him, yet that refused to let him get closer. But Kurama couldn't hold onto such a delicate balance of friendship. Maybe that balance had been tilted ever since he first lay eyes on Hiei's mysterious crimson ones. He loved Hiei too much to settle for a simple friendship, and he would do anything to win him over. It was too late to set the balance right. So that night, when Hiei had last visited him, he held onto that his friend's slim body, before the little koorime could vanish like the breeze. He realized that body in his embrace was much thinner than before, and he hoped that next time they would embrace as lovers, who shared their immortal souls instead of being merely friends. Then he whispered...
Baby don't misunderstand
What I'm tryin' to tell ya
"Hiei, I love you. I offer you my heart, my soul. You can do anything to me but please don't reject me. Ai shiteru. Ai shiteru...." Kurama continued to utter those words in Hiei's ears as reverently as a priest would at prayer. A prayer to whatever deity, looking down upon them from heaven and perhaps if... if he just prayed hard enough, that his only wish would be granted, his wish to be with Hiei forever and maybe melt his frozen heart. Kurama began to slowly kiss every part of Hiei's delicate face, still uttering those sacred vows, meaning every syllable, putting his heart into every word. Kurama kissed Hiei's ears, moved to his closed eyes, his nose, and his lips. Hiei lay still in Kurama's embrace, just accepting those velvet caresses as earth would accept the rain. 'Hiei, I love you so much. I will always be with you. I won't abandon you like your parents. I won't leave you alone with your pain . . . so please accept my offering. Please....' Kurama continued to cleanse away every part of Hiei with his lips, until Hiei caught his hand. Hiei brought that slender hand closer to his lips and softly kissed it, with the gentle touch of a rose petal. To Kurama's surprise and joy, Hiei began to kiss *his* eyes and *his* lips. So soft and gentle like a spring breeze. Kurama melted in that warmth and wished to be enveloped in that heavenly comfort forever with Hiei. But Hiei suddenly stopped and just gazed at Kurama's face as if trying to memorize every line of that beautiful face. "Hiei?" 'He can't reject me now, can he?' But what Hiei said next was what he had feared the most, what he had never wished to hear. "Kurama, I'm sorry. But it's too late.... Good bye." Hiei stood up. Kurama was too stunned to do anything to stop his beloved from leaving. Hiei lightly kissed Kurama one last time, one last farewell.... Hiei left, leaving Kurama alone with his endless tears....
In the corner of my mind
Baby it feels like we're running out of time
Since then, no one had heard from Hiei. Three long months and nothing. It was as if he had simply disappeared. He looked for Hiei when he was able to come out from his shock. He had to make Hiei understand. At the very least he had to know why Hiei has rejected him. Why Hiei refused even that small comfort of the heart. Even though Koenma used all his connections to gather up any clues as to Hiei's whereabouts, there was no answer. Not even a single trace of him was left, it was as if he had never existed. Hiei had left him forever. He would never be able to gaze into those beautiful ruby eyes. He would not be able to admire the koorime's compact and slender form, even from a distance. He would not be able to heal the pain that Hiei hid behind a sullen mask. He would never be able to hold the small form and comfort him. He has lost him just like that.... Life now meant nothing for Kurama. Not even his mother's worried voice and sad eyes could move him. Everything felt like an illusion, a mere dream, something that would vanish as soon as he opened his eyes again. Everytime he closed his eyes, he prayed that Hiei would be there, sitting on the window sill by his bed, sulking like he usually was. Or anything, anything at all except looking back at him with that calm and resigned look in his ruby eyes...his prayer never reached the cruel height of heaven or the heart of the fire demon.
Let it go
"Kurama? You in there?" Yuusuke's concerned voice cut through the thick silence in his room like a sharp knife. Surprisingly, Koenma accompanied the other youth, but he wore an expression that Kurama didn't like. "Yuusuke, Koenma what do you want from me? I thought there was nothing serious that would require my assistance." Kurama's voice was dry and cracked, still trying to hide his pain, but it was a vain effort. All one would have to do was look into his emerald eyes, one would be able to see intense pain behind it. "It's about Hiei." At the mention of his beloved's name, Kurama jerked and his green eyes stared into Koenma's brown ones. "What about Hiei? Has something happened to him? Where is he? Where?" Worry, concern, and fear were evident in Kurama's voice and his gaze. "Koenma! What happened to him? Tell me!" Kurama could no longer control the furious anger that had lay dormant in his bosom. 'Something must have happened to Hiei. I have to help him. I can't lose him!' "Kurama, Hiei is dead. It was too late when we found what has happened. I'm sorry. And this is for you." Yuusuke wordlessly handed Kurama a single dark tear gem and a small note. 'This can't be happening. Hiei didn't die. He can't die. Not Hiei. Not him.... Please God.' But the dark tear gem in Yuusuke's hand told him the truth he so wanted to deny. He would never be able to find Hiei again, in this world. He felt like all three worlds were crashing down on him, and he wouldn't be able to stand the tremendous. Somehow, with much effort, he managed to hold onto last thing Hiei has give to him. His tear gem and that plain white piece of paper. The only thing that was left of his beloved. And on that small note, a single sentence was written, the one sentence that he so longed to hear from Hiei's lips. But it was too late to turn back time. Ai Shite, Kurama.
If you want me girl let me know
I am down on my knees
I can't take it anymore
Hiei quietly looked at the dim light coming from Kurama's window. Even from this distance, he could see how Kurama would cry himself to sleep every day. How he longed to comfort his friend and kiss away all thecrystal tears from that beautiful face. But he could not, he would not. Not when everything was to end soon. Not when he would only prolong Kurama's pain. Time was a luxury he no longer had. He wished that he could turn back time and correct everything that had been piling up in his short life. Only one hundred years, and he felt like he had lived every pain a person can possibly go through. The fates has always been cruel to him, but they would not care what he thought. He was only a helpless victim with no power to stop them. But Kurama and Yukina didn't deserve the same destiny. If...if only he didn't exist in the first place. Maybe he would have been able to spare them all the pain. Yukina's beautiful face painted in crimson blood still haunted his every dream and Kurama's green pain filled gaze followed him everywhere he went. And the one thing he couldn't stand was the inevitable truth that he was the one who had hurt the two who mattered most to him, the ones whom he would willingly sacrifice his life to protect. But maybe his life alone wasn't enough. After all it was only the life of a useless Forbidden Child. Did it matter if he mastered Kokuryuha, that legendary black dragon? It was uselessm, just as everything bout him ever was. No matter what he did, all he caused was pain for those who he loved. Yukina had died, protecting him from the vengeful Koorimes. And Kurama had to fall in love with such a worthless creature like himself. When would he be able to end the pain for those he loved? When he died? Would it be soon enough? He looked down at his upper left arm and at the whitish scar that still remained on his pale skin. Maybe he should thank the Koorimes. Their deadly poison in his blood stream would end everything for him and perhaps end his pain as well....
Tearin' up my heart my soul
We're apart I feel it too
"Oniisan, I love you.... You're my brother, and I know how much you want to protect me as well. But remember that I chose my fate with my free will. No one forced me to do this, not you nor any god. I chose this because I want you to be happy too. I couldn't do anything for you, but at least I was able to save you this once. And for that I'm glad and thankful. Please don't feel this is your fault, don't cry for me... Please niisan...." Hard tear gems dropped onto the cold floor, glinting with a dark light... He couldn't fulfill his sister's wishes. Even after all these years, he still couldn't stop his tears whenever he was alone and when Past came back to haunt him. He could still feel her cold hand on his wet cheek as she tried to wipe off his tear trail with her the last of her strength. If he could just buy her back with his dark and rare tear gems from cruel and merciless hands of Death. He would give everything, his soul and his body if it would give life back to his twin's empty crimson eyes, who held so much love and trust in her bright gaze. Eyes that were just like Kurama. Kurama... His fox. His only love, yet he could not tell him. Kurama would be able to forget him soon so why bother? He would die anyway so why try? It would hurt him more to see pain in those beautiful green eyes than his own pain. The excruciating pain that the poison has caused. He could see that he was becoming weaker as time flowed. But it would end very soon. Even breathing caused him pain, but he would not show it, just as Kurama would never need to know how he felt. But there was also a part of him who wanted, who needed to know that he lived in this world. That even in his brief existence as a mere Forbidden Child, that he was loved by at least one person. That he had feelings as well, not just another name in the Book of the Dead. Maybe that was why he didn't struggle when Kurama embraced him, even when he knew exactly what he would say and what he would cause. He was selfish. He didn't deserve such love yet he still longed for it. A single tear slid down his pale cheek and formed a black tear gem. A tear for his unfulfilled love. A tear of regret that was as deep as the fathomless blackness of the gem. And on a single paper, he wrote down, with his own blood, a single sentence that he wished to tell Kurama one day, but never could. Ai shite...
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you
A river of tears soaked a single piece of paper and the blood ran. Slowly, very slowly, spreading and forming a crimson heart. A broken heart....
And no matter what I do I feel the pain
With or without you
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nyx_moerae@hotmail.com